Nightmare Disorder Or Ptsd?

[sonicwhite]

@joeylittle I don't know why the would exclude drug induced psychosis as a PTSD trigger but also drug induced psychosis is supposed to go away as you start to stop using drugs. Mine has never went fully away.

I had a nightmare about My Doctor that died. In the dream he was going to another psychiatrist to see him. He was wanting Xanax for his anxiety. In real life Dr. Holloway had physical ailments that he would not talk about. I wished he did, it would of brought me closer.


Well anyway in the dream the two where talking about the symptoms he was having and how he had tried everything else. Well the psychiatrist mentioned Xanax and Dr Holloway ears perked up.


He got what he wanted but that night when he took it he died. In real life he died in his sleep. Then I get this sense that's why they don't prescribe Xanax hardly to anyone in real life. Dr Holloway gave me Xanax for a year. I will tell you he asked me what does it feel like like he was interested to know.


I told him all it does is take away the teeth grinding anxiety I have. But when I went into the psych ward in 2012 they yanked me off of 1mg four times a day. And put me on Topamax. It was the almost the worst detox I had ever been through.


Well I'm wondering did all this detox stress just bring the psychosis out which now is a good reason to say I have schizophrenia. Or do I have MDD w psychotic features. I don't know. Even being off the gabapentin I still have nightmares. The only time I get relief from nightmares is if I stop taking prazosin and then start it back up in two weeks.


It's like there is always adrenaline going through me. Ugh, I can't stand the fact I cannot for the life of me accept I have PTSD even tho the docs say I do and the therapist. Oh well

 

[sedna]

@joeylittle I don't know why the would exclude drug induced psychosis as a PTSD t...

It can take a long time, even a year before your body and brain chemistry regulate themselves after prolonged use of psychotropic medications.

The rebound effects of anti anxiety medication means that as you come off it, the detox is amplifying your anxiety. People that abuse xanax and benzos for fun, but do not have anxiety, will have anxiety or panic attacks when they decrease doses or quit.

Its a good possibility that whatever your mental and emotional issues are right now are just how you feel right now. I once was obsessed with my job for a year, but that doesnt make me a permanent over achiever.

Everybody has weird dreams, that doesnt make you nuts or mean your doctor visits you from the dead. If he and xanax have been on your mind, then thats what your subconscious had available to make stories with while you slept.

 

[sonicwhite]

It was just crazy. I mean I felt all the emotions when he died and I found out and ah man it was weird. I wished all my dreams would stop. I wished I was like those who don't remember their dreams.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you'll get a clearer picture after you stop all drugs and other "substances". Until then you'll probably never figure out what's what.

Do you know Brian Wilson's story? He still has hallucinations from bad LSD trips-------that were maaaaany years ago.

 

[sonicwhite]

I took so many drugs all at the same time in 2005 that it collapsed my brain. I know I'll never be the same cuz I was stuck in jail without a advocate to help me. I couldn't speak because I thought it was the end times and I thought there was third floor where it was a human slaughter house.

Ppl I thought where torchered and than chopped up if they didn't recieve the mark of the beast.

Psychosis with me went religious but also permently put a fragmented pictured of the end times in my mind.

When I finally got beat up and said to God please help me. For an second I gained my bearings back and I call to get out. But all that I feared was still goin on after two months of being in jail taking no drugs.


I get out and I got to the clubs I worked at because my roommate was working at the time. I wanted to see my ex but at the same time drugs where put in my face which just made me more psychotic. I looked up at the sky at like 2:00 AM and I see this lighting bolt travel like for fifteen seconds.


So yeah. Drugs have permently fried my brain. I honestly say my calling stemmed from the psychosis.
God calls for a sound mind. Not one that has been riddled with drugs. God looks at the heart. He sees my willingness but I have so many delusions that I have to ignore that I think it's impossible for my to be a preacher because of the damage that has been done. Out of what I went through only one good thing came out of it.



I gave my life to Christ. And from there to here He has shown me A lot but I'm not about to go up to a pulpit and preach. I will tell my testimony but that's it.


The thing is is if it was drug induced. Well while I was detoxing I was traumatized by all the delusions I had. And still have today. Like the Pure O obsession that I'm at Gods Judgment and about to be sent to hell. So all in all I can see how jacked up my brain is but I still can't accept I have PTSD. Even tho I am dx this.

 

[sedna]

There's something to be said for just ignoring stuff until it goes away. If you're triggering yourself by hyper focusing on all your feelings and thoughts past and present and wondering about religious purpose at the same time you might just want to find something else to do.

Everybody feels really weird on psych drugs and then again when they get off. It takes a while to really adjust to either thing. There's no pill you can take or stop taking that will make you feel like a normal person all of the sudden. You didnt fry your brain in one weekend and you cant unfry it overnight either.

Whatever particular brand of nuts you feel like you are right now probably isnt permanent. Brains do recover from damage, neurological science is fascinating. You should start googling amazing recoveries that doctors didnt think were possible. There are people that were born with half of a brain and no one knew they had anything wrong with them except fro mild learning disabilities. Then they had an x-ray as an adult for some reason. Technically you shouldnt be able to move half your body with half a brain. They've discovered that in a lot of cases the brain has rerouted its circuits to compensate.

Sometimes genius is the result of damage somewhere else in the brain also. The broken part rewires to go somewhere else to compensate and it results in unusual talents.

Gods not judging you for anything, just knock all that off. If I'm wrong, he'll let you know when your life's over. Until then think about other stuff.

 

[joeylittle]

I took so many drugs all at the same time in 2005 that it collapsed my brain. I know I'll never be the same cuz I was stuck in jail without a advocate to help me. I couldn't speak because I thought it was the end times and I thought there was third floor where it was a human slaughter house.

If it helps, this is very, very close to what happened to my brother. He was self-medicating for mental health (probably schizoaffective or schizophrenia but could have been bipolar) since he was in his teens. He was also off and on various psychotropics. Eventually he was using what I'd call 'hard' drugs (ecstasy, PCP, heroin, cocaine). He had his first real brain-dry when he was around 16, after a bad LSD trip. He had another one in his early 20s. He had a full psychotic break in his late twenties. After that, he did get on a good road, and now he's stable and on manageable levels of prescription drugs for his mental health. He is finishing college. He's basically healed from his brain-fry. He's clean. It took awhile.

They don't know enough about how the brain works. They do know what it looks like when it's been altered. There's some evidence that drug-induced psychosis can instigate schizophrenia, mood disorders, and bipolar. Many drugs - especially the methamphetamine class, psychedelics, and alcohol - alter the structure of the brain. Alcohol takes awhile. Drugs can do it almost immediately.

Drug-induced psychosis, when it doesn't go away, gets converted to (basically) Other Psychotic Disorder, or something else on the schizoid spectrum (it's a spectrum, just like bipolar).

I am not saying you have schizophrenia, or a psychotic disorder. These diagnoses are incredibly complicated. But I have to say - from what I know of your story - if I were your patient advocate - I'd be asking why you weren't being evaluated fully for some other things, besides PTSD.

What is so complicated, is that once mind-altering drugs are introduced and psychosis has onset with them (not in advance of them) - you are firmly in the territory of 'the better your doctor, the more accurate your diagnosis'. And if I remember right, you had spent a long time with one doctor before he left practice, or passed away, and it was pretty fast that your new doc changed your diagnosis to PTSD. Your therapist - who I know you really get along with, and I'm not meaning to speak ill of her - she is not specialized in trauma therapy or psychosis, right?

Ultimately, I don't even know how much it matters, except for that there are drugs that do help control psychosis specifically, and the side effects that just go along with it. And if there was some legal medication that would help you get a more solid footing, so you could get some relief from these symptoms - it would help you out.

I guess, all I'm saying, is psychosis is hard to manage all on your own. You've been trying to manage your mental health by different kinds of self-medicating, some legal, some prescribed, some taken correctly, some abused. I only know three people with different psychosis disorders, but they are family, so I know them pretty well. They all suffered from doctors not looking at the whole picture. And a little bit of the right medication makes a huge difference.

But - this is only my experience, and I'm not a doctor I've learned what I've learned from being on the supporter side.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I guess I had a lot I wanted to say to you. Take what's useful, and leave the rest, always.

 

[sonicwhite]

Well, I wished there was something that would wipe out the memories of what I went through. I mean it would help a whole lot. Given the fact that it took two years of heavy drug use before my brain did what it did.

But why dwell on the past. There is nothing I can do about it and it will only make me more depressed. Thinking too hard about the future will only make me anxious so I have to stay in the moment. I seem to grasp it sometimes and sometimes without even noticing I'm back in the past wishing I didn't make these mistakes.


Pure O OCD is where you have obsessive thoughts but no physical rituals. It's all in the head. That caused the most anxiety I have ever had. Why they have me on klonopin is if you take away the anxiety that triggers the thoughts that they are relevant, then you take away the obsession. Which mine is Gods Judgement, I cannot find anything scarier then that and that's what I hate about OCD. It latches onto the scariest thing.


But oh well that's in the past. I'll live in the moment. Give myself a break. Try not to be so hard on myself. Accept I have nightmares and not really ruminate where the heck they are coming from.

 

[sedna]

Well, I wished there was something that would wipe out the memories of what I went through. I mean i...

There you go, sounds much more positive. You have to try and keep an ' internal locus of control ' instead of wondering what horrible thing might befall your mental state any second.

Klonopin can be a bitch to taper off of, make sure you dont mess with the dose or stop without your docs directions.

One thing that helps the kind of OCD you have, which I've suffered badly from myself- thats an understatement actually, its a kind of hell thats hard to describe, anyway...keep yourself active physically. The energy of the cycling thoughts keeps adrenaline in your system and its a never ending cycle that feels like madness.

Burn yourself out physically everyday whether you feel like it or not. Workout, walk 5 miles, whatever, just go to bed tired.

You sound much better Sonic! :tup:

 

[sedna]

@sonicwhite I was thinking about the OCD you say you're diagnosed with and wanted to add something to my post.

Most people aren't familiar with what thats like,they associate it with the hand washing and compulsive cleaning type. The anxiety your kind of OCD generates is excruciating.

I hope you remember that the mental and physical exhaustion from juggling 500 thoughts at once, combined with obsessive reviewing of past mistakes and trying to guess future events makes it easy to sound incoherent when you're trying to talk to other people.

It's just from neanderthal days where if a human saw a another guy get eaten by a T-Rex near the oak tree, he keeps thinking about that oak tree so he doesnt forget and go stand next to the T-Rex's favorite spot. Your fight or flight response is fixated on the prevention by remembering area in your brain.

That of course, will make you feel and wonder if you're not just insane. When you've had a thousand thoughts and feelings ricocheting around the inside of your head like ping pong balls, you know its impossible to form connected thoughts in sentences. If it were possible to have that so bad that it couldnt be fixed, I'd be that person.

I dont think you need to worry too much about not getting better someday.