NHS covid frontline worker

[Livingwithhope]

Hi. I’m new to the forum. When covid hit I worked as a nurse assistant in critical care, the memories of the fear, watching people my age dying and feeling out of control of my own life (plus many other haunting memories) came back to hit me about a year later when I suddenly went downhill mentally. I was diagnosed with ptsd (with childhood and relationship traumas being realised too) I had EMDR, amazing and I felt much better for a while. I am still attempting to work within NHS, now GP surgery, but I’m still being triggered. Feeling lost again, can’t concentrate, feelings are numb, angry, frustrated when those around me at work tell me how awful covid was for them in minimal PPE and socially distanced etc (no patients allowed in at all) I feel like nobody understands so am reaching out in the hope some of you get me frustration and anger?? Wondering if I need to leave the NHS completely Thank you for reading

 

[arfie]

hello livi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

is it really possible to understand one another across the social distances which have become the new normal? in march 2020 i was grieving the non-covidic death of my son and his wife while trying to cobble together a foster family with his 3 orphans. what the global shutdown did to the already struggling foster care system is nothing short of criminal, but it weren't covid, so nobody cared/cares.

i know nothing of the medical world, but methinks we ALL suffer covidic ptsd. is it over yet? healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

 

[Livingwithhope]

hello livi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

is it really possible to understand one another across the social distances which have become the new normal? in march 2020 i was grieving the non-covidic death of my son and his wife while trying to cobble together a foster family with his 3 orphans. what the global shutdown did to the already struggling foster care system is nothing short of criminal, but it weren't covid, so nobody cared/cares.

i know nothing of the medical world, but methinks we ALL suffer covidic ptsd. is it over yet? healing hopes for all. no exceptions.

Hi. Thank you for replying, so sorry to hear your struggles too. Of course, you are right in that nobody understands others struggles. I guess I am just reaching out to see if anyone feels the frustration and anger I feel after seeing the things I saw, the fear I felt for both me and my family if I took it home and how I felt about being face to face with the unknown virus others spent their time trying to avoid if that makes sense. I am a very different person post covid, the diagnoses and emdr made me feel cured for a while but I feel quite scared to think this may be just me now? Just attempting to make contact with people who had a similar experience and how it changed them if that makes sense? (Sometimes I’m not sure what makes sense anymore!)

 

[MaplePancake]

Sorry for all your struggles. I hope you find good support here. people understand

 

[arfie]

apology if i am speaking in appropriately, livi. i sometimes feel like i'm gonna explode from trying to hold the covidic rage in check and opportunities to talk about ^it^ are scarcer than lip reading at a masked event. it's been a rough rodeo and we don't even know if ^it^ is over yet.

Of course, you are right in that nobody understands others struggles.

this is true with shared trauma, also. add in the isolation where too many of us were not sharing anything and? ? ? have we a case of cultural ptsd? by the end of march, 2020, these children were grieving the loss of their world more than they were grieving the recent deaths of both parents.

I am just reaching out to see if anyone feels the frustration and anger I feel after seeing the things I saw

we didn't see the same things, but i'm still royally pissed about the things i saw from the social margins with my foster children. here's to hoping that caring about one another's anger will be enough to close those social distances. my age peers (i'm 69) remain at a safe social distance and i'm feeling safer for letting their abandonment segway into estrangement. trust? lol.

Just attempting to make contact with people who had a similar experience and how it changed them if that makes sense?

ditto, but i'm not finding them. the socially marginalized folks in foster care, etc., aren't talking, either. i'm still worrying about a cultural implosion from all the repression and terrified of decreasing social distance. just mask it all.

 

[Friday]

It’s incrediably brutal when the careers we love, we excel at, we devote our lives to… become the source of our PTSD.

What. The. f*ck. Do. We. Do. With. Our. Lives. Now?!?

Some people figure it out, in a tremendous variety of brilliant/healthy ways, to reeeeeeally unhealthy & self destructive ways. Snort, and from personal experience sometimes both & everything in between.

Others divert off the road they expected to take in life; to a totally different route entirely, or run parallel workin in a different setting or capacity.

So the good news / bad news is that there’s no easy answer.

It’s like a catastrophic accident. Some athletes rehab & return, others switch sports, some become para-athletes, others leave the world of sport altogether.

 

[ColinKevin]

What a brutal time you NHS front line workers had. I'm not surprised you have a level of intolerance for the complaints from others who weren't putting themselves at the same level of risk as you all did Us banging pans every Thursday was only ever lip service.
It's good that you want to find like minded others, and share the good (EMDR) and bad (returning symptoms). Good on you for seeking help in whatever form that suits you right now.

 

[Movingforward10]

Whilst my trauma is very different from yours, that feeling of isloatuon, difference, not being heard or seen or understood, resonates.
Mother's day yesterday for example. Why does every think it's a lovely day? And that "all mothers are heroes"?
So I think that trauma is isolating.
People don't want to know and don't want to hear, and talk from their experience only and assume others share their experience.

Hope in this forum you find the connection and understanding you need. Lots of people here have trauma from their jobs. But others, like me, still can understand the impact of trauma.

 

[gealach]

Hi. I’m new to the forum. When covid hit I worked as a nurse assistant in critical care, the memories of the fear, watching people my age dying and feeling out of control of my own life (plus many other haunting memories) came back to hit me about a year later when I suddenly went downhill mentally. I was diagnosed with ptsd (with childhood and relationship traumas being realised too) I had EMDR, amazing and I felt much better for a while. I am still attempting to work within NHS, now GP surgery, but I’m still being triggered. Feeling lost again, can’t concentrate, feelings are numb, angry, frustrated when those around me at work tell me how awful covid was for them in minimal PPE and socially distanced etc (no patients allowed in at all) I feel like nobody understands so am reaching out in the hope some of you get me frustration and anger?? Wondering if I need to leave the NHS completely Thank you for reading

Paramedic here. I get it.

I think I posted more than a few rants on this site during the pandemic...

Spoiler: EMS covid stuff

- people complaining about having to wear a simple mask while I'm in full uniform, duty boots, duty belt, non-breathing iso gown, double gloved, n95 mask, surgical mask, and glasses... in +40° summer heat, sweating like a pig
- people claiming the vaccine is harmful because they had a totally normal and beneficial reaction to it, while I had (and still have) cardiac and other effects but still managed to get the whole series, because the vaccine was safer than the virus
- people who can't breathe, peddling covid conspiracy in my ambulance as I try to keep them alive
- people claiming covid isn't real, after I just brought my last covid+ patient in and knowing that person wasn't coming out again, seeing the fear/sadness/resignation in their eyes because they knew it too and all I could do to help was hold their hand because their family wasn't allowed to be there, and knowing all they feel is my double gloved hands
- transporting a little kid with covid who's lungs were so infected they sounded like blowing bubbles in thick chocolate milk
- taking an hour after each covid+ patient to wash every inch, nook, and cranny of the patient compartment, including the ceiling, and still wondering if the 3 day old preemie I transported next is going to be contaminated and infected because I missed a spot
- people who had been cheering and banging pots & pans in support of us earlier in the pandemic were now the ones flipping us the bird as we drove the next call, protesting outside the Emerg department, blocking our ambulance bays, accusing us (and other health care workers) of being part of the greatest lie and conspiracy ever
- and wondering after every shift if I was going to bring home covid as a souvenir for my mom & pets

I had some really, really angry days. That's when every/most patients were covid+, every shift, every tour, multiple weeks with no break, covid covid covid covid. It was a lot of sustained stress and pressure. Luckily there's been some room to breathe for a bit, patients with other illnesses/injuries, more balance. I have actually learned to hate the colour yellow though (our iso gowns).

I have been able to stay in EMS ''post'' pandemic, but a lot of paramedics are gone. Same as with other health care departments.