Normal Forgetting Or Dissociative Amnesia?

[GwenDR]

I know that if someone asks me to do something, and I don't get up to do it right away, I WILL forget to do it. If I think "let me finish this thing first" it will have left my mind entirely in less than a minute. Even leaving to go do it, if I, say, grab a bowl to put in the dishwasher on the way to do it, I'll probably forget to do it. This is almost 100% of the time. I don't know if I'd do that for something as major as a potentially missing or endangered family member. But I'm pretty sure I could get sidetracked and easily not think about it at all for lengths of time.

 

[Hope4Now]

I have a terrible memory. Some of the terribleness is just "normal" forgetfulness, or forgetfulness that comes from living in a constant state of overwhelm. But I also have forgetfulness that is dissociative (I have been diagnosed with DID).

I was really glad to read this from you:

But once I remember, it's like I always knew - it isn't a surprise or something that I can't assimilate into my story. So, I always thought that maybe I just had a bad memory, or this was how everyone worked.

This happens to me frequently. It leaves me feeling a little crazy because once I have remembered, the fact that I didn't remember seems bizarre and unreal. Sometimes this happens because some one of my parts has been functioning but then something (like the receipts) zooms the one who experienced whatever it was out to the front and the memory fits. But sometimes it is just regular forgetting--for instance, where I parked my car, or how to do something on the computer.

If you are trying to convince yourself and your therapist that you are not DID, I can understand why you're closely examining your memory issues. The kinds of memories (or lack) that you describe could be just regular old spacey forgetfulness, or something else. Like forgetting you had a car for days might be perfectly understandable if you don't drive it regularly. But forgetting you have a car and then taking a cab or other transport to get where you need to go...well, that is not just regular forgetfulness.

Others have answered well your question about memory, I think. As you consider your possible DID, you might consider too whether you have gaps in memory that aren't filled in. I never thought I had this until I started thinking about my childhood when I started therapy a few years ago. (I went because someone suggested that my chronic pain might be related to psychological trauma). I thought I remembered my childhood...and I do have a lot of memories...but when I went back and tried reviewing a year-by-year thing, I found huge gaping holes in time. And most of the memories I do have feel like they belong to someone else.

 

[Llith]

I don't think I have DID, but I definitely forget things all the time. I often end up doing the same action multiple times because I don't remember doing it at all, my boyfriend is just used to it now. I think the PTSD messes with you short term memory as well as long term when it relates to trauma. I barely remember any of my childhood, its all one long blur until I was 18 and got the f*ck out of that house. And I can barely remember what I did and I often end up writing down conversations as people speak or I will not remember what was said.

I for sure can't say what is normal and what isn't but things like forgetting you have a car sounds perfectly possible to me. Other things like loosing large parts of your day, maybe not so much. I don't really know!

 

[GwenDR]

@Hope4Now What counts as a huge gap in memory for childhood? I feel like I remember my life, and I can tell you certain things that happened, and roughly when they happened, but if I went year by year, I could tell you a tiny handful of one off events per year, and a general idea of what was happening that year, mostly a matter of what grade I was in, and a few memories of class. Several memories have no time attached to them at all. Like, if I think of being at my grandmothers place growing up, I'll remember a few moments, but no clue when any of those moments were in a likely 15 year gap.

Just as an example, random year. 4th grade I did a book parade for some hardy boys book, collected dead insects and disected a pig in science, and um, that's it for fourth grade. A few scattered memories, like each classroom, and one of the teachers (nothing for my other two teachers), but that's it for 4th grade. I'm almost 37 now, and assumed that was normal for childhood memories.

Granted, my adult memories aren't much better, especially if it was an uneventful year. 2005 was very eventful because I joined the navy that year and moved around a lot, so I can give you an almost complete narrative from January until December. That's not true of very many periods in my life. Several years in my twenties and on into my thirties have as few memories as that fourth grade example.

But what's normal?

 

[Hope4Now]

@GwenDR I wish I could tell you "normal," but because of my issues, I can only make a guess. I live with my husband who seems to remember everything from childhood and adolescence--but I think he is on the unusual side as far as memory capacity. In my experience, huge gaps are similar to what you're describing. I have a tendency to structure my memories around school, because I liked school generally--at least better than home. I have pretty spotty memories of school--mostly a teacher here or there, or some event that happened. I have I have no memory at all of 3rd grade or 5th grade and only a few of 7th and 8th. There are many more memories of high school but its pretty fuzzy. College is a bit of a blur mostly, except that I know I did certain things (like play rugby), though the things don't connect to me. Some of this may be due to regular old dissociation--as in I was spaced out and on autopilot for much of my life. But some may be because I had parts doing the work. Some of my parts are similar enough to my main part that anyone noticing might just think I was distracted or tired, or in an odd mood. This seems to account for the fact that when I was working, I'd often come in ready to tackle a project and then find that it was already mostly done (Yay!). It all remains very hard for me to understand and explain to myself. I sort of accept the DID diagnosis as it makes sense as an explanation for my issues. On the other hand, I resist it because it freaks me out that I have these parts that operate independently. What happened to me in my life is that somehow I lived most of my life through just a few parts (I am 53 now). Then around 4 years ago, a big crash happened. Something broke down a lot of dissociative walls, and I have been working at picking up the pieces ever since.

My humble suggestion to you is to see if you can stop worrying and fighting and analyzing it all so much, and just go with the therapy. Fundamentally, the therapy for DID and other stress disorders with dissociation are pretty similar. For me, the diagnosis was a bit of a relief because it explained a lot about my experience. But I also know that for a lot of people it is a very scary diagnosis. The real thing to remember is that dissociation falls on a spectrum from completely normal to profoundly life-interfering. What its called doesn't really change much. The goal is to learn to bring one's dissociative tendencies back down to the "normal" end of the spectrum.

I'm happy to chat more about this if you'd like. When I first started on this board, people were so very helpful to me, and I would like to do that for others!

 

[Sandstone]

Are we meant to remember things from primary school? I can recall the geography of the building, but now, aged 53 or so I couldn't tell you the names of more than two teachers from those seven years. I should think I have fewer than ten clear memories of what I did there, and three of them are physical injuries that didn't get treated. I always thought that was normal. This might mean I've been answering questions about gaps in my memory wrongly.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've written responses and then deleted them about twelve times.

Maybe the bigger issue is that I have DID and I don't want t have DID; that I can't believe I have DID, that I can't fathom possibly how my abuse was bad enough to cause this.

Maybe the issue isn't memory, and what is and isn't normal and what that does or doesn't mean, but rather the fact that I'm grasping at metaphorical straws to not believe I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

 

[Sandstone]

Is this normal? Or is this just my mind being dissociative? I'm asking because I really have no idea how other people's brains work and I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

With you, completely. Like you I'm sure there isn't enough to account for DDNOS. Like you, I don't know what goes on inside other people's heads, so can't measure if I am different.

Some of the time I know it fits, some of the time I'm sure it is impossible. Often, those times overlap and there is a fight going on inside my head. I'm aiming for acceptance, and for me that currently means acceptance that I believe both things. I can't make myself come down irrevocably on one side or the other.

There must also be a way to accept that we will never know how similar or different our mental structures are, when held against that mythical "normal". I can only go on the judgement of people I believe to be good therapists, who have peered into the minds of many people, and who universally tell me that my mind is different. I didn't know that. I'd rather still not know that. Yet I have to accept it, somehow.

 

[GwenDR]

With you, completely. Like you I'm sure there isn't enough to account for DDNOS. Like you, I don't know what goes on inside other people's heads, so can't measure if I am different.

And there's a huge and incredible variety in how minds work. Not only do we not know what's going on in other peoples minds, but the answer would be very different for every person in a crowd. Most of that huge range is completely fine, even when it might be amusingly frustrating at times because you can't find the keys you're holding. Personally, I'm very absent minded, remember a smaller percentage of both my life, and even have a poor short term memory, and do the keys thing all the time. None of that is pathological, even though it is dissociation. Dissociation is normal and healthy, it's generally when it reaches the point where it causes significant distress or impairment to functionality that it's something that would need to be diagnosed. You might meet that standard, but it'd be up to an appropriate medical authority to determine that.