Relationship Newbie....what Do I Do?

[gram21]

Hi, I'm new here, and my wife is currently in a 2 month program dealing with her PTSD. She was raped by a boyfriend and then assualted by her fiancee, all before I came around. We grew up together and have know each other since 4yrs old, now 35yrs old. We have been married for 9 yrs. While in this program she has made an emotional connection with another man who also suffers from PTSD. She says that there is nothing physical going on(which I sometimes feel like it might as well be physical)...to which I believe her, throughout our relationship she has always been truthful and I have no reason not to believe her. She explained to me that this is the first time in awhile that she has felt like this. This news destroyed me!...after supporting her over the last 13yrs we been together and countless counselling appts, some other guys swoops in and is getting in between her and I.

I feel like im playing second fiddle. She has not been happy with her self over the last five years(after birth of our second child) and thus if she isnt happy with herself how can I be happy. In the past I have not always been truthful to her and she has complained about my lack of communication to her..... is keeping her emotionally distant from me. I find it very hard to talk to her and discuss my issues when she has soo many issues of her own... I`ve always felt like I had to protect her.

She is due home next week and has asked for more time alone. We have 2 kids and after two months of caring for them(with support from family) and being away from her, the thought of turning our family upside down....kills me. I will be moving in with family on my working days while she stays with kids and on my days off I will move back home with kids. I am ok with giving her some more time, but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that she is not giving me nor us that fighting chance I(we) deserve.

I want to continue to support her and be there for her, but not sure how to do this while being away from her and our family. Any suggestions would be great!

 

[Zef]

Hi gram21,

I've been in a support group like the one your wife is going through as well as other situations where a small group of people are working together intensely for a certain amount of time. In those environments, emotions and attachments do have a tendency to form because of the intensity of the program and the connection people feel when they are working towards a common purpose.

Once back in the real world, though, these things do tend to fade, at least in my experience. Most programs that I know about have very strict rules about relationships developing within the programs, just because most of them end up becoming unhealthy when people return back to the real world.

For advice, I don't know how much I can give you. If you can encourage her not to make life changing decisions immediately out of the program, that could help. If the program is a good one, they are already telling her that. If you can gently help her make the right decisions for your children, for herself, and for you, that may be helpful depending on how you approach it.

Hope everything works out for all of you.

 

[gram21]

Zef,
Thanks, I can totally understand how sufferers can connect with others who share the same traumas. This place also has strict rules on developing relationships, they actually pulled her aside 5 weeks after knowing this was going on and told her that she needed to end it. I couldnt believe that it took them 5 weeks. Especially after the conflict it caused us.

I appreciate the advice...we are going to take it slow, its just very difficult after being with someone for soo long and being a crutch for them and to now take time away. I will give her, her space. We both want each other to be happy. All I have now is Hope!

 

[charlieb]

Hi gram,
I think you need to decide yourself if you want to stay or end it. if you decide that you want to fight for yor marriage, that's what you do, tell your wife find another group, confront this guy and send him on his way. Tell you wife how you feel for her, if she walks away after that the it'll be her loss not yours.

Charlie