Relationship New To This . . . Trying To Understand Him

[Brokenhalo]

Hi Everyone,

I started dating a really great man "again" about 2 months ago. I say again as we dated last year as well and broke up and stopped talking for about 9 months (no contact whatsoever). I ended up seeing him on a dating website and messaged him as we came out as chemistry matches lol. That simple message ended up having us back together within 12 hours of the message (simple dating) and cancelling other dates to see one another that same evening. Just like last year...the first few weeks are incredible in every way (we are both in our 40's). This time around he did open up and tell me he has been diagnosed with PTSD, he is retired from the Military (26 years). Once we get to a certain point, he pulls away, now this is the kicker . . . I am a Counselor, but I work as a Rehabilitation Counselor so PTSD is not my specialty, I work with teens with Disabilities.

He pulls away to the point where we have not seen each other for more than 3 weeks now, some of this is my desire as well as I wanted some distance since he is pulling away. So for the first month, he wanted me to sleep over 3 or 4 nights a week, now I have not seen him for over 3 weeks. He texts everyday as soon as he wakes up and he will text good morning beautiful or something to that effect typically by 6 am. We text throughout the day while we are at work etc. I know he is not currently receiving any treatment and I do know he has some issues with the PTSD (sleep, he drinks alcohol daily in the evening, etc.).

I truly care about him and yes, I do love him. We have a great relationship when he is not pulling away. I don't want to push him away or corner him and we will be getting together this week for a different matter (I am helping him with his resume). I am sort of stuck because I don't want to turn into the counselor with him because that would be unethical on so many different levels, but I want to help him, but at the same time, we need parameters for the relationship to survive.

When I try to talk to him, he clams up and says, I don't want to lose a good friend, so just forget it. Last time he said that I told him, I am not going anywhere, you are freaking stuck with me . . . no response.

I am at a loss, if anyone can point me to resources to help me to deal with this and to try to understand him and be there for him, I would be so grateful.

Thanks!
Jen

 

[shimmerz]

I am going to guess he has attachment issues so I would look up adult attachment disorders. He most likely does not trust 'himself' (and that word is important) in relationships beyond a certain intimacy level. So he runs. Then comes back. Then runs.

No response to 'you are stuck with me' - well my guess is this is the way he is testing you and he will most likely push you away often enough to see where you crack. My question to you as a counselor for teens is (and I am not meaning this in a confrontational way - just a 'maybe think about it way), if you saw a teenage girl in this position what would you tell her?

Attachment and alcohol issues. All bad. Wish I could say something more positive but the red flags are everywhere. Try to maintain very strong boundaries.

 

[Brokenhalo]

@shimmerz

Thank you! Attachment Disorder, I can see that. It makes me think of one night when I stayed over last year, he asked if I minded if he went out, I said no, I was tired, and he got home at 6 am and I was awake and said to me...you're still here and knelt between my legs and just held me.

I'm trying to stay away from diagnosing him etc. It doesn't work when in a relationship. I definitely see the red flags though.

Thank you for the idea with the teenage girl. Because I'm involved, it's more difficult to see things clearly.

Definitely trying to maintain those boundaries!!! Thank you again for your insight!

 

[Promicarus]

I have a slightly different take, though it depends upon the origin of his PTSD.

If he suffered emotional/physical/sexual abuse in very early childhood, then there is then the potential that attachment disorder is in play. And even if, as a veteran, his understanding of his diagnosis of PTSD is that it originated solely from combat, etc...It's been found that those most likely to suffer from PTSD related to violence after reaching adulthood (either single incident, or protracted), are in fact much more likely to have suffered early life trauma, as well.

So not only are the two mutually exclusive...but there's a significant probability that his diagnosis with combat-related PTSD actually was only revelatory of early life trauma...in fact making attachment disorder actually more likely, at least statistically, therefore.

However, this would be an important point to explore with him, I would think.

Specifically, because if in fact his behavior DOES arise from a formal attachment disorder...I would have to agree, as re red flags. Even a cursory read of the literature on attachment disorder would convince most that any hope of a stable relationship in the near term, with a sufferer, is an outside chance, at best...that is, until a fairly long course of treatment tailored toward attachment disorder, specifically.

However, it is worth mentioning that there is a spectrum of attachment disorder, as well...as with most things...and simply to say that someone "has attachment disorder" is not all that useful, in and of itself, ie mild attachment disorder is not all that uncommon, and can be worked through without a great deal of difficulty, with determination on the part of both parties.

Severe attachment disorder, however, is an all together different ballgame, and should be left entirely to trained specialists, and not expected to improve in anything like the near term.

In fact, the term "Attachment disorder" is itself misleading, on its face. The title would naturally lead one to assume, at first blush, that it relates solely to the individual's ability to "attach" within a relationship, ie experience intimacy freely, and accept the prospect of, as well as function well within, a committed relationship.

But this is actually not really the case, at its core--though those behaviors are also outgrowths of attachment disorder, in those with only mild versions, who are therefore high-functioning enough to even find themselves in a position where a mate enters onto the scene, at all, as a possibility.

Because in the instance of formal attachment disorder, that rarely actually takes place, due to the fact that their early ability to attach to a parent, having misfired for whatever reason, has left them fairly without the faculties which would render them fit at all in the eyes of a potential suitor.

But most significantly, for these purposes, I believe is the fact that this "dance" of "draw near/pull away" behavior, is very common to those with PTSD/trauma issues stemming from experiences which took place only well into adulthood, that is to say, without any additional underlying formal attachment disorder issues in play, whatsoever.

Why? Simple, really. Because the world has been converted into a dangerous place, in the eyes of a sufferer of PTSD.
And in a dangerous place, you test others with the expectation of a negative outcome. And that expectation alone is, of course, a self-fulfilling prophecy, in most instances (most won't put up with a whole lot of that behavior, after all)...which only further entrenches the individual's sense of the world as a dangerous place full of people who will only leave him/her in the end, leading to a downward spiral, over time.

Additionally, however, there's the added complication of "numbing", again, among the top few symptoms common to all PTSD sufferers...which is another attempt at regaining control by shutting out emotion all together, in attempts to avoid feeling the negative emotions provoked by the trauma.

And while it naturally seems intuitive to non-sufferers that offering love should serve to counteract that, by assuaging such negative feelings, by offsetting them with positive feelings...in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

The effect is more akin to an "Opening of the floodgates" phenomena, in which beginning to feel anything whatsoever, yes even love, simply opens the door to the flood of all of the negative emotion that the sufferer has been shutting out.

So it's therefore very natural for the sufferer to pull away, at the beginning of the sense that these floodgates are straining and threatening to release a torrent of what had been, up to that point, a churning rapids of overwhelming pain/terror/misery/disillusionment...which he/she had spent so long in attempts to safely sequester.

Hope you'll visit the supporter's forum on this site, as well as others. The study of Trauma is fascinating in its complexity. But daunting in its expression. And one would be well-advised to tread lightly, and only after enough reading, him/herself, to have some handle on what they can expect, and are getting themselves in to.

After all, I know you would not want to be "just another one who abandoned him", in his mind, after finding that, in fact, that "WHOA!....I didn't know I was getting myself in to THIS!". And simply finding your own resources inadequate to make good on your promise of his "being stuck with you".

And believe me, I'm speaking from the sufferers end, here-Not from some Ivory Tower clinical detachment perspective--but from personal experience.

I've finally had to accept, in fact, that watching others hurt, disillusioned, terrified, by my symptoms--and seeing their so well-intentioned hearts break...that that is simply something I'm unable to risk, any longer, at this point. There is little more traumatic than that, after all. Of course, this is just me, myself. Who knows with regard to his case, specifically.

Feel free to PM me, and best of luck.

 

[Seaotter]

@Promicarus oh wow, you have hit the nail on the head of my relationship. Thank you so much for the share and honesty. What would it take for someone to pass the test?

@Brokenhalo my sufferer's trigger is love and caring. We had a really great relationship, I love him deeply, we are also both in our 40s, but one day I told him I loved him, and he literally shut down - I literally saw it in his body. He has avoidant attachment and I am anxious- avoidant. It's been 7 months of push, push, pull, defending myself against characteristics I do not possess creating arguments that I cannot possibly win, getting tidbits of close only to be pushed away, me second-guessing everything, secrets, anger, trying to make me jealous to react, and so much more. He had an abusive upbringing, abusive relationships until me. When I say we were happy - it was amazing. I have researched everything I can. I have a great therapist who emails me between weekly sessions and responds to things almost immediately. After 6 months of the emotional rollercoaster, I am now on anti-depressants, ativan for anxiety attacks, I have to check with my friends about what is normal behavior. Right now I am a mess - I am a former journalist with a 6 figure salary and I can't string two thoughts together. I was together before this and now I wonder if I've lost the plot. I still love him and he had coffee with another woman on the weekend - that hurts. It is not intentional - it is fear. I still believe in him but have no idea how to win his heart.

 

[shimmerz]

It's been found that those most likely to suffer from PTSD related to violence after reaching adulthood (either single incident, or protracted), are in fact much more likely to have suffered early life trauma, as well.

This is so true and many do not take it into consideration when then blanket diagnose Combat PTSD as the trauma is so 'close to the present' that nobody thinks to ask of where the root cause may be.

 

[Promicarus]

...Apologies...my previous post was meant to read "Are NOT mutually exclusive...(P2, first sentence)

 

[Brokenhalo]

Thank you so much for your insight. You have no idea how helpful this forum is. Reading the stories have been eye openers where I say ok, it's not me!

Right now, we are just working on the friendship and strengthening that. We have other things going as well as a little business venture, so I'm literally not going anywhere.

Thank you do much!

 

[Mollie3]

I am new at this chat thing but not at loving a man with Combat PTSD. Living life like a roller coaster would be an understatement...at least a coaster stays on the tracks. I can tell you its does get better with time. If you are willing to hang in through the detachment...it comes and goes even years later. But the communication gets better, sometimes its verbally spoken and other times its the actions, looks or statements that I have to watch for.

 

[Brokenhalo]

I am new at this chat thing but not at loving a man with Combat PTSD. Living life like a roller coaster would be an understatement...at least a coaster stays on the tracks. I can tell you its does get better with time. If you are willing to hang in through the detachment...it comes and goes even years later. But the communication gets better, sometimes its verbally spoken and other times its the actions, looks or statements that I have to watch for.

Thank you for your comments (I am brand new to this too!) Yes, I can see the roller coaster already, and I have decided to hang in there with him, whether we just remain friends or become more. This is our 2nd time around and I am giving him the space he needs as well as just being his friend right now. I already see some of the mistakes I have made with him and he is still around, so that is definitely an action that I see on his part. Reading through the forum and then researching and just learning from the many wonderful people on here, has been a blessing! We were supposed to get together today, but he had to work late and also has homework (yes, he is in school too). So, we decided to take a half a day off of work on Thursday to work on his resume and just spend some time together. I am nervous because I don't want to do or say anything to push him away, but I can't wait to see him either. I said he is stuck with me, and he really is lol!

 

[shimmerz]

I really have to give those who are closely related to PTSD sufferers great credit. I have watched my support system and I honestly believe that it is harder for them than it is for me. Without them I would not be alive today to post - no exaggeration.

 

[Brokenhalo]

Well, just an update: It has been rocky there, but we are getting a handle on everything. We are making some plans for a weekend getaway and trying to spend more time together. Today I told him about the forum and he was taken back that I would go this far in order to understand him and support him. I think he is coming to the realization that I am not going anywhere lol . . . I am the cat that came back the very next day lol. No arguments, actually we have never argued, just disagreed on things. There have been tears on my part...not in front of him though, and we made a promise to each other that no matter what happens between us...we will always be close friends. :inlove: