No One To Trust

[Punky143]

This may make some irritated, especially if you're a guy but it's how I'm feeling right now. I've had a series of events in the last year and a half that time and time again the people who I've held dear to my heart have shown that their not as loyal or committed as I thought. Trust and abandonment are two huge concepts I've struggled with seemingly my entire life. This week, something has come out that concerns my child and has shattered the last tiny sense of trust I had and ruined the huge effort on my end to give someone a 2nd chance although everything and everyone inside me was telling me not to. Now, everything, gone. I especially hate men, all of them. They gross me out, especially if they look towards my or my child's direction. So I will stop here because I'm told I've already said too much. I'm paranoid. The world is not a safe place for anyone, especially kids and it breaks my heart.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

:hug:

 

[trying2movefwd]

I very much so feel the same way.

 

[miiiiikey]

This may make some irritated, especially if you're a guy but it's how I'm feeling right now. I've had...

Are you talking about your inner child or your actually child either way it doesn't matter because

This may make some irritated, especially if you're a guy but it's how I'm feeling right now. I've had...

Yeah I used to hate myself for my thinking then I just accepted that I think crazy and then it was easier for me to deal with my crazy thinking that's always why I hate because I hate inward

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmm, interesting. I have a hard time with women. My mother (adopted) said in counseling when I was a teenager that their thoughts were that I didn't (don't) trust women because social workers (women) used to come to the door to take me away to a new 'home'. I know I am painting them all with the same brush, especially those who are older than me and that it is a distortion. It is far down on my list of things to figure out.

 

[Seasounds]

@Punky143, I m very sorry for your loss. For me, it has been very sad when I trusted someone, and they let me down. By all means take actions that help you feel safe.

You mentioned something that has been a hallmark in my recovery.

to give someone a 2nd chance although everything and everyone inside me was telling me not to.

Listening to this inner, intuitive voice, (that puts together our past experiences with our current intelligence) has really been helpful. Sometimes, that inner wisdom is hard to follow-especially when my heart wants to do the opposite action.

A second thought of yours, rings true to me.

to give someone a 2nd chance

I've learned that trusting for a second time, when 'matters of the heart' (I.e. best friendship, sexual partnerships, and even therapeutic relationships) are involved, I have always found the hurtful pattern repeated, an so the relationships have rarely worked out. It is like the negative pattern has already been set in motion (that usually repeats a past trauma for both of us) and as 'matters of the heart' relate to my sense of hope, my self-esteem, and recovery, I do best to walk away from harm.

It is easier said than done. And it is not as black and white rule, as people can change. I'm currently working through a hurtful pattern involving my therapist.

To help turn my despair around, I look at the painful experiences as learning 'emotional intelligence', that my childhood could not teach me. Most of the time, by following my intuitive voice and following that piece of emotional intelligence, I fare better in finding people who treat me (including my heart and wounded child) respectfully. Additionally, I keep my eye on if they are 'demonstrating' changed behaviors, in their daily life (i.e. communicating better, going to therapy, not blaming others,etc.)

Another piece of wisdom a teacher gave me, that helped, was "In the future, don't give all of yourself away; keep some parts of your heart for yourself."

Hope arose again for me. I give you support for your journey. :hug:

@shimmerz, as I have a trust issues with men and women, my deeper trust issue has been with women, as well. In your situation, having social workers and a new mom to deal with, must've been emotionally confusing. In my situation, my mother wasn't capable of giving a really trustworthy relationship; to make matters worse, she was compicite in the abuse. I am happy to know someone who has worked through trusting women, even if our backgrounds are different.:hug:

 

[Friday]

Do you trust yourself?

 

[Punky143]

I find anytime outside of my house, around people I'm paranoid. I was referring to my actual child in my original post. I am certain that people, especially men are out to hurt me and my child so I am extra cautious how far she is from me, who's around us and the potential danger. If she isn't with me, I've carefully selected who's she's with and can't wait until I have her back. I'm dreading sending her back to school. With everything going on with her, it has magnified my trauma hx more than I thought possible. I'm trying with everything I can to be there for my child but in the meantime our bills are falling behind, my husband who knows nothing about my DID because I was planning on telling him soon but then the other situation happened. He is frustrated with me because I have no interest being affectionate which is true. He doesn't understand abuse and the complexity of it....