No Idea Which Forum To Post, But, Crumbles, Reliving, Falling, Dealing?

[didithappen]

Hey all,

Still very much coming to terms with PTSD, I was diagnosed as "probably PTSD" by a psychiatrist in 2014, but since never fully assessed.

However, since, I have what I describe as wobbles. I can feel them coming, I dread them, to my core, I know I will become useless, I know I am falling and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I am crumbling and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

But once it starts, I relive something, sight, sound, smell, touch, feeling, everything, to the last detail, yet sometimes I can see here and now, yet I cannot move, or escape what I am reliving, and each and every time it is for the first time. I react as though it has never happened before.

I have collapsed in the shower, my chair, bath, anywhere, thankfully I have a supportive partner that knows when it happens and slowly pulls me back.

How can we get past this? Is this PTSD and is it time I accept I have it? I have a hard time dealing with this, accepting it is part of me now.

Crying typing as I feel so weak because of what I have lived, it is unfair, I want to be me again, me from 5 years ago, me that was confident in any stressful position. Now, if it is unplanned, I back out, cannot do it, cannot do phone calls as I cannot read their face, I hate this.

I want me back, can we beat this? I want to, I hate it, I do not want it, I want me back.

Really crying now.

Sorry, this thread went off a little, but needed it. Hugs all.

 

[Deadman]

What you describe may be a flashback.

Why have you never been fully assessed? Are you in therapy now? Any meds?

And yes, if it truly is PTSD it can get better. You will never be 5 year ago you but thats not even possible without PTSD.

 

[FireSign8]

Similar things have happened to me in the past& as I learned more about my self & my hyper sensitivities to people, places & things, I had to start experimenting in order to see what worked to give me relief & what did not work. Meds were no good for me. Smart phones were no good for me. Touching a computer screen in the checkout line sent my system into a rage & the systems often stopped working when I was at the cashier terminal or a bank using the ATM (indoors only). I found that outdoor ATM machines never broke down. The new machines with the chip card seem to be more reliable for me to use than the old magnetic strip readers.

In other words, I finally learned that I was holding onto energy & it was having a negative impact on my body. I also am AWARE that the unseen world of spiritual energy is everywhere & a lot of the deceased are searching for someone in this realm to assist them in some form or another. It can be frightening for some people to deal with the "taboo" world of spirits due to religious teachings & fear of the unknown.

This is just my take & opinion & I am in no way a health professional. I just know the modern medicine has almost killed me on more than one occasion, so I decided to try to heal myself & finally did find something that worked for me & helped me to live my life without medications, endless meetings & painful medical probing from "experts"! No one knows you better than you. Start taking notes & making small life adjustments & see what happens.

If you are working with a Therapist, then ask them to take a look at your findings once you have a journal of things & times that you feel "UNEASY". Something is out of balance with your body & it could be as simple as food allergies, toxic products you use on yourself & even the water you bathe in or drink. We humans were never meant to eat all of this processed & package foods or to cover ourselves in chemicals & horrid perfumes. We often unknowingly add to our own misery. This is why self educating & experimentation is important when nothing else seems to be working.

I took a chance & it made a big difference & I was able to make small changes that allowed me to feel better about the world. I still
hide on most days & never shake hands, but not I can do my grocery shopping without having a meltdown in the produce isle. I just have to be mindful to NOT walk down the soap or deodorant isle & I'm fine 99.9% of the time. Customers wearing perfume send me running to the frozen foods, where the air is clean & I can regain my stamina.

 

[didithappen]

Thanks both, have not been fully diagnosed, but been assessed by a psychiatrist who said I probably suffered PTSD.

Don't have a therapist at the moment, as simply cannot afford it, hoping that changes soon, then I have to find one, and build up trust again as moved away from my last one of three years, I could open to him no problem, but he is just to far away.

I had feared it was flashbacks, I mean, it is like reliving for the very first time, sight, smell, touch, taste, feelings, skin, everything. And in every single little detail, like I am completely living it for the first time.

Its shocking the detail, but afterwards, the details fade, slowly at first, then quicker as time goes on, till I can only remember the main shocking parts. Or the main feeling I had through it.

Its weird, and hard to explain.

 

[FireSign8]

To my knowledge, there are 3 main types of mental health people. Psychiatrists, Psychologists, & MFCC. Some work on a sliding scale for nominal fees of $20.00 or less. I found the phychiatrists were doling out meds by the drawer-fuls, psychologists wanted long term expensive commitments & the MFCC's were hard to see on a one on one basis. So, I did a lot of groups & discovered a nominal fee counselor on a message board on the wall of an ACA meeting. Adult Children of Alcoholics helped me to learn where much of my skewed thinking came from & I bought a ton of self help books & did all sorts of journaling, left hand writing, & art therapy drawing with my left hand. It helped to open up my right brain where a lot of good & bad memories were hidden.