Sufferer New To This.....complex Ptsd

[LIVELUKE923]

New to the site, I have complex ptsd, depression anxiety. I was molested by an oldef brother from a very young age until around age 7, then married a man who was verbally and emotionally abusive, also physically intimidating and pretty much forced me into sex on his terms, wed are still married, he is much better....
I didnt really recall the sexual abuse until about 10 years ago, in my 30's, and didnt talk to a therapist about it until last year. Im currently on a break from EMDR, so its like all kinds of memories are just knocking around in my brain. I try to avaid triggers, but so much triggers me, I become anywhere from anxious to terrrified and parylized. I cant relax when my husbamd is around, I domt sleep well near him, I get my best sleep (ususally my only sleep) after he leaves for work at 4 am. My stomach gets upset over every little thing.
On the bright side, I have 3 daughters who live nearby, and 3 gramdbabies with another on the way, the girls and the babies are my joy.
Im loo,ing for hope in these posts, i want to feel alive, I want to feel like im not just a waste of life

 

[Hopefully]

Hi @LIVELUKE923 Welcome to the site, I am new here too but already gaining so much from being here, the people here have definitely inspired a glimmer of hope in me.

I too am here due to unwanted sexual contact with an older brother which I had completely blocked out until a couple of years ago in my early 30's and only started with a therapist this year. I completed a course of trauma focused CBT and am waiting to start EMDR. I really relate to that feeling of having horrible memories that have no place to go, the therapy has (rightfully) taken away my old coping mechanisms but I'm not confident enough with the new skills for them to be effective. It is a really difficult place to be. I am sorry that things continue to be though with your husband, is this something you can work through in therapy as well?

I am so glad that you are here. Please know you are absolutely not a waste, your wonderful children and grandchildren wouldn't be here without you, I am certain you offer them so, so much.