Relationship No intimacy, denies we are in relationship. Need advice!

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@Butterfly64 - I don't want to be part of a pile-on, here - but do want to point a few things out because I believe it might help.

Read this statement:

If you believe this is true - ask yourself:

Do you want to accept him on his terms (casual, no solid commitment), and be his good friend and a sex partner, but not have a relationship?

That is the question you are dealing with. That's the only question.

This question:
The most realistic possibility is:
  1. He is being honest about wanting to have sex with you (craves me), and
  2. Is making sure to protect his own wants and needs (with knowing he won't be content with just one sex partner).

I'd like you to consider that he knows what he wants: he wants you to be his friend and sex buddy. Her does NOT want to have a more meaningful committed relationship with you, or with anyone.

I'd also like you to consider that he's made a choice about not being in therapy. He has chosen to accept himself, the way he is.

Your quote had a final phrase. I took it away, to make a point. Here's the full quote:


It's very, very possible - I'm going to say likely - that it's NOT due to PTSD. He's made life choices, and sure - PTSD might be adding to some underlying dysfunction - but if he does not see it as dysfunctional - is not willing to work on it (which you've been clear, he's not) - then all of this rationalizing you've done is nothing but a very, very complicated way to justify staying enmeshed with him.

Just three more points:
Are you taking his word for it, that he was monogamous? You need to seriously consider that he's not telling you the truth. Why would he tell you the truth? It won't get him what he wants.
You wrote that. Read it over again. Can you see how much your psyche needs this to be true? This is what you're getting out of not walking away: So long as you stay waiting there, you can continue to believe that this man somehow makes you special. That's the part of this that is your dysfunction.

Your next sentence is:
He knows that you want him, but you want him to change. That's not the same as you not wanting him now.

Try and see the difference, please. I think you've gaslit yourself in this situation.
Thank you...you always break it down and have some good points.

The thing is....when supporters post their stories, I also think; get away from that guy! Wake up and smell the coffee...he is no good for you. And I obviously base that on the little information I am given, which is far from the whole picture....when the whole picture is obviously a lot more nuanced ? and I stayed because I know he loves me, that he would never, ever use me and jeopardize loosing me just to have sex...we were friends for four years before he told me, he was in love with me and he valued our friendship greatly, as did I.
When he and his ex broke up, he and I were just friends and we talked a lot about him and his ex...I am quite sure that during the seven years with her, he did not sleep with anybody else. They had a mutual agreement that they could, but he didn’t...as he said then...we almost never had sex, but love is more important than sex. He had no reason to not be with honest with me about that. I was married....and he thought I was happily married...so we were just good friends who confined in each other.

I know that he wishes he could be in a relationship with me...he has told me this, but as soon as it feels like a relationship....as soon as I get too close to him, he panics and pulls away. Why would he want to put himself through this for two years when it is obviously mentally exhausting for him to be with me...it would be so much easier to have his needs met elsewhere...like he did after he and his ex split up. He hooked up with women over a period of 1,5 years just for sex....uncomplicated. It would be so much easier for him to go back to that....but he doesn’t want that...he wants me and he wants us to take one step at a time and me to stop pushing for intimacy and relationship...because he hopes that if I stop pushing, he will become ready for intimacy...which equals relationship in his world. And why would he say hurtful things about at one point wanting to be with another woman, when he knows it pushes me away? If he is just using me for sex, he would never say that....and he only says it, when he is already in a bad state and I push him for intimacy. Lostforgottensoul did the exact thing...said the same things as he does to push me away.


But I have no more time to give him and we won’t get there when he is not in therapy. Yes I want him....but I don’t want him at the same time and I am never, ever taking him back unless he goes to therapy and even if he does...I don’t think I want him then. I am “just” having a hard time letting go of an imaginary dream of how I thought it would be two years ago, when he talked about where we would live...and I had to tell him to slooooow down and take it one step at a time?
 
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Thanks ever so much for all of your comments ? and rest assured, I am not taking him back. A part of me wants him...which is only natural since it has only been two months since I broke it of with him...these things take time. Some days I feel really good and strong...some days I just miss hanging out with him...drinking coffee, talking for hours about this and that...which again is quite natural, because we have done that for 6 years and he is really good company.

Even in the chaos which was us, he makes me feel safe and secure...ridiculous I know, considering how much he has put me through...not deliberately, I know, but still. I have to find myself again...get back to the really strong and independent woman I was before him. Ironically, one of the things he fell for, is me being so strong and determined and at the same time, very sensitive and concerned for those around me. So...I am pulling myself together and I have to stop over analyzing his words and actions, because the truth is, that he is guarded when it comes to his heart, he is so reluctant to commitment...as he puts it himself; I have to protect myself from getting too involved. And with an attitude like that, be it fully PTSD or a mix of PTSD and him just having lost faith in relationships, doesn’t really matter, because I can’t trust his answers when I ask him...he is so guarded. You can’t love PTSD out of anybody...especially not, when they won’t even let you try ?
 
I can’t just switch off my feelings for him...it is a mix of feelings...desire and friendship....friendships over 6 years. I miss him...he is so good fun, he is caring and warm and I know he is so fed up with his life and that saddens me. I know he wants me, but I also know that I am no good for him as he is no good for me...we tear each other apart...me craving for more..him feeling constantly guilty. Seeing him yesterday was me hoping that we can try to get back to being friends, but he can’t do that.

But it doesn't sound like you can do that either. Be just friends. Your feelings are too strong. You are stating that. You tear each other apart (sounds pretty unhealthy) but you want to still be friends?

I say leave him alone and force him to leave you alone by blocking his number from both calling and texting, for now, and focus on you. Focus on healing that desire and hurt. Go to therapy yourself. It can't hurt. Work through those feelings (which are vaild) and get to a point where you have no desire for him. Then maybe (a big maybe) unblock his number and approach the friend area. But friends like this is very unhealthy (for both of you) and you are saying that. Just in different words.
 
But it doesn't sound like you can do that either. Be just friends. Your feelings are too strong. You are stating that. You tear each other apart (sounds pretty unhealthy) but you want to still be friends?

I say leave him alone and force him to leave you alone by blocking his number from both calling and texting, for now, and focus on you. Focus on healing that desire and hurt. Go to therapy yourself. It can't hurt. Work through those feelings (which are vaild) and get to a point where you have no desire for him. Then maybe (a big maybe) unblock his number and approach the friend area. But friends like this is very unhealthy (for both of you) and you are saying that. Just in different words.
You are right. A part of me wants us to be friends and another part knows it is not the smart thing to do for neither of us. It is “simply” a matter of breaking the pattern. I was quite surprised when he broke his own block on Messenger and contacted me after only ten days....he knows that as soon as we text or see each other, his head will be a mess....as it has for two years whenever he sees me. It is an addiction, I know and it is hard to break for both of us....but I finally broke it in May and he has a hard time accepting that.
 
It is an addiction, I know and it is hard to break for both of us....but I finally broke it in May and he has a hard time accepting that.

I think you do too. Have a hard time accepting it. I think all of this talk of how good you are for him and stuff and how you guys used to be and all is part of that addiction. Just like it is not good for a herion addict trying to get clean to say repeatadly to themselves "I want herion. It feels so good. I wish I could have some herion. I was so functional back in the day when using. Herion is not that bad!" This is sort of the same thing. Self talk is so powerful. So, maybe change that tape in your head?
 
I think you do too. Have a hard time accepting it. I think all of this talk of how good you are for him and stuff and how you guys used to be and all is part of that addiction. Just like it is not good for a herion addict trying to get clean to say repeatadly to themselves "I want herion. It feels so good. I wish I could have some herion. I was so functional back in the day when using. Herion is not that bad!" This is sort of the same thing. Self talk is so powerful. So, maybe change that tape in your head?
I am not good for him...as I have stated several times ? and he is not good for me either.

I openly admit to having a hard time letting him go...if it was easy I would have done it a long time ago. Now it is a working process...some days it is going good...some days not so good...all part of the process. Strangely enough, him trying to get back together yesterday only convinced me more, that I don’t want to and I have to stick with that.
 
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I am not good for him...as I have stated several times ? and he is not good for me either.

You have but there have been some statements of times long ago and I am just stating to try to be self aware of the statements you say to yourself. I understand it's hard and many days is harder then others. But, if you go through this thread, I can find many statements you are typing (self talk) that is countering that you and him aren't good for each other. That is reinforcing that addiction and maybe making it harder then it should be to let him go. Just wanted to throw out there to be self aware of self talk. That's all.
 
You have but there have been some statements of times long ago and I am just stating to try to be self aware of the statements you say to yourself. I understand it's hard and many days is harder then others. But, if you go through this thread, I can find many statements you are typing (self talk) that is countering that you and him aren't good for each other. That is reinforcing that addiction and maybe making it harder then it should be to let him go. Just wanted to throw out there to be self aware of self talk. That's all.
I agree...over analyzing is dangerous and self talk has to go and most days I don’t do that anymore...some days I do...especially over analyzing because he is so self guarded to his heart. So no more of that crap ?

Thanks for always offering sound advice?
 
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Update;

Walking out on him in May was hard. Saying no to getting back together over and over again was hard. Missing him, but not wanting him was hard. I paid for a month on Tinder...just to take my mind of things. I knew I was not ready to date....that all men would be uninteresting compared to him. So four days ago I decided to join a paid dating site...since I have reached a point, where I love him, but don’t really like him that much anymore. A lot of men have contacted me....and I must say, it is great fun ? I don’t miss him that much anymore....obviously I have to avoid seeing him in order not to get weak. I am currently writing with two men and I enjoy it. If their pictures are not lying, these guys are very attractive and I could actually see myself falling for one of them...if they have a great personality of course. So I am making progress....something I was not ready to do under three months ago. I am looking forward to meeting both guys....a bit nervous...but in a good way. I think I am ready to take my life back and fall in love again.
 
But I have no more time to give him and we won’t get there when he is not in therapy.
good!!!
I am “just” having a hard time letting go of an imaginary dream of how I thought it would be two years ago, when he talked about where we would live..
There is no "just". This is huge. HUGE. You had a dream - and it ended. Don't minimize it -- because it's heartbreaking. You needed time to grieve....
So I am making progress....something I was not ready to do under three months ago. I am looking forward to meeting both guys....a bit nervous...but in a good way. I think I am ready to take my life back and fall in love again.
This is awesome!!
 
good!!!

There is no "just". This is huge. HUGE. You had a dream - and it ended. Don't minimize it -- because it's heartbreaking. You needed time to grieve....

This is awesome!!
Thanks ❤️ It definitely hasn’t been easy to let go of the dream! I am not over him yet and seeing him would mess with my head....he actually just texted me...saying that he is taking a road trip with one of his female friends, just to inform me so I know why he doesn’t reply, should I text him (he has a number of female friends and they are all crazy about him...I know he isn’t in the least bit attracted to them...but it still pisses me off that he wasn’t able to do stuff like that with me). I wasn’t going to contact him...so strange that he would inform me of that. I will soldier on...keep myself busy and hopefully he will soon be out of my system...but six years aren’t easy to forget
 
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