Newbie, Does Anyone Have Trouble Looking At Old Belongings?

[reallynow]

I'm having such a hard time looking through all the stuff from my childhood. I've hoarded all of this useless stuff, from childhood. Now I'm cleaning it out for the first time and its taking way too long. I'm taking pretty high dose SSRI's and anti-anxiety meds as it is, which ARE helpful, but still this is extremely triggering.

Before I can even get one hand on another pile of things or box it takes me hours or days. I don't do anything in this time except sit and stare or stand or pace before I realise an hour has passed and I know I should go and clean. I still don't instead I go to the computer or lie down or something for a few minutes before I sit and stare again.

It also takes forever for me to throw anything out, I'll stare at it and eventually throw it out usually in total anger I'll even tear it up. Brings back horrible feelings. Its week 2 of cleaning (only my room and very little belongings trust me) I live at home as I'm 21 and still a student. I'm getting nightmares more frequently too and its taken away all my energy.

I feel like just to walk to a corner of my room and look at my closet takes ALL my effort. So thats why I just sit and stare into space for an hour before I can even go do that. I know its stupid but I feel THAT terrified of how it will make me feel or what nightmare it will trigger. My nightmares have become really messed up and twisted. AH So this is me avoiding to go and do it... by writing this thread. An alternative to staring into space I guess.

Someone can relate maybe?? I hate this.

 

[anni]

Hi,

I can't quite relate to exactly what you're going through at the moment, but have to say that your movements do exactly mimic what I do when I'm having one of my annoying avoidance moments-or days! The pacing, distractions,panic, and down right terror, plus the 'knowledge' that this is 'stupid'. It can take me an entire day exactly like that to sit the heck down and pay a bill. It drives me crazy!

It's not stupid, of course. Since I don't have your exact reasons for what you're going through at the moment I won't say any more about that subject because I don't wish to be unhelpful hence frustrating. You're actually doing such a good job even getting to this clean-up that perhaps you're being a little hard on yourself with the word stupid. :) I do the same thing, so am being a big, fat hypocrite here but have been reminded that even addressing something one doesn't wish to is positive movement and a GOOD thing.

Hopefully someone who can identify with the exact childhood question you asked will reply much more sensibly than I have, and give you a little peace. I just wished to pass on something which was helpful when told to me. I THINK what my T was getting at was to give yourself some credit for what you've managed to accomplish in spite of the discomfort(kind of a luke-warm word for it though, isn't it?) and that builds some positive self image to help keep going.

Take care,

Anni

 

[Jline]

Have patience hon and be kind to yourself! You need that now as looking into the past can be a grueling process. I agree with Anni....good job!

 

[Artista]

It takes the wind out of the sails in me... I get what you're saying. Mustering up the strength to do mundane everyday things or things that are most necessary takes a great amount of effort. You are doing hard work that takes courage. Be kind to yourself. I bet you are doing your best!! ; 0 ) You ARE tackling it... bravo.

 

[K8L]

I'm also 21 and I live with a roommate. I know exactly how you feel! Actually I'm feeling quite relieved that someone else struggles with this too. For me it's not so much items that remind me of the trauma, it's just everything in my room. I get so overwhelmed with it all because I can't bring myself to get rid of anything. I literally have a pile 2ft tall of clothes all over my floor. And I am NOT a sloppy person, I just get so overwhelmed that I sit in front of it and start to hyperventalate. Then I get into what I like to call a "trance" where after maybe 20-30 mins I'll realize I've just been sitting and starring. Most the time I just can't even go in my room because of this. I'm embarrassed to have people in my room because I know they will think I'm just messy, when really I pray and pray that someone will just come along and clean my room and take the stuff I don't need but can't let go of. It's really hard knowing that eventually I have to do this myself.

 

[reallynow]

Thanks to all of your replies they were all very helpful, I just couldn't muster up the motivation to reply yet because I always feel triggered in coming back to my old topics but I did read them and thank you,

Anni, yes you described it like what I feel, I just have this overwhelmed feeling like something is wrong and it feels like where do I start. Its hard to explain but yes. Your right it is a positive thing that I went and did it anyway despite "the discomfort" even though it took 2 weeks to clean only my bedroom :S lol.I ended up leaving the boxes that had the most memories but still I'm glad I did do whatever I managed to do. I hope you also give yourself credit as well. Triggers are everyday for me now but overall I think I do pretty well!!! I totally "keep it together" even though I feel bad with triggers. I hate that they are so frequent but I'm getting used to them and am not as surprised by them.

Jline, thank you, yah it is I think for most people a hard thing but even worse when it brings back horrible memories

Artista, thanks yeah it feels good to know I'm not alone, but yes at least I got what needed to be done DONE. :) I'm glad its behind me.

K8L, oh yeah I also feel so relieved like you, that someone else is feeling the same and struggling with the same thing, I also pile clothes alllll over and never let people in, and I am also not just a messy person. I do hoard things and have a hard time throwing it away. I totally understand your "trance" it always happens to me. I hate it. I think its just happening because my stress or anxiety level is already way up there, and I kind of function or learn to function at this level but then something small like doing laundry suddenly pushes me over the edge and then I have to re-learn how to function and complete the task which takes forever. Now I'm pretty much doing nothing usefull except stare at nothing, or try to sleep because its like I'm recuperating from that clean up. Ugh bad feelings are always everywhere now but I'm slowly starting to get used to them. Hope your doing ok

 

[midi]

Humans are the worst for hoarding stuff we no longer use or need. Me, because of my PTSD, well... I don't keep any of it! Bye bye objects of painful memories! I used to keep things from one particular Ex, but I'm no longer attached to delusions about the dead relationship. Bye bye stuff! Give away what others can use, recycle the rest and toss the absolutely unusable. Cleanse and heal.

The process takes time (years, bleh). 3 years ago, if you walked into my home, you'd find stacks of crap I hadn't looked at in years. In fact, it was so bad, that the rooms were covered in crap, with little pathways to get from one end to the other. My bookcases too, were crammed with useless junk. The fridge smelled like a dying animal. Now, I'm down to 2 bookcases for work/art related info, and some of the shelves are bare!

Our space echoes our state of mind. Be patience and kind, and take little steps...

 

[Alone Here]

I am with the armed forces and understand because I can't stand seeing my uniform or others in there uniforms because of the memories.

 

[Coast]

I can absolutely relate to this, when I came out of hospital the first time with a bit of friendly support I cleared seventeen bin bags and three large boxes out of the house where everything had got too much over time and got ignored. Simple things even became just too much over time, like throwing out junkmail. When I was finally clearing the house it was very cathartic, and I eventually shredded bag after bag of the documents I had found most stressful.

 

[reallynow]

thanks for your posts!

midi, thats interesting! So you think it is a good thing to let go of things with painful memories? I was worried that it was like a bit of avoidance or hiding from the past. Yes it does take a LONG time. It does feel good to say, no I don't need to hang on to this. :)

AloneHere, I can imagine, I'm sorry to hear about that struggle of yours, I know for me the worst thing about triggers is they can be unexpected, as with you I'm sure on posters, TV, etc.,

Coast, Your right, and midi too, I guess it really could be cathartic. Its tough because those are triggering as well, but to let go of them is great. I even wrote down on a bunch of some papers R.I.P. which is something I learned when I was younger. People would right down the things that they were doing wrong, and then write R.I.P. over it, and dispose of it. It was nice, and on top of that the really bad stuff I ripped up and shredded like no tomorrow, just like you described. I get what you are saying, thanks for the reply