No Memories, Just Ptsd Symptoms All My Life

[victoria]

Hi Purple Butterfly,
Your statement that now you have the space to start dealing with the trauma has struck a cord with me. My PTSD came to light after I was in a stable relationship, and we were settled into our home. I believe it is because I finally feel more safe, and able to let some things come to the surface. It was as if I was on auto pilot for most of my life.

My psychiatrist has recommended that I not dwell on past issues, I did go for counselling, but now I've been advised to just get on with my life. I do have other dx, so that may be why they have that opinion. I wonder exactly as you, do we ever get to the bottom of it. At the moment I don't think it's a possibility for me, but as I mentioned, I have other issues as well. I think with your weekly sessions you will continually improve.

Nice to get to know you, it is scary to open up, isn't it. Many things have been hidden for so long, I dare not speak of them.

 

[purple butterfly]

Thanks Victoria for your support.

What you say about being on auto pilot is so true. I sometimes wonder if I actually know what normal is. What I thought was a normal loving relationship with my father wasn't, I am learning that he is a selfish egocentric man who wanted to take control especially of his wife and daughter. I thought I knew how a loving father acted.

My realationship with my husband was full of him drinking, being irresponsible with money (for alcohol and cigarettes) regardless) of what his family needed, angry outbursts, the list goes on and on. I stayed with him because I was scared of what he would do if I left. I don't know what a healthy relationship with a husband is either. now that he has died I am safe to deal with the trauma both him and my father have inflicted

 

[BloomInWinter]

Welcome, (((((((Artsy))))))) (((((((Victoria)))))))) (((((((((PurpleButterfly)))))))))))

I had traumatic amnesia for most of my life. It was kinda 'there' but 'not there'...

As my children are hitting the ages of my trauma, the comparison of their experience to my own is so different it's crashing through my denial.

Memories begin coming through as we are able to deal with them, I think. I didn't believe that before but now, based on my last 11 months....seems the way it is with me, anyway.

As I open up my life, begin pushing myself to experience those people, places, things I avoid...and learn to listen inward...the memories are coming through.

If I could go back and pick which thing to learn FIRST in dealing with my PTSD, it would be grounding. Really, the ability to deal with all else for me depends upon this skill. Thankfully, it *is* a skill, and anyone can learn it.

Even a terribly slow learner like me. :>

 

[purple butterfly]

I agree with you that the memories come through when we can deal with them. I am trying to be grounded and mindul but still learning how.
It is a very lonely process I wonder if others are finding that you feel very alone and only a few special people try to support and understand

 

[BloomInWinter]

It is lonely at first...maybe for quite a while.

I know that my fears kept me from putting effort into my supportive relationships. Isolation is a double-edged sword. It keeps us safe, but it keeps us from receiving support and help from safe people who would otherwise give it.

I began to reach out to people who used to invite me places but had given up on me...or so I thought. Once I started identifying people who were safe and non-judgmental, it got easier to be 'me'...the real 'me'.

Building/sustaining healthy relationships with healthy people *is* a skill...one I didn't have. I'm learning, and my efforts are being rewarded very well in a relatively short few months. My 'safe circle' is already SO much greater.

It began by returning phone calls, inviting people over, going places...little things. But by being there.

There are safe, good people out there for you. Hope you find some. :>

 

[Iam]

It is a very lonely process I wonder if others are finding that you feel very alone and only a few special people try to support and understand

It can be lonely purple butterfly, especially when we isolate ourselves. I have found that there are people who are very supportive, but it doesn't always mean that they understand. Sometimes I find that very hard because it feels like they are invalidating what I am going thru. They aren't, it just feels that way and feelings are not always fact. Actually I find that with my PTSD my feelings are frequently wrong or unnecessarily intensified.

The support here, from people that truly understand, should help alleviate your feelings of being alone. In time you will feel able to form trusting relationships with people around you.

(((HUGS))) Butterfly, you are not alone, we're here with you.

 

[purple butterfly]

Thank you for all the supportive comments. This is the first time I have felt brave enough to say anything. It has been so good to find a space and people who do understand, even though I wish none of us were here. I sometimes wonder if I am making this journey up it seems so surreal!

 

[AngelaMarie]

This is the first time I have felt brave enough to say anything.

It's nice that you are being brave. Give yourself a pat on the back for that!!:)

 

[purple butterfly]

Thank you Angela Marie I hope you are feeling supported also, this is a very rough journey we travel.

 

[artsy152]

Hi Iam, purple butterfly, BloomInWinter and everyone. I was away on vacation for a while, but am having a particularly bad day today, so checked this forum. I so so appreciate all of the comments, I can't tell you how good it feels to know I am not alone - because for most of my life that is how I have felt. I can relate to pretty much every comment here. I also have friends and a husband who I feel really safe with, but ultimately they do not understand (lucky them, I guess) what life feels like for someone with acute ptsd, brought on by what I can only guess was early childhood sexual abuse. Just in the past year have I begun to realize that there was a reason I intensely disliked my uncle. My mother left me (age 3) and two younger sisters with her parents (and younger brother - the uncle) while she took my brother to CA for 2 weeks! My mother is a narcissistic personality - probably a way she has coped with what I suspect now was very similar experiences in childhood, that she has completely blocked. One way I began to "feel" my experiences was when I started weight training with a physical therapist. One day I was holding a plank position and it was getting difficult and stressful, and I had a break of some sort and "saw" or experienced a bit of a flashback. It totally freaked me out. Has anyone else had this experience? Physical training often puts me in what I call "baby" positions and calls for a lot of balance - stretching leg over your head, stuff like that - and it completely unnerves me, at times.

The worst thing for me right now is that my "cup" of stress gets full so quickly and I cannot always predict when I will feel overwhelmed. Today I had 2 things on my calendar - and that did it!! I just wanted a day of nothing. But the anger and apprehension and anxiety was so strong, all because of 2 commitments, both of which are for things I enjoy!
Anyway, thanks to all who took the time to respond, so great to have found this group and really encouraging to hear from those who see light at the end of the tunnel....

 

[purple butterfly]

It has been helpful to reread these comments. I feel so alone, my family and friends get some stuff but not the truth. How do you explain to innocent people the depth of your pain, particularly when it is subtle?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Hello. I am a 50 year mom of 3 children, happily married (a miracle, really). I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, have PTSD and probably have all of my life... struggle because I have no memories of what I am piecing together was likely very early (infancy) sexual abuse. Anyone else have this experience?

Artsy, boy can I relate to you. When I first was diagnosed in 1988 with complex, long-standing PTSD and I had no memories of the abuse. I was 35 years old. It wasn't until recently that I've actually had memories of abuse which took place when I was three months old. For several years I had a gut feeling about the age which it started but no memory. My father was my main perpetrator along with his boyfriend.

I'll be 58 years old this year and I'm still remembering what happened to me. Ugh! I thought I'd be over this.