First off I want to thank all of you here that have shared and given advice, and those of you who just listen. I'd never heard of a PTSD forum before I started dealing with it myself. I hope to find some comfort and clarity here as I start to understand my condition. Here is my story. Please understand that due to the nature of my job, certain details must be omitted.
I recently got back from Afghanistan where I was a team leader for an Army bomb squad unit. I was one of just a few in my area, so I was constantly working. I've seen vehicles blown apart in front of my eyes, picked up the pieces of other soldiers and Afghans, and fired my weapon in self defense. The part that gets to me the most is one single image: a little girl. Due to no particular reason a mortar fell short of it's target and came through the roof of her home, killing a small boy, two small girls, her father, and her uncle. She was the only survivor. As we approached the scene our convoy was stopped by locals and her and her family were brought to us. I was one of the first on scene. She was given to me, then to the medic who tried to do everything he could for her. She had this little sound she kept making, almost like a cry or wimper that she couldn't quite make. The entire time the medic was working on her, I was at his side digging gauze and water from his bag. She stared at me the entire time, until she died.
Her little cry and her face are what I can't get out of my head the most. Other than that is the smell. I'm sure you all know that when you die, you evacuate your bowels. It's pretty hard to stay away from that smell with small kids. My infant daughter makes almost the same sound when she's tired or when she starts to cry. It's been difficult adjusting to being home and dealing with it. I can't stand to hear her cry, I get angry. I can't watch "Dora the explorer" with my kids because the little girl had the same haircut. My Dr. says my frequent headaches are likely associated with my PTSD. I know it was just an accident, but I can't let it go. I can't get the image out of my head.
It's nice knowing that I'm not alone, and nothing is wrong with me. Thanks for everything.
I recently got back from Afghanistan where I was a team leader for an Army bomb squad unit. I was one of just a few in my area, so I was constantly working. I've seen vehicles blown apart in front of my eyes, picked up the pieces of other soldiers and Afghans, and fired my weapon in self defense. The part that gets to me the most is one single image: a little girl. Due to no particular reason a mortar fell short of it's target and came through the roof of her home, killing a small boy, two small girls, her father, and her uncle. She was the only survivor. As we approached the scene our convoy was stopped by locals and her and her family were brought to us. I was one of the first on scene. She was given to me, then to the medic who tried to do everything he could for her. She had this little sound she kept making, almost like a cry or wimper that she couldn't quite make. The entire time the medic was working on her, I was at his side digging gauze and water from his bag. She stared at me the entire time, until she died.
Her little cry and her face are what I can't get out of my head the most. Other than that is the smell. I'm sure you all know that when you die, you evacuate your bowels. It's pretty hard to stay away from that smell with small kids. My infant daughter makes almost the same sound when she's tired or when she starts to cry. It's been difficult adjusting to being home and dealing with it. I can't stand to hear her cry, I get angry. I can't watch "Dora the explorer" with my kids because the little girl had the same haircut. My Dr. says my frequent headaches are likely associated with my PTSD. I know it was just an accident, but I can't let it go. I can't get the image out of my head.
It's nice knowing that I'm not alone, and nothing is wrong with me. Thanks for everything.
NOTE: Copy and paste from the non-combat PTSD forum, sorry. I didn't want to relive it again.
