New Relationships/break Ups. How Do They Affect You?

[Deleted member 32956]

I recently just decided to end a brief relationship because it was mainly causing me too much stress. I pretty much isolated myself for a short while and decided to end it. My mind has been going all over the place the last few days. I'm very curious to see how new relationships affect you guys, and what your possible reasons are for ending relationships. I'm aware of the stress cup. But I have a lot I'm curious about. Do they trigger your symptoms? Even if you like the person a lot, do you try to work it out and stay, or is it ever too much no matter how good things are? Are you scared for them to see the PTSD side of you? Do you ever feel like you will be a burden? Do you ever feel like they deserve someone "normal" and they can do better than you? Do you feel guilty during/after an isolation period? Do you ever feel embarrassed or a sense of shame or guilt regarding to break ups, and/or new relationships? Do you ever feel like you can never talk to them again because you associate them with the stress? I know these are a lot of questions, but my mind has been all over the place and I'd like to see if what I'm feeling and thinking is something others can relate to. Thanks everyone!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes to each. Except the last one would be ' yes associated with shame/ burdensomeness'. Not triggers. Triggers are from traumas past. And earlier, 'be a burden/ are a burden'.

 

[Silver.]

I get along with most of my exes, except my ex husband. I always hid the ptsd from my former flames, but I always kept them at a distance which made it easy to do. When I was younger, I used to date long distance a lot, which worked for a few years, because I would just have a few days a week with them, which 1. it made our time together nicer and 2. gave me the space I needed. As I matured, I stopped dating long distance, because I came into myself. I established who I was and how I was before I got serious, so people would know to expect my need for space. Most of the relationships ended because it was my time to "do me", and so they ended amicably.
I think I never really shared the ptsd because I did feel like I would be a burden to others, and I am a pretty private person, so I have never wanted to put my crap on other people. (I always turn my stress inwards).
(does any of this make sense? my mind is scrambled today).

 

[EveHarrington]

Do they trigger your symptoms?

Yes.

Even if you like the person a lot, do you try to work it out and stay, or is it ever too much no matter how good things are?

If things were over the moon fantastic, I'd fight to stay. Haven't ever found someone worth fighting for though.

Are you scared for them to see the PTSDside of you?

Yes. It's been held against me more than once. I hide it as best I can.

Do you ever feel like you will be a burden?

Yes. This is why I'm not dating right now and may not ever date again. I don't deserve this-------how could I ever justify putting 1/1000th of what I experience on another person? Really, I can't. I'd feel incredibly selfish.

Do you ever feel like they deserve someone "normal" and they can do better than you?

Yes, given the stigma it's hard to find someone who accepts me as I am. Couple that with normal compatibility issues and it's a near impossibility.

Do you feel guilty during/after an isolation period?

After, yes. It's why I never look back.

Do you ever feel embarrassed or a sense of shame or guilt regarding to break ups, and/or new relationships?

No not really. Why should I care when they don't?

Do you ever feel like you can never talk to them again because you associate them with the stress?

No, I don't talk to them again because my life lies ahead of me. I am not a "fixer" and have no need to make all in my past ok (but I think many people are, perhaps because they care too much what everyone thinks of them? Idk.)

 

[Deleted member 32956]

That's good insight. I'm trying to make sense of everything in my head. My head feels like goo and nothing makes sense. I have been wanting to reach out to this woman, but I'm embarrassed and feel terrible for hurting her and hate myself for it. Have any of you felt the need to give your partner 100% of anything and everything they want in fear that they might leave you?

 

[Tinyflame]

Have any of you felt the need to give your partner 100% of anything and everything they want in fear that they might leave you?

Ewe. Difficult question. Not one I can answer, but relevant. Not out of fear of them leaving, no. (Because if there's fear of that I'd feel better they leave, or I would leave, because I can't afford to live with more fear).

But tolerate things I shouldn't? Yes, I have.

 

[Deleted member 32956]

I am referring to seeing them as often as they'd like more or less and things along those lines. But don't communicate things like that because of the fear they'd leave. Ya know? Avoiding the communication and compromise of boundaries etc. Sorry if I'm not making sense here.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's ok @PaintedDreams124 , I understand. You mean 'normal dating', I get it. :)

 

[City Slicker]

I end relationships now if there are too many differences in our values, philosophy, priorities etc.

I don't worry about him 'seeing' my ptsd because I live with it all the time and I assume when people see me, they are seeing 'it' too. So I don't think of myself as having a ptsd 'side' - I have a ptsd 'me'.

Plain and simple I can behave badly - it really doesn't matter too much to me why I am behaving badly - (i.e. being distant, withdrawing from him,) When I sense there's something bothering me it's usually when I have started my isolation pattern and then I know I have to chill and figure out what's wrong. I do a HALT inventory (am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired?) it's usually something in there. That's when I need space and I say so.

Anytime I ever told a guy 'you deserve so much better than I can give you...' honestly in retrospect, always had an ulterior motive - and that was to engage him in helping me to feel less of a monster about myself - to get his help in reducing the shame and guilt I felt about pushing him away. And then when he would come towards me trying to reassure me he just wanted me, I would lose respect for him and I would ultimately have to leave. In my mind I thought 'what guy would want someone so messed up, There must be something wrong with him'. Guys that would fall into that trap meant they were not safe because they didn't have boundaries - and neither did I but I knew one thing: I knew how to stay safe - so I would leave. End it. This wasn't ever as conscious a process as I just made it sound - with work I figured out that's what I was doing.

Today I need space when a relationship becomes too demanding on my time, or anytime there is an implied expectation that I should be spending more time with him or that I should want to be rushing over to be with him. When that happens, I check it out and figure out what's happening. If we talk about it and I still get that feeling, I end it. I don't have a need to try to stay involved with the guy nor do I feel a need to stay 'friends' although if it happens naturally I am good with that usually. I will sometimes feel a bit of guilt that I might have hurt him in some way but as long as I feel ok about the way I handled things I know that the guilt is normal and I can let it pass.

I don't know if any of this is to your points but I hope you are finding clarity in the messy waters of relationships. They can be really rewarding but also very sticky because they are often the arena or the theatre in which we enact the dynamics of our own past issues no matter what the cause.

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking about this, & I came back because I didn't know what to say.

I have a ptsd 'me'.

This is me too. ^^ Unfortuntely, I will always need accomodations. :( Too many demands, I find stressful & anxiety producing. Too little contact, I don't reduce the anxiety (exposure). The longer I don't see someone the easier to forget about them or avoid. It also causes more anxiety (to have to agree to see them).

Anytime I ever told a guy 'you deserve so much better than I can give you...' honestly in retrospect, always had an ulterior motive

Me too. But mine is a different one. To get them to 'see' the ptsd- which invariably they seemed to not be able to. So it's for their protection. And the nicer they are the more they seemed to need that. My analogy would be your 4 year old thinking they can safely cut the grass. and going uphill. :( Except they are not children, just- blind to the severity of 'me'.

But I suppose, for my part, it's my own problem to feel toxic. I can either believe that & choose the same, or fight it (difficult. Difficult when someone else could be harmed.)

 

[City Slicker]

So it's for their protection. And the nicer they are the more they seemed to need that.

I totally get what you mean @Junebug

 

[Tinyflame]

And do you notice though, @City Slicker , it doesn't apply to children, animals, vulnerable people? I have no fear of hurting them, per se. Weird. Maybe it's fear of being hurt too.

I think the thing is, there you are, I know I have the capacity to be love deeply, am faithful; I'm responsible, thoughtful, high-sex drive, not boring, no hard-core addictions to contend with (atm). And yet, they would always (in my mind) be better off without me.

Sometimes I think we agree to go out with people due to their sheer perseverance (we get exhausted), or we feel we 'should', or we figure they're tough enough/ selfish. Only to find oh yes, so they are.. so much so we're run down so much we eventually feel incapble/ undeserving of even the basics of life, let alone quality relationships.

So I hope @PaintedDreams124 , you can find a healthy balance. :hug: