No More " I Love You" 's?

[anthony]

I actually tend to use that myself a lot with Nicolette when she tells me she loves me... I love her, but it does take me a bit more to say it sometimes on the spot, so I often say Ditto... though over the years I have come a long way with telling her the same. I get it... I really do, and I can understand both sides of this particular situation. End result, you both must feel loved by the other, otherwise the relationship breaks down and its all over.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, and think it's important for her to keep acknowledging that she loves you, not just for your sake Angus but for hers while she is numb.

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, all. For us, I think it's best not to push this issue. Insisting on things has never been a good idea with her. I was just wondering how normal it was not to hear it from a sufferer.

Got another question. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary. She told me she does not want to celebrate it. No gifts, no messages on Facebook, nothing.

Is that normal for a sufferer? No gifts?

She was that way for Mother's Day, Christmas, her birthday, everything.

 

[anthony]

Sufferers find it hard to celebrate things due to the level of trauma they have endured, how depressed they may be...

It could also be a lose lose situation, ie. don't do it, but then if you don't, why didn't you. I guess all you can do is respect her wishes, and if it becomes lose lose, know for next time.

 

[anthony]

End of the day... your wife really needs a kick in the bum to start helping herself, because if she doesn't, she will self destruct / implode. Its not if, its when.

 

[Angus McGee]

All a kick in the bum is going to do is give her a sore bum and me a smelly foot.

The harder I push her to do something, the more she resists. She promised me she would start therapy as soon as she is settled in her new place. The thing with that is, how long will it take her to "settle in"? a week? A month? I asked her that, and she told me she doesn't know.

I just get to wait. She has told me as much.

 

[Nicolette]

End result, you both must feel loved by the other, otherwise the relationship breaks down and its all over.

This is extremely important in my honest opinion.

I just get to wait. She has told me as much.

Well, that might suit her but I'm sorry Angus but I think it's time you step up a bit rather that just accept all your wife's decisions. From what I read, she calls the shots, you react accordingly yet you are miserable. The shots she calls are selfish (common for PTSD and a must to some extent) however I haven't read anything which demonstrates any boundaries.

I see you have read the thread Waiting yet you hand all the decisions over to her. That's fine but that's not love, that's someone else controlling your life IMHO.

 

[Abrasky]

I don't think PTSD makes a good excuse for neglecting someone.I also don't think the shoe doesn't work for everyone for every trigger, it can take a lot to overcome PTSD learning in the brain for someone and that much energy can wear me out in a day. Where as for another trigger, one can overcome it easily. It just depends on how scared of the trigger she is.

I just spent an hour hugging my son who was asleep, because although I pretended to be their for him all day, my heart was off in a distant land of my mother telling me I was responsible for self destruction in the family and then doing her abandonment and I don't love you anymore to get you to do what I want routine. I nearly made someone melt at a shop who told me my son's pram wouldn't fit in the shop when it clearly did. I felt like she didn't want bub damaging her stuff. I didn't want to be close to anyone today, just wanted to try to stop the steam coming off.. And then I feel like I love bub again and I can be emotionally available, not just pretending to be when I remember the pain of my mother's insincere love after the trauma. I feel like love is ripped from my arms when I can't love or be close to anyone. I wont' talk to my mother again for this insincere love trip straight after I was attacked by the person who gave me PTSD. It's not all a bed of roses on the side of not loving either. I sometimes treat my husband like he is a sacrifise, that there is only one person I can love in the world( my mum chose someone to always miss out on the love) I can't help it, and pretend not for it to be like this. but it is (yes I am guilty). But I did know love that was sincere once, and it was from friends when I was 19, and I am trying all I can get back to that. I am slowly getting there, able to love again, more and more. I don't think my PTSD is PTSD sometimes, I think it's a broken heart.

You can heal a broken heart but it takes time and patience, and a professional.

 

[Angus McGee]

Well, that might suit her but I'm sorry Angus but I think it's time you step up a bit rather that just accept all your wife's decisions. From what I read, she calls the shots, you react accordingly yet you are miserable. The shots she calls are selfish (common for PTSD and a must to some extent) however I haven't read anything which demonstrates any boundaries.

I see you have read the thread Waiting yet you hand all the decisions over to her. That's fine but that's not love, that's someone else controlling your life IMHO.

With all due respect, you know nothing about my wife. I am doing what I believe will work for us, and show her I love her. Setting up boundaries, and telling her what she can and cannot do will have the opposite effect.

Yes, I am going to let her make her own decisions. There have been things that I've told her I want to see happen, and she has done those things. I just don't talk about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I can honestly say I don't know the 'answer', either, it takes vision and ingenuity and much heart and compassion to be able to 'feel' when to push and when to back away. I think the answer lays within one's heart of hearts.
Perhaps within the 'timing' also, the dynamics of one's relationship, and the current state of mind of the sufferer?

And always what is acceptable for the carer, that they feel is the best thing to do or say, for themself and their SO.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Angus. After undergoing therapy, only 3 sessions left. I feel as if I am coming out of a very long dark tunnel.

My H and I have been married and would frequently tell one another I love you and hug. Over the past few days, I've started to notice how much he is holding me and saying I love you with so much sincerity in his voice. I don't think he ever stopped telling me, whilst I was deep in symptoms, but I have no recollection. This means I may have seemed cold and unloving to him.

It isn't I stopped loving him, just that I was incapable of feeling or expressing love and even noticing he continued to love me. I was so into the PTSD hole nothing could get through it, I was worthless, unlovable.

What I am trying to say in a rambling inarticulate way is that there is always hope and with a good therapist and your support she may be able to return to you.

I hope so, you sound an amazing man, and with an amazing man myself I know I couldn't have done it without him.

I hope this makes sense

((HUGS))
KP

 

[Angus McGee]

That's awesome, KP. I hope my wife and I have the same outcome you and your husband have.

Just out of curiosity, what kind of therapy did you use?