No Longer Trusting

[aut555]

Think that this is very helpful post by admin. Thank you for that post.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

thanks admin, being a mental health site, you certainly understand how I felt, if I might suggest, make it know so it can't be missed that the content is indexed by search engines and where it is no

 

[joeylittle]

I'll take that into consideration, thank you @hurtingbadly.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

It was a really bad day yesterday, had to see my therapist (she is seeing me weekly until I get in), then right afterwards had two really bad triggers, one I was caught of guard, walked in it was it was playing, and the other someone tried to show me something they thought would be help because it was from someone who had some recovery, but as soon as I saw the M word and freaked she realized her mistake. Then went to the grocery store and left my purse in the shopping cart out in the parking as I drove off to go home, a store employee noticed it and took inside to the store, so I got it back, but the time I reach home I was a wreck, Had to take a valium to stay safe, then I got my regular check in call from mobile crisis, and took a nap.

I don't know if this can help others, one of the things I have found is to listen to songs about recovery for inspiration, the other is I have been able to write songs about what I feel in my head to other songs melody. I have even penned a couple, it seems to help for a while.

 

[GrayOwl]

Awesome post about music.

I'm sorry about your triggers, but it sounds like you are getting through. One hour or one minute at a time sometimes. I'm working hard to get beyond letting triggers and negatives send me into hibernation too. I have good days and bad. Mostly better days I would say - not good yet - just better than crappy. And that is an improvement.

I use music a lot. I have heard that Elton John's song "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" was about his (or someone close to him) escape from the clutches of horrid drug addiction. Whenever I hear it, it is a reminder to me of where I have been and how far I have come. I get a strong sense of appreciation for life thinking about some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms I have cast aside and how much better today I am at perceiving negatives and sidestepping them quicker.

You know, life really isn't all Mary Poppins and Ozzie and Harriett perfection and happiness. TV and media seem to try to convince us (or at least me anyway) that we're supposed to "have" everything we desire and be happy happy all the time. And that's just never gonna be true. I'm actually learning today to be happy with just some basic necessities, a roof, a cot, a meal. Occasionally some good company or watch a football game, good music, sitting on a bench watching squirrels and birds - even feeding them if I can afford some peanuts...lol. I spent about 5 weeks living in a 7X7 tent in the park this summer cuz I had nowhere else to stay. It was private, nearby I had water, showers, a beach, privacy, great weather, great cookstove fireplace. I haven't been that comfortable or eaten that well in a couple years. I can honestly say it's been fun. I had the house and garage and toys at one time - a lot of work and worry and stress. They're mostly all gone now. Life is simpler. I'm accepting what my life is today. I spend a lot of time doing simple service work today, sometimes just sitting and listening. It's really cool. I do it for me, if you can understand that. People like me better. I like me better. I'm clean shaven, I wear good clothes, if you saw me on the street you might say I am the last person you thought would be homeless. But for now - I can't indulge the thoughts that it's all negatives and that my trauma has to destroy me. I don't see my glass as empty or half full - it's mostly full - maybe I'm nuts to think so - but other peoples' opinions be damned - a simple life and few possessions today are sufficient for me. Like I said, a roof, a cot, a good meal, and some hot water and heat as winter comes on.

I don't know if any of this helps or is even pertinent to you. I really liked what you said about music and that it helps you so much. Same here. Sometimes I can find some good music and everything drifts away for a while. Good thoughts.....

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@GrayOwl actually I sort of been doing the same thing, I look for inspirational things or recovery oriented songs in the music I find. Even in stuff I have written I include the view I am a survivor now no longer a victim. While I am plagued by the flashbacks, being the long in the past makes me a survivor, as I was a victim when it happened.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have made a decision that when I am strong enough I am going to pursue some justice for this at both the local, state and federal levels. The DSS agency that knew about this and choose to ignore it and let it happen would also been receiving federal funds under CAPTA which was enacted in 1974 specifically to protect us from abuse. It was amended in 1978 to include the addition of words that extended CAPTA to cover anyone that a court retained as a juvenile after age 18. This is one area I have some skill with and some friends who are lawyers to help.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Let go of the above over this weekend, it amounts to vengence. I got to take care of me and deal with now.

GOOD NEWS Everyone, I will be admitted to sheppard pratt trauma disorders unit on Friday, I am told to expect to be there more than 3 weeks.

 

[GrayOwl]

No need for vengeance. Do what is right. Right on!
I'm very happy for your good news. Whatever comes, however it goes, I wish you well.
I hope peace of mind and serenity can become part of your daily life.
You'll be in my mind and in my prayers. That is a fact.
Thank you for sharing the good news. Send us a post card if you have time....

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

not sure its going to happen, my therapist spent all day trying to get pre-auth, nothing but phone tag with voicemail at hopkins, I am sick of this.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Just Got back from PRATT yesterday after a 1 month stay.

 

[GrayOwl]

Very Good.
I hope it was a good stay.
Feeling better?