Anna Banana
Bronze Member
I have never had a memory lapse about any of my abuse. I know all the people involved and what they did. I have problems with sex in my marriage (#5 surprise surprise...NOT) and my abuse went beyond sexual. Growing up in our house was a war zone and you fended for yourself the best you could. I lived my life through books and crawling out my window to walk around during the night time, then slept during the day, after school. I spent most of my teen years sleeping and now, I'm lucky if I can get to sleep before 3am. My sexual abuse started when I was about 4 years old and continued for 3 solid years, until the neighbor moved away and my half brother joined the Navy. Sometimes, with a machete to my throat, being told what would happen to me if I told anybody and sometimes, when I was asleep and my brother coming home from a date. When my brother got home from boot camp, he grabbed my arm and pulled me upstairs and after being 6-8 weeks free of abuse, I started screaming and told him he could kill me because I wasn't going to do it any more. He spanked me, but I wouldn't quit screaming and he left me alone after that.
(Then came my mother...she hated me all my life. Told me how lazy and worthless I was. At the age of 11, she started calling me a slut and on my 15th birthday, even though I didn't do anything to deserve her wrath, she kicked me out of the house onto the streets. Foster homes just brought in more sexual predators. It always seemed that no matter where I turned, there were boys and men to fight off. I've been raped twice when I was 16).
50 years later, I called him to tell him that I forgave him and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. He cried and I cried and so I told him what the neighbor had done to me and then he asked if he had ever done anything to me. I was shocked! How could he go through life so blithely, while I have spent thousands of dollars for therapy and a couple times with me holding a gun at my head or sitting in the car running in the garage??? He's got to be kidding...no way did he forget. Even my brother, who is a year older than me, remembers what this other brother did to me and the torture he put them through, along with me. Now this brother is a right wing Christian and says that if he did anything that Jesus will forgive him...I am not a Christian.
I am a seeker of spiritual truth, which is why I can forgive, but just try to forget. It's just not happening...like the crossed wiring in my brain, it will remain with me for the rest of this life. I will move forward, though. I will not let this stop me. I may be the shell of the person I was or could have been, but I won't stop fighting to reach the top of this mountain.
(Then came my mother...she hated me all my life. Told me how lazy and worthless I was. At the age of 11, she started calling me a slut and on my 15th birthday, even though I didn't do anything to deserve her wrath, she kicked me out of the house onto the streets. Foster homes just brought in more sexual predators. It always seemed that no matter where I turned, there were boys and men to fight off. I've been raped twice when I was 16).
50 years later, I called him to tell him that I forgave him and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. He cried and I cried and so I told him what the neighbor had done to me and then he asked if he had ever done anything to me. I was shocked! How could he go through life so blithely, while I have spent thousands of dollars for therapy and a couple times with me holding a gun at my head or sitting in the car running in the garage??? He's got to be kidding...no way did he forget. Even my brother, who is a year older than me, remembers what this other brother did to me and the torture he put them through, along with me. Now this brother is a right wing Christian and says that if he did anything that Jesus will forgive him...I am not a Christian.
I am a seeker of spiritual truth, which is why I can forgive, but just try to forget. It's just not happening...like the crossed wiring in my brain, it will remain with me for the rest of this life. I will move forward, though. I will not let this stop me. I may be the shell of the person I was or could have been, but I won't stop fighting to reach the top of this mountain.
