No Interest In Sexual Relations

[brokenchild]

Long, rambly, and need advice.

I do not, and never have, had interest in having sex. Granted, I am in a sexual relationship, but I don't know how much of that is scared that I will lose the person if I don't. He doesn't force or anything, but he obviously isn't happy when I say no and that sometimes causes him to completely retreat from me.

He says it's hard to look/touch me without getting those feelings. Maybe because I never "normal" touchings as a child, I want those now. Just to cuddle up next to someone and feel loved. Not cuddle up and be fondled. He doesn't seem to understand so more often than not, I just go with it.

I don't get anything out of it 99% of the time. It is not pleasurable, and is usually not unpleasurable, but I could be doing more productive things with my time. I have sex because I know he wants it, I want to make him happy, and I DON'T want him to pull away from me when I say all. I've told him numerous times that it makes me feel like I can't say no and that he only wants to be around me when he can touch me. He says he has feelings too and i need to realize that. That it's difficult for him to be in contact with me and not get those feelings/urges.

To make things even more difficult, there is ~40 years between us and the relationship started as a dad/daughter one. Then it progressed. I do not mind the age difference, I don't even mind the sex per se. I just don't like feeling that saying "no" means losing affection. To me that means I can't really say no.

Any ideas how we could work this out? I'm sure I'm not explain this well but I just got back from vacation today and am exhausted.

 

[Leona]

Boy, do I know how you feel. You described me exactly. When I've been in a relationship, that is. I'm not right now. I was just thinking about this the other day, because I'm contemplating trying to date, and I feel like "what man would want a woman who has almost no interest in sex?" As a young person, I never was allowed to take sex at my own pace and finally get to the point where I was ready and actually wanted it. I'm almost positive you'd say the same thing. I think all sex abuse survivors who experienced it in childhood or during the teen years would say the same. When I was married (I've been divorced about a year), my experience was the same as yours. I did it because I felt I needed to keep him happy. I really got nothing out of it. I'd rather be sleeping, or folding laundry. It was like one more chore to do. I think it has something to do with detaching from my body during sex. I learned during my abuse to tolerate what was happening. I was also heavily drugged when I was being abused. My body just doesn't work when I'm having sex now. I can't orgasm. I find direct vaginal stimulation annoying. It actually makes me angry. And, I'd find myself pretending to enjoy it so my partner felt good about himself.
I don't have any words of wisdom, I'm afraid. I just wanted you to know that I feel exactly as you do. I've actually thought that I should try to find a man who can't perform sexually due to an injury or something like that, so that it's out of the picture entirely and we can just have a romantic, intellectual and emotional relationship without all the physical stuff triggering my ptsd!

 

[brokenchild]

Exactly, it's like a chore. Most times I'd rather be doing something else, but some times, eh, why not?

I like the idea about finding someone who can't preform sexually. I'd much rather have an emotional/intellectual relationship than a sexual one any day. Problem is, at my age, all guys want is sex.

 

[Hlost]

It's funny but I always tried to get 'intimacy' from the act but never achieved what all the talk was about, I thought that was just the way it was suppose to be - I enjoyed parts, the seduction, power, what I deemed "control"- just generally two people coming together sometimes briefly, sometimes for longer stretches of time. The harder men tried to please me the more upset and frustrated I got. I rarely if ever spoke about it. It was easier if I just took charge.

It wasn't until this one period in my life that I really experienced what all the "fuss" was about and I was like OHHHHHHHHH! I began to feel parts of my body I had never felt before and understood how I had sold it all very short. I loved it and took every advantage of it I could. Although I felt short-changed in life I was loving the fact I could engage in such a wonderful experience now.

That period of time was short lived after a dr found several fibroid tumors and a series of surgeries had to take place, somehow sending me through triggers and traumas. It was horrible. I have been lost in layers of clothing since and find the pain of sex so agonizing that my gyno is at a lost. Though there are adhesions, only so much can be done about those. I am sad and upset.

I'm back to trying to relax and enjoy but it hurts, what a trigger! I feel so bad for my husband, who is sweet and doesn't push or want to hurt me. It's not fair to either of us. I understand not getting anything out of it. I don't get a thing out of it except hope that he is satisfied at least a little.

 

[Leona]

I'm happy for you that you actually had the "wow" experience, but sad that you had to go through the surgery and lost it again. Personally, I never felt it with anyone. I had one boyfriend that I enjoyed intercourse with a lot, but never orgasmed. My experience has been that in the beginning of a relationship, I can handle the sex and even enjoy it to a point for maybe the first six months. Then, it wears off and I shut down and start to feel like I wish he'd leave me alone more. When I think about dating now, I'm very afraid I'll find someone I really like, and then we'll become intimate, and he'll want to have that kind of close physical relationship, and do things to me that I just can't stand, and it'll all be ruined. All it takes is for a guy to want to give me oral sex or try to use his hands on me too much, and I disconnect. It sounds weird, but I'm better off with an experience where we just get straight to intercourse without too much foreplay. I hope you find that enjoyment again. I'd really like to know what it feels like just once to have that.

 

[WonderingWhy]

You are definitely not alone!

 

[suzie q]

I just finished reading this thread and wanted to say thank you to all the posters!!:D

Everything that has been mentioned here is very familiar with me. Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one...I have felt this way for many years:banghead:

 

[Lucycat]

It sounds weird, but I'm better off with an experience where we just get straight to intercourse without too much foreplay

this is just how I feel. But it is not how I want to feel!

 

[Leona]

It's not how I want to feel either! But, I'm 45 years old, and I'm not sure I'll ever get connected fully to my sexuality. My therapist tells me that sex abuse survivors always have a rocky road when they try to have a sexual relationship. I'm not sure it's worth the anguish and pain to me. I just don't want to be lonely the rest of my life!

 

[Lucycat]

I am 46. I am married, and have been for 25 years, however my sex life has never been great. The past year, since my diagnosis with CPTSD has been the worst, but that is also because I am so much more aware now of what I'm missing and why. I had always assumed that I was just a little odd and naiive.

I have never found jokes about sex in the slightest bit funny. I hate innuendo. I always thought I was a bit of a prude. I had no idea I could be any different, or would have been different if history had been different. But now I DO know I am taking on the challenge and trying to see if I can improve my/our sex life. Slowly but surely, little by little I hope to progress until I am comfortable in myself.

 

[Leona]

I nevered considered myself prudish, but I simply don't respond to sexual touch the way most men would like a woman to, and that makes me feel defective. I can be interested in a man sexually for a few months. Once the novelty wears off, I couldn't care less. Especially if he does something that disappoints me in any way, and that doesn't necessarily mean sexually. If I feel let down, or that he was at all insensitive to my feelings, I shut right down. I do want a relationship, but I'm really scared that my issues will doom any relationship I try to failure. I'm at the point where I'm even afraid to "leave the gate" so to speak. It's like, why bother? I'm only going to let them down. Eventually I will just find sex a hassle, and they will feel rejected, then they will start to resent me, and feel like I don't love them. I tend to be drawn to men who are less attractive than I am, because the way I see it, if they feel "lucky" that I'm with them, maybe they'll actually stick through all my problems. Who knows...maybe if I find a slightly unnattractive guy that I like enough, I can find some contentment. I don't know.

 

[WonderingWhy]

In my opinion the looks of the man shouldn't be a factor. The reason I say that is that the best way to have anyone stick through the good and bad for the long haul, is to have "true love and commitment" This is something that develops and grows. Only when a person knows a person on the "inside" will they know if they "click" and have strong enduring love for each other. This can be the most handsome man alive to the "ugliest duckling". I would not eliminate anyone based on looks alone. You may be missing your special one.

I think what most people feel lucky about with someone after the initial intrigue is the person they feel close with. That's what makes them want to stay. That's just my opinion.

Keep in mind this is coming from someone who is divorced and avoids virtually all intimate contact!:rolleyes: