New - Scared To Post This (long - Sorry)

[Daisy1234]

Hi everyone. This probably isn't in the right section but here goes. Please know that I am not a troll and have legit things to say/ I have been lurking for quite some time and now want to share. Don't want to share too much about my abuse yet (childhood and recent). New to trauma therapy.

Anyway, I went to my T this morning. He wanted to do a guided meditation/relaxation session. Revealing and odd experience. It probably went on for 20 minutes, not sure. At one point he said, "Your emotions are secure . . .you deserve to get better." I thought to myself, "My emotions are not secure. They're just waiting to explode in an out of control, scary way." I also thought, "I do not deserve to get better."

EXTREMELY hard for me to relax. He said something like, "You don't need to be hypervigilant." I realized after the appointment that I really don't have a safe place anywhere. I feel hypervigilant in my own home. I know it is not paranoia. I know there is no current threat.

Back to the guided relaxation. Mind was not quiet. Impossible.

I must tell you that my recent abuser (no contact) is a sex/porn/masturbation addict sociopath or narcissist, alcohol and drug dependent who rarely can let a sentence go by without there being a reference to sex. I don't believe he ever raped me but I guess anything is impossible. I know he is a pedophile who admitting to raping his previous girlfriend (he didn't say rape but said she was unconscious) After he was done he called a friend and invited him over to have sex with her (rape) and the friend readily agreed. Not sure why I wanted to point that out Well yeah, I guess I do.

But I digress somewhat. At this point I am triggered by anything related to sex, porn, masturbation, prostitution, cheating to name a few. Sex is his world. You get the point. During the guided session I felt the strong urge to masturbate. Not thinking of him and definitely not attracted to my therapist. I don't know why. Any thoughts? I think maybe it was so uncomfortable for me to be "quiet" that I felt a strong urge to escape?

Actually, I do know that after I got home I realized that my "need" to masturbate at that time was to express rage. I have never raged until the diagnosis of PTSD. I do it at least every couple of days now. I was also wondering if my therapist was masturbating when my eyes were shut. Flabberghasted that that thought came to mind. I'm sure he wasn't. I should mention that I'm not a sex addict or compulsive masturbator. I feel my sexuality has somehow been compromised because of my experience with my abuser though.

I feel really out of control and confused about this. I can't tell my therapist about this. I would feel too humiliated. I just hope I am not too sick to ever get better. For the past three months or so I have been in continual derealization mode. I'm kind of used to it but I know it symbolizes me being very unwell. Just scared about my future. Am feeling terrified right now and have no idea why.

Thanks for reading. Any thoughts?

 

[sarahbellum]

Hi everyone. This probably isn't in the right section but here goes. Please know that I am not a tr...

I meditate quite frequently, and started to well into my therapy. I don't know much in life, but I do know that "forcing" meditation is something that almost never works. It's like going up to an upset toddler and telling them to be quiet, over and over. It doesn't work, and I'm sorry you had this. At least for me, asking your mind to be quiet almost never works if it's riled up. And in that riled up stage, it's pretty easy for your brain to spit out all of the stuff that's on repeat - that you don't deserve to get better. Putting someone with a head full of anxiety and rage and guilt into a place where they have to be quiet: it's basically forcing you to confront those thoughts head on, without help. I'm not a psychological professional, but I understand why it didn't work for you.

As for the urge to masturbate - maybe it's a way of taking back control of your sexuality? Something that involves only you, or something where you can assert power over other people? I'm just spitballing, I don't know your situation or want to add to your guilty feelings.

Lastly, I want to tell you this: you deserve to get better. Even if you feel guilty, even if you feel like it, I think you do. I believe in you, and I know it's possible. If you want them, I offer all of the virtual hugs in the world and I don't think you're too sick to get better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have those strong urges out of the blue for no reason. They arent as often as they used to be but its all due to my trauma. Its how i felt safe, loved, and overall ok. All of my rituals had sex, i still go on the "prowl" like im still a prostitute and basically it all is due to my trauma.

Ive had those urges A LOT in therapy. I was very embarrased but eventually did tell him which he named as erotic transference. Today we name it right away and when i can see that im seeking to be safe and feel unsafe at the moment, its easier to name it and let it pass.

Its all, for me, due to feeling unsafe due to what we are speaking about and the desperate need to feel safe again. Though i dont have any sexual attraction to my therapist, he does make me feel very safe. So once i can see that, the urge goes away.

Does that make sense?

 

[ladee]

Even if you are not ready to tell your T certain things,I do encourage you to tell him you are not ready for more meditation at this time!
Did y'all discuss all the feelings it brought up? And I do understand why you are not ready to talk about masturbation.
In regard to you not being worthy of healing, we Will tell you again and again that you are! And am super proud that even tho at this time you don't believe that, you ARE in therapy, you ARE sharing with us, and that is a very powerful beginning.
Thank you for sharing and asking questions. Gentle hugs if you accept them.

 

[Daisy1234]

Thanks for your responses guys. I am so confused and overwhelmed about sex/masturbation at this point. I feel like it is disgusting and dirty. I have been "normal" and mainstream sexually for 49 years up until being with him (nothing against people who have "spicy" sex lives). For the past two days I have been feeling like my entire body is filthy too. Never felt that way in my in my life. Now I am crying. My genitals have been itching too. I almost feel like I was raped by him. Having sex 5 times a day, not because I wanted it. I felt pressured, like it wasn't ok for me to say no. Frequent phone sex when we were apart. I really didn't want to do it. Feeling just so angry now.

Thanks sarahbellum about the reassurance that I deserve to get better and will. :) I would tell anyone else the same.

I wonder if I need a new (unattractive) straight woman to be my therapist? Through my experience with the sociopath I have "become" bisexual. I feel like I might might have to talk about this sex stuff with someone because I almost feel controlled by it because I was immersed in it. So much of what we did I really didn't want to do. Feel really ashamed about it. I can't believe some of the disgusting things I let him do to me. And some of the stuff he wanted me to do that thankfully we never got around to. No way in hell can I talk to my current T about it. When he was trying to get out of being arrested he tried to bargain with the cops by telling them "You can f*ck my girlfriend." It's in the police report. WTF is WRONG with you? I am not you f*cking whore!" (no offense to anyone who has prostituted themselves.)

Lostforgottonsole, I have never heard of erotic transference. I will have to look it up.

Am I just overreacting to all of this? My genitals really hurt now. I have not been with anyone or masturbated. I can't believe I'm "stuck" with this.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Daisy1234]

Even if you are not ready to tell your T certain things,I do encourage you to tell him you are not ready...

Thanks for the hugs ladee :) I don't remember what I told him afterwards about my feelings. My memory is so horrible with this PTSD that I can't even remember what I told him about how I felt, really. I will never be able to talk to him about sex related stuff. I need a gay man or unattractive straight woman to talk to, to be blunt. Maybe I will email him about my wish to hold off on relaxation exercises. I did relax a little during horse therapy. The instructors are so warm and peaceful and respectful. We talk about establishing boundaries with the horse, e.g., letting them know how close they can be to me. So empowering and utterly foreign to me. It is fascinating and I'm getting so much out of it! Went off on a tangent there. Damn itchy hurting genitals! I wonder what's going on? Maybe I should go to my GP.

 

[HaveFaith]

... Brave soul you are not alone.. I just felt so understood with your words... Im sorry this has been rough for you, but like everyone said you are in therapy and trying your best! *hug*

If i may share as well.... I was also too embarrased to mention masturbation when i sought therapy for the first time... I just blurted my story out for three diffrent ppl ... But left out the part of masturbation... How often i did it to feel good? Safe as lostforgottensoul said. I also felt the urge to masturbate during the session, which scared me because i felt i was totally out of control... Why did it happen that moment?! Wasnt attracted .. I didnt understand it.. But i hope you found the responses above helpful! It just made sense to me what lostforgottensoul said... Still the thought of talking about it makes me feel so embarrased... But we should share right? So we can understand and recover?

 

[Daisy1234]

... Brave soul you are not alone.. I just felt so understood with your words... Im sorry this has bee...

Hugs back to you HaveFaith. :)

I am not attracted in the least to my therapist. Stumped. Not sure I believe it but I will digest. Do you mind me asking if sexual assault is part of your history?

 

[HaveFaith]

Hugs back to you HaveFaith. :)

I am not attracted in the least to my therapist. Stumped. Not sure...

I have a hard time saying the words "sexual assault" ... I just had a specific memory pop into my mind of something an ex did to me unwillingly .. I haven't had that memory in a long while .. I'm not in therapy at the moment so I haven't had enough time to understand everything that has happened to me. But I have been working hard to keep my calm and forgive, love myself. But yes, I have also done things I didn't want to do and felt dirty ... asked myself a million time why I allowed it .. I understand it to an extent now, but we can definitely move forward from this! I believe it! Thanks for the return hugs :)

 

[Daisy1234]

I'm glad you are somewhat understanding now. :)

If erotic transference is going on, I will remain in denial. I am not attracted to my T in the least and sure as hell hope he is not sexually attracted to me. In fact, I get "perve" vibes from him. If I feel the urge to masturbate during next session, I definitely will NOT be going back. My life is enough of a wreck as it is without having some s*it like that happening. I don't want sex or a relationship with anyone or to be in love with someone. I kind of feel my ex husband loves me in a plutonic way and I know my brother loves me and that is good enough for me.

 

[HaveFaith]

I'm glad you are somewhat understanding now. :)

If erotic transference is going on, I will remain i...

I also felt a "perv" vibe .. I never went back, but then again it was my first time going to therapy. I now know I would feel more comfortable with a female therapist. It's great that you recognize the love you do have in your life. And time to heal yourself without relationship distractions is always a plus. I've been single for 2 years now and had a brief 2 week interaction with a man recently and it went totally south and wrong .. beat myself up about it for those 2 weeks and now am back to sanity lol .. I need the time with myself to heal and still have a lot more to discover about myself. I enjoy it! Be kind to yourself as everyone here has been reminding me to be. Btw, I typed in erotic transference on google and went on the first website listed .. and wow made soooo much sense, check it out when you can.

 

[sarahbellum]

Thanks for your responses guys. I am so confused and overwhelmed about sex/masturbation at this poin...

Hugs if you need them. I just know that for most of my life I felt like I wasn't worth trying for, or trying about, or just anything in general. But it's not true. We all deserve to recover.

In my years of therapy, I found that being comfortable with your therapist is key. If you're not comfortable, you'll never want to talk to him and it's just wasting your time. Your feeling of safety is so, so important. I never worked out well with younger therapists.

You're in my thoughts, and I'm sending all the love I can your way.