Relationship New Relationship Advice Needed

[propitious 14]

Hi everyone,
I have recently begun dating a man ( a month now) who has PTSD. I didn't know about it right away, but now he is sharing some information with me. Any advice or information that can be offered regarding relationships with someone who has PTSD would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks

 

[JS786]

Welcome! I've known and been in a relationship with my sufferer for a little over 4 months now. Obviously every relationship is different, especially with PTSD depending on his situation.

I'm still relatively new to it myself, but from my experience my advice is to be ready for anything. And definitely try not to take things personally if he isolates, or goes on a tangent about how you can do better, etc. There have been *countless* times I've found myself crying to my girlfriends about "He hasnt talked to me in 2 days!" and you come to realize it's nothing personal, you just need to give him the space if and when he needs it.

Also, do your research on PTSD as much as you can and search around the forum, theres a lot of fantastic insight here from people who have very successful relationships with sufferers. This is a great place to come when you want to rage out on him for something he's done (be whatever it is) and the people here are extremely supportive because we're all in the same boat. Also be prepared for some of your friends to not "get it." I've had numerous friends who have always "been there" for me tell me "Why do you deal with it? Relationships shouldnt be like that," etcetc. You need to have the skin of a rhinosaurus but at the same time dont walk on eggshells either.

Hope that helped. :barefoot:

-JS

 

[Cyndi S]

Welcome! Me and My significant other have been together a little under a year. The best advice I can give you is like previously stated don't take distance personally and also research research research. Most importantly try not to let your-self get overwhelmed and remember to step back and take a few deep breathes on occasion. Remember your not on this boat alone! Even if family and friends aren't supportive, you have a support system right here!

 

[BigBear]

I've noticed a disparity between military and non-military PTSD. I've also noticed a disparity between male and female PTSD. I guess what this is saying is that you should find others that are saying things that are similar to what you are noticing.

SO Observations:

• You can't heal your sufferer. Only they can do that. It's something that I think every supporter has to overcome.
• There's a difference between support and enabling. Finding that line can be very hard. We end up crossing it a lot, just watch for it and get back on the support side.
• Love is the most important support that you can give!
• A feeling of security for the sufferer is second most important but only by the smallest margin.
• Many sufferers have self hate issues. This causes some of them to think that they are damaging you by their mere presence. Sometimes what they are saying is hold me tighter but sometimes not. Too me this issue is the most likely to destroy your relationship. Study this and get an idea about it in case...

I hope this helps.

Bear

 

[Tinyflame]

And I don't know why but 'security'= 'safety'- I don't even understand that one.
-And it's hard to find 'words', or a voice, sometimes.

And thank you Bear, you are so kind. Makes even 'sufferers' feel almost 'human'. :rolleyes:

 

[JS786]

Many sufferers have self hate issues. This causes some of them to think that they are damaging you by their mere presence. Sometimes what they are saying is hold me tighter but sometimes not. Too me this issue is the most likely to destroy your relationship. Study this and get an idea about it in case...

This is such an incredible point, Bear. :tup:

That being said, Propitious, even the most secure man in the world (or woman!!) will have a time where he breaks down and has an insecure moment, whether he lets you see it or not. I've heard, "You're too good for me, you should be with a guy who wasnt in the military, I'm just going to bring you down, you're going to wake up 6 months from now and realize you can do way better" etc more times than I can even count. This is where the thick skin comes in. But be careful your "thick skin" doesnt come off as uncaring and b****y, because I know mine definitely does sometimes (still working on it..) but when he says those things, I always assure him he is who I want and that I love him very very much. Then a few days later he'll admit it was his insecurities.

Things can definitely get intense sometimes. My guy and I will get into really deep, intense conversations and I'll notice he's starting to freak out and I tell him, "Stop. We're just going to lay here for 5 minutes and not talk. You're going to take a few deep breaths and then we'll continue this conversation." You just need to recognize the signs of things getting out of hand.. but I think that's just a general relationship thing.

I hope this has made sense.... I tend to ramble. :whistling:

-JS

 

[propitious 14]

Thanks so much for the advice JS786. I have begun to do some reading on the subject in the books The Post-traumatic stress disorder relationship by Diane England and Post-traumatic stress disorder for dummies by Mark Goulston, MD.

My boyfriend also said that there will be a suppport group starting in October for significant others of those suffering with PTSD. I am hoping to attend that group with him. I have also found that open and honest communication between the two of us has helped us get this far.

I truly enjoyed your saying that you need to have the skin of a rhinoceros, but at the same time don't walk on eggshells either. I hope I can learn to master that.

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[propitious 14]

Thanks ever so much for the advice Cyndi S. I am beginning to do research and I will remember the advice to step back and take deep breaths.

Thanks for letting me know that I have a support system here if I need it. I really appreciate it as this is so new to me.

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[IvyMillie]

So much great advice. My one tiny thought is that I think it is easier if you and he can talk about things. I think it would make it easier. Even if at times you had to wait a period of time to talk about it, at least you would be communicating. This is one thing I'm not able to do very often with my husband.

Also, if he openly admits to the PTSD and recognizes some of the affect on you--then even better. Is he trying to get help? It seems that you really care and putting alot of effort into learning about it yourself--that is very good of you.

 

[propitious 14]

I have begun to realize that it is all in his hands when it comes to his PTSD; it doesn't make it any easier to see him suffering while I am enjoying life. I need to know more on the difference between supporting and enabling so I can stay more on the support side.

Love is something that i have been trying to show him through my support and actions, but the word itself seems to "unnerve " him a little. I come from a family where it is just said openly at the end of the conversation "love you" so when I say it it is more of a " i love your company, i love your laugh, i love your smile, etc." and that seems to settle things down for him when I state it as such. On the subject of self hate issues have you came across anything in particular that was helpful for you to read and would recommend?

Thanks for all the help

 

[propitious 14]

So far we have been having some conversations about his PTSD Ivy, the medications that he is on, how he reacts when he is having PTSD issues, his appointments at the VA, but we are just beginning to scratch the surface. We have been open and honest with each other in communication so far and I hope that continues. He encouraged me to learn more if I feel that I want to continue on in this relationship so I have begun to do research. He also stated that a group will be starting in October for significant others of those suffering with PTSD and he hopes that I will attend it with him.

I know that you said that you don't get to communicate very often with your husband. Do you think that if you wrote out things and gave it to him he would read it? In that way you could release some of the feelings that you want to share with him and then he can read it and when he is ready maybe he will want to communicate. Or do you think if he won't verbally communicate about it with you that he could/would write you a note back. Maybe try it out and see how it goes. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for the two of you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think there are a lot of physical (stess-related) workings going on (almost always) in the background, along with triggers and trauma-reminders etc, then one tries to make sense of it (cognitively and emotionally) and often (at least for myself) doesn't do a very good job of it (at least from an internal perspective), or it doesn't make much sense.