No Desire For Intimacy

[kxCobra]

Hey everyone!

At the moment I guess I'm not in a great place. I'll survive, I always do. I was emotionally and verbally abused for most of my childhood, but I started seeing a counselor and everything kind of got better.

I'm a sophomore in college, and I have pretty healthy friendships with three other girls. I was on and off talking to this guy, which I've never done before, and one of the "friends," decided she was into him and flirted with him real hard at a party the other day. We had a talk about it and she apologized profusely, but also said that she had strong feelings for him and wanted me to know that.

How do you get over not really wanting anything to do with anyone? I guess her betrayal on that front was a trigger which kind of sent me into this downward spiral of not wanting anything to do really with anyone. For me it feels justified, I'm usually the one who takes care of my group of friends and keeps everyone together, but when in the past I have tried to talk about my PTSD to my roommate, one of the friends, she invalidates it quicker than I can even keep up with. Now in recent light of events, I just want to drop the whole lot of them and be by myself. I mean in all honesty, how could people who haven't experienced some sort of trauma realize the effects of their actions? I'm in no way justifying her developing and pursing her feelings for this guy while I'm involved with him, but what is the point of interacting with people who have had it relatively easy up to this point? It feels as if most people are selfish and only act in their self interest, and I'm so sick of being everyone's Mom when I'm the one dealing with real issues! Even the relationship with said guy is a shitty one, he doesn't want a relationship, and while he is nice enough, he flirts with everything that even remotely looks like another girl!

Sorry for the rant, I guess my question is when you guys get triggered by something like this, how do you get over it and want other people back in your life?

 

[Teddy Bear]

Hey everyone!

At the moment I guess I'm not in a great place. I'll survive, I always do. I was emotion...

It is extremely hard. I am an ambivert so I need the closeness of friends and that kind of intimacy but at the same time I want nothing to do with them. I want my own space. I feel like I am constantly being pulled in different directions and it distracts me from my true feelings of what I want. I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no switch we can flick on and off. If that was the case I would be hanging out with friends all the time but I can tell you this; it is easier to overcome that feeling of wanting to be left alone when you are surrounded by friends who you know care for you and wouldn't be put off by your emotions or trying to invalidate you.

 

[kxCobra]

It is extremely hard. I am an ambivert so I need the closeness of friends and that kind of intimacy...

I understand where you are coming from. I'm an Ambivert also, so it is tough because I enjoy friendship, I just have no desire to interact or really put any faith in them. Aside from College, I do have a couple friends back home that I know I can trust, so I'll just test the waters with them. I'm sorry you've experienced something similar to what I am experiencing, thank you for the advice!

 

[Gs172003]

What is an ambivert?

As far as your friend did she know you were into this guy?

 

[kxCobra]

What is an ambivert?

As far as your friend did she know you were into this guy?

Ambiverts as I understand them are middle ground between Extroverts and Introverts, in other words both.

Yea, I told her I was spending the night with him/was developing feelings for him, etc.

 

[PointlessExistence]

Yea, I told her I was spending the night with him/was developing feelings for him, etc.

That sounds like a direct betrayal. She has the right to go after him, but it's a rotten thing to do to a friend. I also didn't like hearing about the friend who invalidates the PTSD. I don't have any advice about how to let them back in. I probably wouldn't want them, but at the same time, it's hard to be a loner, especially when they'll probably all talk about how you got "so sensitive" and such. I guess I would just cool it as far as being their "mom". I'd make it more superficial.

 

[sonicwhite]

I've been so emotionally abused by my ex that I give up my right to be with anyone. I believe she screwed it up for all women. But you can be with someone.


Ppl are different. I think if I would of got with someone before I was getting these bellowing feeling of abuse I would of been fine. I believe there is a threshold you go over and than you don't want it. Like seeing a train wreck a mile away.


But it's up to you. Also parties be careful. Not everything looks the same the next day and anything could happen. I thank God for all the time I had parties that I didn't die of a gun or OD.


BE SAFE.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

:hug: kxCobra :hug:
First of all, WELCOME to the Forum! You have found a really special place with lots of caring, compassionate people who would never invalidate ANYTHING you have to say. We respect and honor your feelings, experiences, and resulting difficulties! Though you can't see us in real life, we can form really strong friendships here, and...you don't even have to get out of your PJs! (A little humor:tup:)

I am sorry that your friends are so shallow, disrespectful, and selfish. I have some different thoughts about this than you might think. Bear with me...

Your roommate/friend invalidates your PTSD, the other "friend" moves in on a guy, knowing that you are interested in...even having plans to spend the night with him. You don't describe your other friend, but the fact that you are sort of the "mom" that keeps you all together, makes me think that maybe you are really, much more mature and self-sufficient than they are. Maybe you have, or are, "outgrowing" them?

As for the guy, he sounds pretty shallow, and not the type that is a "keeper". He is obviously not a loyal, caring person, but someone who is out for a quick "lay", then will move on to someone else to make him feel like he's special, or he's just a player. Why waste developing feelings on someone who is known to be looking at other girls to "score" with? (I'm probably using outdated terms...I am not exactly young...not in numbers anyway. I just refuse to completely grow up!) :geek:

I think you deserve better than that. Maybe your "gut feelings" are keeping you from extending your trust and respect to people who don't deserve it? Being a sophomore in college might be a lonely place to be? I don't know, I was busy getting married, and married, and married. I thought I had to have a man to complete me, and ALWAYS chose the wrong guy. I quit the whole dating/marriage thing and am happy being single.

I would hope that you can concentrate on your schoolwork, getting good grades, maybe seeing a therapist, just to have someone to talk things out with. You don't need to be making bad choices when you are feeling lonely. Being with the wrong people can get pretty darned lonely, even though you aren't alone. It's too easy to get physically intimate with a guy, when really you just need a caring friend. I imagine this guy would push for sex pretty quick, or move on. You have been through enough, and guarding your heart is VERY important!

Are there any activities outside the classroom, where you might find people who are more up to your emotional and mental speed? At this point in your schooling, it's important not to sabotage your mental health by getting mixed up with a guy who doesn't know what loyalty is. Your friends don't know what that is either.

You might just plan on them being your "not so close" friends, but acquaintances that you probably won't stay close to after college. I always tell people who are graduating High School, that they have just finished the "Kindergarten" of life. You really have only just begun to find out more about who you are, outside of your family, and what you experienced with them.

Maybe there are support groups that would be helpful? Your school counselor could help with that, and your "friends" don't have to know a thing. Seeing a therapist during this time is not a bad idea. I think YOU are definitely the HEALTHY one in this situation.

Best of blessings to you!
AKJ
P.S. I think I write the longest posts...I wonder if there are points for that? :wacky: Yes, I'm a nut! But a happy nut!:laugh:

 

[EveHarrington]

What is described as "ambivert" sounds like it could be a PTSD effect. Wanting intimacy & closeness with people (an innate human need), but also wanting to be alone.

Extroverts are "recharged" by social interaction.

Introverts are "recharged" by alone time.

I can be a VERY social outgoing person when the time calls for it. But at the end of the day I'm still an introvert because I need alone time to recharge. There are many like me out there.

I don't know if I've heard of people needing to recharge from both being social and having alone time.

 

[aut555]

Hey everyone!

At the moment I guess I'm not in a great place. I'll survive, I always do. I was emotion...

Ok this has been said over and over, college relationships for the most are short-term crazy. Men aren't really that mature yet. I think your friend is typical, everyone is fair game in college. That seems to be the trend. It's nothing personal really. Stayed single most of my life, and it doesn't bother me at all. More woman are choosing to stay single and not get married. You may wish to live alone just not to be involved with drama. You have to decide there. This external drama keeps you away from your goal of a degree to move on.

 

[Gs172003]

Ambiverts as I understand them are middle ground between Extroverts and Introverts, in other words both...

I've never heard of that. Learn something new everyday.

 

[Gs172003]

Ambiverts as I understand them are middle ground between Extroverts and Introverts, in other words both...

As far as the "friend".. Friends don't do that. They simply... Don't.