Relationship No intimacy, denies we are in relationship. Need advice!

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Gently I say @Butterfly64 , therapy for ptsd doesn't necessarily eradicate or hone commitment or maturity. In fact, I would guess amongst other things one needs more commitment to therapy to get one's rear there. Would he stay with you if you couldn't make love? What if you were together and then you got ill? Etc.

Because I'm sure it's not the case, but right now it's sounding more like a booty call, and they are as common as blades of grass. (And I've never known any guy (personally) who pushes constantly for sex who has ever given up. There's one I see at work who pushes it every tuesday (seriously), and another it's been more than a decade and he sometimes texts me as though he's texting someone else; only after the 1st time or two I realized he hadn't made a mistake/ wrong contact. But I don't see it as their attraction to me, or my value to them. It's just trying to get their needs met. At my expense if I'm not agreeing).

And I don't think it's very thoughtful of your feelings to speak as you have described he does. But if he said he doesn't think he can be faithful or monogamous- ptsd or not, believe him.
He stayed with his ex for seven years....she had big mental issues as well as problems with her stomach...and they had sex about four times a year because of her issues...he stayed anyway. He stayed monogamous when he was with her for seven years.
He has said some pretty awful things for sure when he was triggered by my pushing him and I don’t want him now, but I have known him for six years and I see him around his friends and family and he is actually a very loving, caring and giving person...all his friends come to him for advice. I know him really well and I know he is crazy about me....as I said earlier, it would be so much better for his mental health if he just had a friend with benefits...no strings attached, no expectations, no tiresome discussions...but he only wants me even though he knows it ends up in tiresome discussion about lack of intimacy. The fact is that before May when I dumped him, I hadn’t found this Forum and I didn’t know how CPTSD rips people apart and each time he opened up to intimacy and relationship, I pushed him too hard...that is why he mentioned other women. He wasn’t interested in anyone in particular...he was interested in not being with me anymore because I pushed him too hard constantly....but he couldn’t let go of me and I genuinely believe he tried to push me to end us using the only thing that would work... talking about other women
 
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it would be so much better for his mental health if he just had a friend with benefits...no strings attached, no expectations, no tiresome discussions

I would respectfully disagree. Coping mechanisms don't address trauma, they allow you to continue without addressing trauma.

Several people here on the forum say it's just the opposite; by the time they're on here they often say they're here because their marriage or relationship, and family, is going to be lost. So even those relationships didn't cure their ptsd, either. Healthy, unhealthy or neutral relationships can't cure ptsd. I would say however, relationships can be helpful, harmful, or neutral (to both parties.).
 
I would respectfully disagree. Coping mechanisms don't address trauma, they allow you to continue without addressing trauma.

Several people here on the forum say it's just the opposite; by the time they're on here they often say they're here because their marriage or relationship, and family, is going to be lost. So even those relationships didn't cure their ptsd, either. Healthy, unhealthy or neutral relationships can't cure ptsd. I would say however, relationships can be helpful, harmful, or neutral (to both parties.).
I agree...and seeing me is harmful to him and he knows that...it messes with his head
 
His head is sounding like it's running all over the place @Butterfly64 .

Good luck and follow your heart. :hug:
It is running all over the place that is why I left? and that is why being with me is bad for him...and he knows that...the irony of it all is, that he used to work in family therapy and he claims not to have the energy for therapy because he chose to buy a house in January and has spend all of his energy working on the house...brilliant!
 
@Butterfly64 - Please disregard this feedback if it’s not helpful. I may be speaking heavily from my own stuff. As a sufferer, when I read how much crap you put up with him, PTSD related crap or not, I get a little concerned you don’t think very well of yourself, or that perhaps you don’t feel like someone that others would want. You made such a wise choice to leave in May, and I know it’s just a few months later and the pain is still so real. But you are making great decisions to keep walking away.

He’s telling you it’s just a matter of time before he would engage in the dealbreaker behavior that you have been clear about would be an end to any possible relationship with him... but you keep seeking for connection or to sort out and solve the pathology of someone that treats you so poorly. He’s pretty clear on what he is willing to do and you’ve been clear it’s not enough for you... and honestly, as a sufferer, I hope you’d think enough of yourself to keep taking space so you can find someone much better.

And... I could be completely wrong, which is highly likely. I keep thinking the wise and good choice you have made in May might be an amazing opportunity to find your courage to believe that you are worth such better treatment and to go out and find the partner who will see and cherish you the way you deserve. You have an incredibly kind and compassionate heart that someone else could really love much better. Maybe consider pouring some of the energy and heart you keep pouring into someone who just runs from it, to someone who can love you back so much better.

You keep taking wonderful steps to pull away from him and all the nonsense and that’s wonderful! Keep going! Follow your heart to do that and own it!

I’m sorry he’s doing the push/pull FB drama game. Ugh. How painful!
 
@Butterfly64 - Please disregard this feedback if it’s not helpful. I may be speaking heavily from my own stuff. As a sufferer, when I read how much crap you put up with him, PTSD related crap or not, I get a little concerned you don’t think very well of yourself, or that perhaps you don’t feel like someone that others would want.

He’s telling you it’s just a matter of time before he would engage in the dealbreaker behavior that you have been clear about would be an end to any possible relationship with him... but you keep seeking for connection with someone that treats you so poorly. He’s pretty clear on what he is willing to do and you’ve been clear it’s not enough for you... and honestly, as a sufferer, I wish you’d think enough of yourself to get mad and and take space so you can find someone much better.

And... I could be completely wrong, which is highly likely. I keep thinking the wise and good choice you have made in May might be an amazing opportunity to find your courage to believe that you are worth such better treatment and to go out and find the partner who will see and cherish you the way you deserve. You have an incredibly kind and compassionate heart that someone else could really love much better. Maybe consider pouring some of the energy and heart you keep pouring into someone who just runs from it, to someone who can love you back so much better.

You keep taking wonderful steps to pull away from him and all the nonsense and that’s wonderful! Keep going! Follow your heart to do that and own it!

I’m sorry he’s doing the push/pull FB drama game. Ugh. How painful!
Thank you so much ❤️
It is definitely not, that I don’t feel I deserve better...I know my worth. I have been married twice... for 13 and 17 years and I know men find me attractive. Actually my ex sufferer is 11,5 younger than I am ( I am in my mid fifties, but people think I am mid forties).
The thing is, we were friends for four years before we became involved and I knew that at least a couple of years before he told me, he was in love with me, he was very attracted to me. He has never been so fascinated with anybody his entire life and he just wishes, I would be content with knowing that he is crazy about me, but he can’t be in a relationship now. During our two years together he has had to cope with some major issues
apart from constant pains and CPTS...he hoped, that once these issues were out of his life, he would be ready for a relationship. Unfortunately my patience had run out, so instead of being patient with him, I pushed him every few weeks...pushed for intimacy. That was too much for him. So I know him really well and he is in no way a player and him telling me that one woman will never be enough in the long run is either the truth or him pushing me away the only way he knows how...him forcing me to end it, because he can’t.

The day I ended it in May, he said; sometimes I wish you would find somebody else...I am no good for you..you deserve better. And he also said, that he wished I would end it, because we are not healthy for each other and he feels constant guilt for not being able to give me what I deserve and constant guilt towards his friends and family for not being the guy he was eight years ago. When I said, that I wouldn’t end it...that he is worth it, he used the comment he knew would push me away....I am out of balance and may jump some random woman at a party. And that hurt even though I know he hasn’t done one night stands in about ten years...that is not his style. He had not mentioned other women for nine months and he only does it, when his PTSD flares up and that particular day in May he had been feeling down for weeks. I know that it is still shitty behavior and I acted on it and left him. But I love him....he is just as much my drug as I am his, but I am not taking him back as he is now and he knows that. He doesn’t want anybody but me so he keeps contacting me and every time he asks me to come back, I say; go to therapy and then we can talk about it. I am pretty convinced that if we were in a relationship, he wouldn’t want to be someone else...it is just him rebelling against being so addicted to me...he has never experienced that before and I know it scares him, because he can’t act on it....he can’t be in a relationship.
Thanks again for you kind words ? You can rest assure that I don’t want him back unless he goes to therapy and says he is sorry for what he said...that he didn’t mean it and if that does not happen then I have to figure out if we can be friends...he has been a part of my life for six years. For now he says he can’t see me...it drives him crazy being around me and I have to admit that seeing him today after a month was hard when the mutual attraction is way of the charts?
 
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So I am very confused as to whether his claim to always ending up wanting to have sex with somebody else at a point is just PTSD because he can’t admit to finally having met at woman that satisfies him mentally and sexually (which he has never tried before) or if it is the truth and because of that I can’t be with him and now he has just texted me, that me coming over and seeing him for 30 minutes a couple of hours ago, messed with his head and he has to block me on Messenger again !!!
Try this on for size...

It doesn’t matter if you’re that person or not.

Because HE isn’t what YOU want in a partner.

Seriously... getting wrapped up in what he thinks about you is just stroking your own ego. Oooooooh. I’m soooooooo perfect for him. But whether that’s true, or not? He’s not perfect for you. At all. By a long shot. Because you want commitment & he wants to f*ck other women. A lot. He reeeeeally wants to f*ck other women. (So I’d honestly question whether you really are as “the one” as you seem to think you are. I am in no way saying that cocky self confidence ain’t a good thing. But being smart with a high libido might be your most important priorities in a partner -and more power to you, they’re high on my list, also- but matching someone mentally and sexually can actually be low on someone else’s priorities, or even points against. I have friends who LIKE dating/marrying partners they outstrip intellectually (it’s part of how they feel like they can protect & provide for, and what makes them needed &/or valued), or are so madly in love with “the chase” that spending a lifetime having to woo their partner into bed? Suits them right down to the ground. The seduction is better than the sex for them. (Too big a disparity in either direction kills the relationship fairly quickly.)

Adding in all the he cant admit it, it’s ptsd that isn’t letting him see how perfect I am, it’s his history that doesn’t let him see how perfect I am.... is only screwing you over. Salivating over what he thinks about you, instead of shrugging and moving on to someone who doesn’t want to be f*cking other people, and who does want what you want. It’s like falling for a gay guy. The two of you want different things. You can spend years pining over how perfect you’d be together if he weren’t gay, but facts are, he is. You can spend those same years pining over someone who is emotionally unavailable, imagining how perfect you’d be together if they weren’t like that, but facts are, he is. What you want and what he wants are fundamentally opposed. No matter how well you get on, otherwise.

Out of curiosity.... Is going after unavailable guys a pattern in your life? Gay, married, LTR, Boss, emotionally unavailable, commitment-averse, etc.? It’s a self defense mechanism for some, simply seductive for others (all of the thrill, none of the day to day making it work). It can also happen as a one off, but given 2 fairly serious marriages in your history, it makes me wonder if this guy is acting like a woobie / security blanket for you. Someone you can chase, and be thrilled by, get warm fuzzies with, and dream about might bes and maybes... but not have to reeeeeally risk anything. Because he’s not a real contender for marriage, since you two want such different things. Just something to consider.

Raise your standards, woman! :D Doesn’t matter how perfect you are for them, it matters how’s perfect they are for YOU.

Kick I wanna f*ck other women guy to to curb. Date other smart men who are good in bed. Find someone who is right for YOU.
 
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him pushing me away the only way he knows how...him forcing me to end it, because he can’t.

I did this.


sometimes I wish you would find somebody else...I am no good for you..you deserve better. And he also said, that he wished I would end it, because we are not healthy for each other and he feels constant guilt for not being able to give me what I deserve and constant guilt towards his friends and family for not being the guy he was eight years ago. When I said, that I wouldn’t end it...that he i

And this


he used the comment he knew would push me away....I am out of balance and may jump some random woman at a party.

And this. Even though it was a lie

To push guys away. I am faithful to my core and would never cheat but I'd use it to push guys away. I would use anything to push guys away up to badly hurting them.

That said, if he is pushing you away and not able to give you what you want, intimacy, and you ended it in May and called it quits, why do you care? To me, it doesn't sound like you have called it quits. If he keeps texting you or calling you, block his number. Or tell him to stop calling you. If not, then you haven't called it quits. You want to stay friends but you are wrapped up in this pretty hard. I'd have to agree with @Friday on this one. If you called it quits, none of this would matter. Because you have called it quits.
 
@Butterfly64 - I don't want to be part of a pile-on, here - but do want to point a few things out because I believe it might help.

Read this statement:
I am convinced that he has commitment issues...that he will feel trapped and he is definitely not ready for a relationship and is likely to stay single always
If you believe this is true - ask yourself:

Do you want to accept him on his terms (casual, no solid commitment), and be his good friend and a sex partner, but not have a relationship?

That is the question you are dealing with. That's the only question.

This question:
he craves me, but at the same time pushes me away with the talk of other women...so is he just being honest or is he lying to push me away!
The most realistic possibility is:
  1. He is being honest about wanting to have sex with you (craves me), and
  2. Is making sure to protect his own wants and needs (with knowing he won't be content with just one sex partner).

I'd like you to consider that he knows what he wants: he wants you to be his friend and sex buddy. Her does NOT want to have a more meaningful committed relationship with you, or with anyone.

I'd also like you to consider that he's made a choice about not being in therapy. He has chosen to accept himself, the way he is.

Your quote had a final phrase. I took it away, to make a point. Here's the full quote:
he craves me, but at the same time pushes me away with the talk of other women...so is he just being honest or is he lying to push me away! I am convinced that he has commitment issues...that he will feel trapped and he is definitely not ready for a relationship and is likely to stay single always due to PTSD

It's very, very possible - I'm going to say likely - that it's NOT due to PTSD. He's made life choices, and sure - PTSD might be adding to some underlying dysfunction - but if he does not see it as dysfunctional - is not willing to work on it (which you've been clear, he's not) - then all of this rationalizing you've done is nothing but a very, very complicated way to justify staying enmeshed with him.

Just three more points:
He stayed with his ex for seven years....she had big mental issues as well as problems with her stomach...and they had sex about four times a year because of her issues...he stayed anyway. He stayed monogamous when he was with her for seven years.
Are you taking his word for it, that he was monogamous? You need to seriously consider that he's not telling you the truth. Why would he tell you the truth? It won't get him what he wants.
But I have an idea that if he did go to therapy and could commit to a relationship, he wouldn’t want to be with anybody but me.
You wrote that. Read it over again. Can you see how much your psyche needs this to be true? This is what you're getting out of not walking away: So long as you stay waiting there, you can continue to believe that this man somehow makes you special. That's the part of this that is your dysfunction.

Your next sentence is:
That being said, he knows I don’t want him now...not unless he goes to therapy and can commit.
He knows that you want him, but you want him to change. That's not the same as you not wanting him now.

Try and see the difference, please. I think you've gaslit yourself in this situation.
 
Try this on for size...

It doesn’t matter if you’re that person or not.

Because HE isn’t what YOU want in a partner.

Seriously... getting wrapped up in what he thinks about you is just stroking your own ego. Oooooooh. I’m soooooooo perfect for him. But whether that’s true, or not? He’s not perfect for you. At all. By a long shot. Because you want commitment & he wants to f*ck other women. A lot. He reeeeeally wants to f*ck other women. (So I’d honestly question whether you really are as “the one” as you seem to think you are. I am in no way saying that cocky self confidence ain’t a good thing. But being smart with a high libido might be your most important priorities in a partner -and more power to you, they’re high on my list, also- but matching someone mentally and sexually can actually be low on someone else’s priorities, or even points against. I have friends who LIKE dating/marrying partners they outstrip intellectually (it’s part of how they feel like they can protect & provide for, and what makes them needed &/or valued), or are so madly in love with “the chase” that spending a lifetime having to woo their partner into bed? Suits them right down to the ground. The seduction is better than the sex for them. (Too big a disparity in either direction kills the relationship fairly quickly.)

Adding in all the he cant admit it, it’s ptsd that isn’t letting him see how perfect I am, it’s his history that doesn’t let him see how perfect I am.... is only screwing you over. Salivating over what he thinks about you, instead of shrugging and moving on to someone who doesn’t want to be f*cking other people, and who does want what you want. It’s like falling for a gay guy. The two of you want different things. You can spend years pining over how perfect you’d be together if he weren’t gay, but facts are, he is. You can spend those same years pining over someone who is emotionally unavailable, imagining how perfect you’d be together if they weren’t like that, but facts are, he is. What you want and what he wants are fundamentally opposed. No matter how well you get on, otherwise.

Out of curiosity.... Is going after unavailable guys a pattern in your life? Gay, married, LTR, Boss, emotionally unavailable, commitment-averse, etc.? It’s a self defense mechanism for some, simply seductive for others (all of the thrill, none of the day to day making it work). It can also happen as a one off, but given 2 fairly serious marriages in your history, it makes me wonder if this guy is acting like a woobie / security blanket for you. Someone you can chase, and be thrilled by, get warm fuzzies with, and dream about might bes and maybes... but not have to reeeeeally risk anything. Because he’s not a real contender for marriage, since you two want such different things. Just something to consider.

Raise your standards, woman! :D Doesn’t matter how perfect you are for them, it matters how’s perfect they are for YOU.

Kick I wanna f*ck other women guy to to curb. Date other smart men who are good in bed. Find someone who is right for YOU.
I was married for 13 and 17 years as you very well know....so how can you ask if it is a patterned to go after unavailable guys? I have been married most part of my life...so there has been no time for other men in my life...available or not? My ex sufferer is the first man, apart from my two exhusbands, I have been with since 1986. And I am definitely not stroking my own ego...just stating the facts.
My ex sufferer was very much available to start of with...then he panicked. Had it not been for the fact that I had known him as a friend for 4 years before we became involved I would never have stayed for two years...I stayed because I know he struggles and because he loves me. I stayed because I know he is a good person...4 years of friendship has shown me that.
If he wanted to f*ck women a lot...as you put it...he would have done it a long time ago. It would have been so much easier for him than being with me. But he hasn’t done that....he stayed and put up with my questions and my pushing and it stressed him out time after time. Have I been pissed at him...you bet! And that is why I finally left and he ain’t getting me back....but my love for him just doesn’t die over night...I wish it did.
Thanks for the concern...I know you mean well
 
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I did this.




And this




And this. Even though it was a lie

To push guys away. I am faithful to my core and would never cheat but I'd use it to push guys away. I would use anything to push guys away up to badly hurting them.

That said, if he is pushing you away and not able to give you what you want, intimacy, and you ended it in May and called it quits, why do you care? To me, it doesn't sound like you have called it quits. If he keeps texting you or calling you, block his number. Or tell him to stop calling you. If not, then you haven't called it quits. You want to stay friends but you are wrapped up in this pretty hard. I'd have to agree with @Friday on this one. If you called it quits, none of this would matter. Because you have called it quits.
Thank you so much. You just said it...you said it to push guys away, and I believe he does the same to me, because his actions with his ex and with me, shows that he is faithful to the core and that I would be enough for him...that is why I stayed for so long. And yes...I called it quits and have told him definitively no to getting back over two months now...not unless he goes to therapy and then I am not even sure, I would dare to take him back. Not after all I have learned on this Forum about PTSD. That being said, I can’t just switch off my feelings for him...it is a mix of feelings...desire and friendship....friendships over 6 years. I miss him...he is so good fun, he is caring and warm and I know he is so fed up with his life and that saddens me. I know he wants me, but I also know that I am no good for him as he is no good for me...we tear each other apart...me craving for more..him feeling constantly guilty. Seeing him yesterday was me hoping that we can try to get back to being friends, but he can’t do that.
 
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