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- #97
Butterfly64
Silver Member
Thank you...you always break it down and have some good points.@Butterfly64 - I don't want to be part of a pile-on, here - but do want to point a few things out because I believe it might help.
Read this statement:
If you believe this is true - ask yourself:
Do you want to accept him on his terms (casual, no solid commitment), and be his good friend and a sex partner, but not have a relationship?
That is the question you are dealing with. That's the only question.
This question:
The most realistic possibility is:
- He is being honest about wanting to have sex with you (craves me), and
- Is making sure to protect his own wants and needs (with knowing he won't be content with just one sex partner).
I'd like you to consider that he knows what he wants: he wants you to be his friend and sex buddy. Her does NOT want to have a more meaningful committed relationship with you, or with anyone.
I'd also like you to consider that he's made a choice about not being in therapy. He has chosen to accept himself, the way he is.
Your quote had a final phrase. I took it away, to make a point. Here's the full quote:
It's very, very possible - I'm going to say likely - that it's NOT due to PTSD. He's made life choices, and sure - PTSD might be adding to some underlying dysfunction - but if he does not see it as dysfunctional - is not willing to work on it (which you've been clear, he's not) - then all of this rationalizing you've done is nothing but a very, very complicated way to justify staying enmeshed with him.
Just three more points:
Are you taking his word for it, that he was monogamous? You need to seriously consider that he's not telling you the truth. Why would he tell you the truth? It won't get him what he wants.
You wrote that. Read it over again. Can you see how much your psyche needs this to be true? This is what you're getting out of not walking away: So long as you stay waiting there, you can continue to believe that this man somehow makes you special. That's the part of this that is your dysfunction.
Your next sentence is:
He knows that you want him, but you want him to change. That's not the same as you not wanting him now.
Try and see the difference, please. I think you've gaslit yourself in this situation.
The thing is....when supporters post their stories, I also think; get away from that guy! Wake up and smell the coffee...he is no good for you. And I obviously base that on the little information I am given, which is far from the whole picture....when the whole picture is obviously a lot more nuanced ? and I stayed because I know he loves me, that he would never, ever use me and jeopardize loosing me just to have sex...we were friends for four years before he told me, he was in love with me and he valued our friendship greatly, as did I.
When he and his ex broke up, he and I were just friends and we talked a lot about him and his ex...I am quite sure that during the seven years with her, he did not sleep with anybody else. They had a mutual agreement that they could, but he didn’t...as he said then...we almost never had sex, but love is more important than sex. He had no reason to not be with honest with me about that. I was married....and he thought I was happily married...so we were just good friends who confined in each other.
I know that he wishes he could be in a relationship with me...he has told me this, but as soon as it feels like a relationship....as soon as I get too close to him, he panics and pulls away. Why would he want to put himself through this for two years when it is obviously mentally exhausting for him to be with me...it would be so much easier to have his needs met elsewhere...like he did after he and his ex split up. He hooked up with women over a period of 1,5 years just for sex....uncomplicated. It would be so much easier for him to go back to that....but he doesn’t want that...he wants me and he wants us to take one step at a time and me to stop pushing for intimacy and relationship...because he hopes that if I stop pushing, he will become ready for intimacy...which equals relationship in his world. And why would he say hurtful things about at one point wanting to be with another woman, when he knows it pushes me away? If he is just using me for sex, he would never say that....and he only says it, when he is already in a bad state and I push him for intimacy. Lostforgottensoul did the exact thing...said the same things as he does to push me away.
But I have no more time to give him and we won’t get there when he is not in therapy. Yes I want him....but I don’t want him at the same time and I am never, ever taking him back unless he goes to therapy and even if he does...I don’t think I want him then. I am “just” having a hard time letting go of an imaginary dream of how I thought it would be two years ago, when he talked about where we would live...and I had to tell him to slooooow down and take it one step at a time?
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