Hi @Nemesis92 ,
It is her responsibility to pick apart her triggers (eventually), and to manage herself. If she can't she has to realize what she can do (go to her own space, etc). Adding alcohol in can accelerate a tipping point.
i do think (again just for myself) when triggered and there is some basis (eg there is cause for upset but it does not have the implications I am reacting to, which were from the past) its' harder for me and takes much longer to realize it needn't have the impact it does.
ETA I think it's very important it is not one-sided, that is if someone is out of control especially at times like those there can only be boundaries stated before such times. And responsibility for one's self. For example, you say she is done or fed up with you, but that could be deflecting responsibility for her own reactions, not apologizing or feeling badly about her own behaviour and part in it, and ultimately putting blame outside of herself rather than her looking inward at what she needs to do for and about her own self/ reactions.
Not sure if that's helpful.
Best wishes to you both.
^^ I think if you are not intending to make things worse, it is not on you. I also wouldn't call it mistakes, just things that haven't worked well. As Sweetpea said:We both love each other and want to be together but we are going through a rough patch and I want to do what I can to not make things worse.
This is true. Although I would say, sometimes being triggered (just for me) is worse to manage when I am run down, fearful already, feel unwell, haven't slept, etc. So self care for both of you is a good thing.You are not in charge of managing her stress reactions or triggered behavior.
It is her responsibility to pick apart her triggers (eventually), and to manage herself. If she can't she has to realize what she can do (go to her own space, etc). Adding alcohol in can accelerate a tipping point.
i do think (again just for myself) when triggered and there is some basis (eg there is cause for upset but it does not have the implications I am reacting to, which were from the past) its' harder for me and takes much longer to realize it needn't have the impact it does.
i don't think we can take away each other's pain, only be present and on the same side. Building trust does build safety. Unfortunately that safety can actually make you more prone to be lashed out at too, though. Not being reactive, listening, being kind, humor, understanding, space, listening to each other's suggestions, and all of these at 'normal' times especially, I think builds that. Which takes a lot of time and patience. And should be for each other, not one-sided.I guess I’m looking for helps with the specifics… what do you say to someone who is inconsolable in the moment?
ETA I think it's very important it is not one-sided, that is if someone is out of control especially at times like those there can only be boundaries stated before such times. And responsibility for one's self. For example, you say she is done or fed up with you, but that could be deflecting responsibility for her own reactions, not apologizing or feeling badly about her own behaviour and part in it, and ultimately putting blame outside of herself rather than her looking inward at what she needs to do for and about her own self/ reactions.
Not sure if that's helpful.
Best wishes to you both.
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