Nightmares That Aren't Really Nightmares

[Definitely..maybe]

The title contradicts itself a little bit, but I keep having dreams about loving my abuser, and to me that is a horrible nightmare!

I go through different nightmare phases, sometimes my exact trauma and other times it is different people doing horrible things- but it's by the people I'm closest to.

Right now though my nightmares have been the same for about two weeks. In them I get a chance to be with my rapist/assaulter and completely forgive them, all for the sake of being in love with them and my mind thinking I miss them. It completely sickens me.

Does anyone else have this or understand it?

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

I have that, with me though, I get these 'nightmares' during the day and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy =(.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

I'm so sorry to hear that, I know they're terrible:(

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

. In them I get a chance to be with my rapist/assaulter and completely forgive them, all for the sake of being in love with them and my mind thinking I miss them. It completely sickens me.

I can't help as much is I'd like to as I have recently just been told I have PTSD and haven't been going to therapy long enough to understand whats going on myself. But I do know how you feel and what you're going through if that helps. I feel likeI forgive my abuser but at the same time I don't. I do miss them, all the time, which makes me feel sick, confused and terrified. Maybe it's the trauma we've been through that makes us feel this way?

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@SwordsMistress I know that for years my abuser was also my comforter. He cut me off from all family and friends so I was completely dependent on him. So after he'd hit me, he'd hold me while I cried. After he raped me, he'd cuddle me and wipe my tears. I feel like that has something to do with it, like he should be helping me through PTSD. A I don't have these dreams about my stranger rapist.

I'm sorry to hear you've been diagnosed, it's definitely not fun. But I have to hope we'll come out of it stronger and take away something from it. If you need anything let me know:)

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

@SwordsMistress I know that for years my abuser was also my comforter. He cut me off from all family and friends so I was completely dependent on him.

Yes mine did that too. I felt like I could talk to no one, except to him for many years. Every time he'd do something to me, he'd say he was doing it for me, to make me feel better. I have nightmares about this all the time. It makes me feel like it was my fault. He was always there when I was sad.

 

[Jaro]

Attracted to things that are bad for us, this is something most people have to learn; me too. It matters not whether it's a dream or real life.

First I clearly admit my dysfunction in being attracted to someone who is cruel. It's a long term meditation until wisdom arises. The other thing is this excercise: over and over think about what kind of persons you would like to be and what kind of people you would like to be with. Since my attraction to a negative person is fabricated, this seems to break it down.

 

[Muzikluvr]

After he raped me, he'd cuddle me and wipe my tears.

Mine would rape me, then tell my family and his about it, then they would get mad at us both for "lying to them again, and upsetting them all... or trying to" and then they'd send us both away telling us to "go play". He would then put his arm around my shoulder and cuddle me, comforting me for the loss of my familial relationships.

Now my nightmares consist of telling my family about the abuse, finally explaining it "correctly" so they would believe me, and them comforting me. Then, right after they comfort me, they begin to doubt me or minimize the abuse. They begin to explain it away. That is when I wake up shaking, crying, and angry. Invalidation is a bitch. I'm sure he destroyed my familial relationships because that's what hurt me most, because rape no longer mattered to me, but my family always will.

I wish I had some advice for you. Maybe if you found some comfort in real life, then you wouldn't be dreaming about it at night... probably, though... if you were comforted while traumatized then it took on an addictive, co-dependent, unhealthy feeling of "caring" that you will be hard pressed to replace with normal comfort. That must take some kind of therapy to shake that off. I'm so sorry he did that to you. That bastard knew exactly what he was doing when he isolated me from my family and became my only confidant. I became his "pet". He toyed with me and my relationships with exuberance. No one liked him, no one wanted him around, and they let him have me once they realized I was broken beyond what they thought I could survive. They were glad that he left everyone else alone after that. All they had to do was tolerate some tattle telling about rape.

Predators psychologically destroy their victims, systematically wreck their victim's relationships with others, and make themselves the heroes so their victims will keep coming back. Sick.

I think anyone would call your dreams nightmares, despite there being no molasses to run in, or screaming and running. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I hope you find support here, where we understand one another, where some of us have similar experiences. Maybe we can help you fill that comfort void.

I hope my post helps. Take care.
Muz

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Muzikluvr I am so sorry to hear about what you had to go through. It's so disgusting and sick, I really hope you're managing okay. Your post was spot on and definitely helped me validate some things.

Thank you for caring and listening, everyone on this site helps me just about every day. It's beyond appreciated.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@SwordsMistress I am so sorry to hear that. It's just so horrible. I hope this site can help you like it helps me.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Jaro I know I have that sort of attraction too, it sucks! Thank you for the tips- I'm going to try that!