Hi all. My name is Kay. I just recently found this forum and have been wanting to reach out and talk to other people who have been diagnosed with PTSD.
I had a traumatic, abusive childhood but it didn't lead into my symptoms. My therapists say it may have predisposed me to develop PTSD later in life. I don't know. I was first diagnosed in 2007.
I was involved in a major car crash. I ended up trapped inside of the wreckage. No one else involved in the crash survived. I don't want to talk about the specific details. They were horrific. I saw a lot of gore and heard a lot of horrifying things, and all through it I was unable to get out of my car or get to my cell phone to call for help. I don't remember most of the next week after the crash. I took major head trauma, but ended up being alright.
Everything got strange about three months later. The nightmares started, and the panic attacks. I was sure that I was dying and I was too scared to call anyone. I thought my heart was starting to give out. When I was first told it might be PTSD I refused to accept it. Unfortunately, I did not seek treatment for years. I dropped out of college, I stopped leaving my house, and I attempted to harm myself.
I've been committed three times now. I get aural hallucinations sometimes. I don't know if this has to do with the brain trauma or not. After being committed the second time, I was put on a medical cocktail that triggered Stephen-Johnsons syndrome. It is an auto-immune disorder that causes your mucus membranes to be attacked and causes your skin to sluff off.
I survived, but I was unable to eat for days and was in agonizing pain. I still have heavy scars on my body from the damage the necrotic skin did. And due to the nature of S-J syndrome, I had to go off of all of my medications cold turkey or risk full liver failure and death. That lead to my third time being committed.
My symptoms are now better under control. I am still terrified to talk about it much with my family, especially the murmuring that I hear (the doctors and therapists are aware of it and have ruled out psychosis). Right now I am struggling immensely with some things in my life. I am no longer able to drive a car. I have extreme difficulty being in public. Some days I make myself sleep until nightfall because I'm too scared of getting triggered. I also pick at my scars, making them bleed. I am working hard in therapy to get rid of these habits. I am keeping up well with my doctors and therapist.
However, for the first time in my life I cannot work. I had plans to donate a kidney and to join the Peace Corps. I am beginning to realize that this may never be a reality for me. EMDR is the next form of therapy we are going to attempt. I feel scared and ashamed that I have to rely on my family, frustrated and angry that my full ride scholarship is gone and that I will never have it back, crushed and disappointed that I could never graduate, and hopeless. I can't see myself living for more than a few years - and I don't mean that I harbor suicidal ideation. They say it's just a side effect of the PTSD. I see no future. The things I had planned on are gone now.
I am getting better, but I am lost. I'm sorry for this long intro. I've had most of this bottled up for a long time and I don't know who to talk to. I'm so angry with myself that I didn't seek therapy right away, and I'm so angry that I can only seem to express my anxiety by snapping at family or isolating myself. I have an ill family member that needs care and the fact that I can't be there for her because I don't know if I could handle an emergency without complicating it sits at the back of my mind and wracks me with guilt.
But this is all my illness. I want to say a little about who I am, too. I am an avid reader, and I used to draw. I don't anymore, but I still love to read non-fiction works and to write. I can't watch television anymore but I've found a compromise watching comedy clips on Youtube and similar services. I am very lucky to have the family that I do, and I feel guilty that I have all of this lingering stress and anger and regret when it could be so much worse. I am a lesbian, and I am 23. I like music, and birds. I like black and white movies. I like to talk to people, I like to listen to other view points. I wanted to say hello, and hopefully I can be a good, contributing member here.
I had a traumatic, abusive childhood but it didn't lead into my symptoms. My therapists say it may have predisposed me to develop PTSD later in life. I don't know. I was first diagnosed in 2007.
I was involved in a major car crash. I ended up trapped inside of the wreckage. No one else involved in the crash survived. I don't want to talk about the specific details. They were horrific. I saw a lot of gore and heard a lot of horrifying things, and all through it I was unable to get out of my car or get to my cell phone to call for help. I don't remember most of the next week after the crash. I took major head trauma, but ended up being alright.
Everything got strange about three months later. The nightmares started, and the panic attacks. I was sure that I was dying and I was too scared to call anyone. I thought my heart was starting to give out. When I was first told it might be PTSD I refused to accept it. Unfortunately, I did not seek treatment for years. I dropped out of college, I stopped leaving my house, and I attempted to harm myself.
I've been committed three times now. I get aural hallucinations sometimes. I don't know if this has to do with the brain trauma or not. After being committed the second time, I was put on a medical cocktail that triggered Stephen-Johnsons syndrome. It is an auto-immune disorder that causes your mucus membranes to be attacked and causes your skin to sluff off.
I survived, but I was unable to eat for days and was in agonizing pain. I still have heavy scars on my body from the damage the necrotic skin did. And due to the nature of S-J syndrome, I had to go off of all of my medications cold turkey or risk full liver failure and death. That lead to my third time being committed.
My symptoms are now better under control. I am still terrified to talk about it much with my family, especially the murmuring that I hear (the doctors and therapists are aware of it and have ruled out psychosis). Right now I am struggling immensely with some things in my life. I am no longer able to drive a car. I have extreme difficulty being in public. Some days I make myself sleep until nightfall because I'm too scared of getting triggered. I also pick at my scars, making them bleed. I am working hard in therapy to get rid of these habits. I am keeping up well with my doctors and therapist.
However, for the first time in my life I cannot work. I had plans to donate a kidney and to join the Peace Corps. I am beginning to realize that this may never be a reality for me. EMDR is the next form of therapy we are going to attempt. I feel scared and ashamed that I have to rely on my family, frustrated and angry that my full ride scholarship is gone and that I will never have it back, crushed and disappointed that I could never graduate, and hopeless. I can't see myself living for more than a few years - and I don't mean that I harbor suicidal ideation. They say it's just a side effect of the PTSD. I see no future. The things I had planned on are gone now.
I am getting better, but I am lost. I'm sorry for this long intro. I've had most of this bottled up for a long time and I don't know who to talk to. I'm so angry with myself that I didn't seek therapy right away, and I'm so angry that I can only seem to express my anxiety by snapping at family or isolating myself. I have an ill family member that needs care and the fact that I can't be there for her because I don't know if I could handle an emergency without complicating it sits at the back of my mind and wracks me with guilt.
But this is all my illness. I want to say a little about who I am, too. I am an avid reader, and I used to draw. I don't anymore, but I still love to read non-fiction works and to write. I can't watch television anymore but I've found a compromise watching comedy clips on Youtube and similar services. I am very lucky to have the family that I do, and I feel guilty that I have all of this lingering stress and anger and regret when it could be so much worse. I am a lesbian, and I am 23. I like music, and birds. I like black and white movies. I like to talk to people, I like to listen to other view points. I wanted to say hello, and hopefully I can be a good, contributing member here.
