New To Forums For Ptsd - Reaching Out To Share And To Find Familiarity

[vincent85]

Hello,

I am a OEF/OIF combat wounded/medically retired as of last year U.S Army Captain. I am not really big into the putting my information out there, but I am doing this to reach out to others in hope I can help someone to let them know there are others that experience what they do. Also I hope to find some sense of familiarity in the position I am in as well. My nights over the past year have been pretty violent at times and scary to say the least. When I get up in the nights (the nights are always the worse) I tend to write sometimes to make sense of what is happening in my mind. I want to share one of my writings in hope someone here can connect with my experiences.

Here is one of my recent writings:

I run from the death I see, I run from the terror I feel, and I run from the mind to which I am trapped in.

My greatest asset is my greatest enemy.

There comes moments of conscious realization that brings clarity to what your subconscious has been molested into. You have been molded into something so foreign to your own comprehension that you cannot label it with anything that you know to currently exist; you cannot recognize it even if you looked directly at it in the mirror.

Stop running and embrace the silence.

I am filled constant highs and lows which consist of anxiety, depression, sleepless nights, pain, and emptiness. I really cannot even being to even materialize verbally for you what I have turned into anymore. I feel I am a shell of the human being I once was. I hide away from the world in attempt to reduce my triggers and anxieties, but in turn this drives my mind into a dark hole through my isolation. When I try to socialize and induce myself into social environments I have random spouts of violent anger at times, hyper vigilance, paranoia, and crippling anxiety. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I find myself tip toeing around my every action and social dynamic hoping that I can have a “normal day” without having a mind crippling break down. In the recent past I have woken up almost literally every night with my heart pounding in an altered state of intense fear. I have had many hallucinations of someone trying to engage me in order to kill me, which has been exacerbated by my current environment and state of paranoia. Without thinking I grab my nearest weapon and clear the house going through a tactical ritual I have done many times before. I don’t know when and if my mind is going to take a turn for the worse and often when it does, it cripples me into an altered state of reality that I cannot even being to explain to anyone that has not experienced it. I wonder how long I will live and if I even do what quality of life I have to look forward to if I can’t shake these symptoms. I have a double hit that even most military members do not have with it comes to the layers of trauma. There is a reason I tried to kill myself at the age of 17, even before going on two combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I don’t think any human being after being beat, abused, and abandoned by his biological mother/people around him as a toddler can be normal and not experience severe mental illness. I have been running from the pain my whole life suppressing it down and the land mine underneath me while I was leading a mission in Afghanistan was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My goal of traveling and going on my healing journeys is my last attempt to rekindle something that I have lost within myself and progress forward. I have fought constantly through the desire to leave every asset, cent, person, and thing I know behind and walk out the door to ghost in the oblivion to never be seen or heard from again. Money means nothing and neither does material possessions. These are just more social constructs that bind me into the social dynamics of society that I do not consent, nor wish to be in anymore. I would trade all my worldly possessions to just feel normal and healthy again, but I know no current treatment will facilitate this for me. I can only hope that a few treatments here and there can provide a marginal increase to my quality of life. I feel sometimes fading into oblivion would be the best and most merciful way to end my life. Not in a way that is directly killing myself, but instead liberating myself from the subjugation of society’s perception of my symptoms and current state of being, to which they have no understanding of to begin with. Away from the society that I fought to protect, but now I fight to get far away from. People want me to adapt and overcome to what I have become, because they do not understand what I have become. I have been subjugated, poked, psycho analyzed, drugged, and observed ever since I was wounded and “retired”. There has been no peace and transition, but instead only one cluster f*ck of mental break downs after another. One appointment after another by the same entity that had a huge part in creating me, yet has no idea what to do with me now that I am not functionally operational, but instead just keeps tabs on me and dangles my benefits above me head as incentive to force my compliance into a system I do not consent to. So where does my freedom that I have tasted blood, sweat, and tears come into play? I have visions and thoughts of times of me drifting into the oblivion and fading away into nothingness, which sounds so appealing as it offers stillness and peace that only death can offer. My mind gets stuck into this abyss and I am constantly crawling out of to motivate myself, because I do not want to be a burden on others anymore and prove that I can regain a shadow image of my former self. I want to be there for my other brothers that have been wounded in combat, because I am leader and I want them to know I understand the depth of their pain. I took an oath that was not sworn by me to promote myself or politicians agendas, but instead of one to protect what I believed to be a sacred honor that I desired to see protected in a dark world where honor is a quickly fading light. I have found through all the late night calls from my brothers wanting to kill themselves and I to them that we are going through many of the same struggles. I cannot give them the answer they seek to ease their pain, but instead try to motivate them to push forward and find that peace to which they seek. I motivate myself to heal and to push towards these future healing journeys in a hope I can rekindle a glimmer of normalcy. I have given up on explaining to the close minded masses what my reality has become, because you cannot show someone the truth they do not wish to see.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Welcome Vincent,

That was a great read. Thanks for sharing that! I can relate with what you've wrote.

 

[Lurch]

Welcome, there are many members here that served during OIF/OEF and many that served during Vietnam. This is one of many steps towards recover from the wounds you have suffered. If you haven't, I would recommend that you get with the VA and get a counselor/therapist/doctor to start walking the road to getting better. Don't expect big strides, but rejoice and celebrate the small subtle positive changes. Many on here have been at this for years to decades. Some feel like it has been centuries that they have been battling the Beast/Dragon.

What you have describe is normal for what we have gone through. To me that was the biggest relief, I am normal in an abnormal way.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome here Vincent85. Thank you for writing down what you're going through.
Make yourself at home, have a browse through the archives.

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Vincent,

I still run today when things get tough in my mind, it's either that or stay and fight. If that happens people get hurt, i.e. I hurt them with my words that I don't really mean. I just want them to hate me more than I hate myself.

The forum is a great help mate. Hope you find friends and more importantly, some ways to manage your Beast.

 

[OIF2Vet]

Welcome Vincent.
I'm new here too, but I'm my short time communicating on this forum has really helped. I hope it does the same for you. Your words are so true to how a lot of us feel. wanting so badly to be able to go outside in society without incident.. Trapping yourself inside to avoid the triggers. Getting depressed in your own thoughts cause that's all you have when you isolate.. So you go out, hit a trigger, the beast comes out so you go home and the cycle repeats and repeats itself.. Welcome brother.

 

[vincent85]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the comments.

I found myself trying to talk to someone tonight and my mind went into an altered state. Almost as if I was having an outer body experience and I could tell they were talking, but I could not hear anything. I completely checked out of my mind. I do this allot actually during the course of my day/week. My psychiatrist tells me it is a defensive mechanism that my mind has created to decentralize in order to cope.

Anyone have any idea why the night times are so much worse than the day time? I feel the night time is when my mind comes alive even more so. It makes it hard to ever get on a set schedule, because I never get good sleep and deal with anxiety all night.

 

[OIF2Vet]

My anxiety runs my life during the day. Depression takes hold at night.. Afraid to sleep due to night terrors so I stay up as late as I can and usually fall asleep around 4-6am. Idk I'm more comfortable with leaving my house at night vs the day. Maybe it's cause we convoyed at night and were attacked mostly during the day.. Or maybe just as simple as less people are out at night and I don't like being around people. Idk man I've been trying to figure that shit out myself.

 

[vincent85]

Well at least I know it’s not just me, when my symptoms started to get really severe after I was wounded I was not educated on what was going on with me. I dealt with PTSD my whole life due to my childhood, but I learned to manage the symptoms. Those symptoms were my normal and as perception is reality I knew nothing different. Looking back now I realize I had mental illness my whole life and I fought through it. I remember being at Ft.Bragg training and waking up screaming at night in the tent. Guys would make comments sometimes, sometimes they would not. I was getting to the point that I was trying to hide it all the time. The final straw was in Afghanistan when I was in command of a Civil Affairs CAT-A team and had a PSYOP team attached to me as an asset. I was battling my own guys at night and having to hand over my weapons/ammo before I went to sleep. My guys held out for a while and I tried to hide it, but then one of my team sergeants pulled me aside and said they were worried about my ability to lead missions. I refused to hear it and carried on as usual. I eventually flew into out of my COP to a larger base to get a mental eval as directed by my commander. I made a drug deal with mental health after two weeks to send me back to my team as we were on the tail end of my tour. They gave me the option of going home, but my team was just moved to an area where our last team was hit pretty bad and were out of commission. We were picked to replace them and I did not want anyone else to take command of my team. Needless to say once I got back to my team I did an aggressive area recon and set off to prove a point. The first mission I led that was all she wrote. One minute I was walking, the next I was coming in and out of consciousness seeing my weapon across the field, thinking my legs were blown off, and hearing AK-47’s being shot. Needless to say you come back from Germany and to the U.S and get treated like shit by the Army while you receive treatment by people who have no idea what PTDS is. I spent allot of my time during treatment trying to stand up for other soldiers that did not have any rank or a voice to do so that were also suffering. My Army career ended with some random admin puke GS-7 handing me a cardboard box, which I proceeded to open and see a stuff retirement flag with a thank you certificate. I guess this was the moment I realized the blood of me and my brothers was for sale and it has little value, but to us and those who love us. Now you find yourself trying to find you niche in life while adapting your every move around your symptoms. I feel empty not just from the physiological symptoms, but I feel I have no ideological cause to be zealous about anymore. I was not a guy that ever did anything for a medal or OER bullets. I did it for the experience and the sense of honor I received from believing what I was doing was an infallible just cause. I guess I was the fool in the end and learned the hard way about the reality of life.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Maybe it's cause we convoyed at night and were attacked mostly during the day.. Or maybe just as simple as less people are out at night and I don't like being around people. Idk man I've been trying to figure that shit out myself.

Yep, that feeling of impending doom etc...
I still deal with that. I did some research on it, and one of the more difficult methods is what's called, "Spiking." Putting yourself in uncomfortable situations or places for 5-10 min. Once you feel its time to go then you do so. I felt a lot of betrayal. I felt a lot of moral question as far as religion etc. Who's to tell me when it's right, the actions that are not ordered but taken in the initiative. Somebodies coming for me. Anxiety about going to the store. Flipping out when I make a clumsy move and step in pet food.

I had to get on anti anxiety meds from the VA that didn't have bad side effects. Low dosage at the start, for two weeks then follow up appointment with the Doc. I steel feel that anxiety and some days its worse then others. Or instilling confidence in myself again. Almost had to see it like a social experiment. It also takes a lot of patience and self restraint to be prepared for all the idiotic questions that come up socializing.

 

[T33]

Hi Vincent, and welcome.

I spent some time with the Dr's on understanding the night anxiety spikes and I finally found a decent one who could explain it well.

Apparently when your are at full rest that is when your mind tries to sort and organize memories and thoughts into the most logical "files" - explained to me as a filing system.

However since combat and trauma are so stressful and not a normal human experience, those files just continuously cycle in your mind when you are at rest, forcing you to constantly think about it.

This doesn't offer a solution but I atleast like to understand what my body is doing and why. Meds can help you get some rack but it takes a long time and life changes to break those chains.

All the best to you, I hope you can relate to my vague understand which I also experience.

 

[mrhyde]

Hello Vincent I am currently in a state of transit out of the army. As for me I to have donated blood and some of the better parts of my sanity to the military not for ncoer or mdeals but because it was what was right. At my most recent stay with the fabulous white coat inn and suites I made an astounding observation most of the pe op let that were with me were Damn fine men and women of all branches. It seems the ones who give it all they have eit her get help now or later but we are all effected in our on way.