Having a memory and then forgetting that memory?

[hyperanxiety]

I don't know if my similar experiences of not remembering and again at intervals remembering a traumatic incident would be considered dissociation or not. As I wrote many grievances to different people above me who also affected my life in reality as well as mentally and emotionally, I reread copies I kept for my own records. Many times I totally forgot they happened. And even more alarmingly the sordid details cause me to question why my PTSD symptoms appear to be less intense (until I read my recorded statements again). It is almost as if the traumas I didn't write down somewhere, including my journal from about 12 years ago, never happened. But I know they did.

As I started to write an autobiography, the further I went back and then forward, more and more traumas from childhood and on came presented themselves in my mind. This caused me to have all the symptoms I experience when I am triggered or even triggered by other things. I stopped writing my book because I couldn't handle my depression, anxiety, and vegetative state these memories caused me. Every time I wrote a page or two, I couldn't function, sometimes for days. Also I was expressing my anger in my writing. I believe that is what finally put a halt to my book writing. I wanted to write something from a more objective perspective, if that is possible with PTSD.

I don't know if this sort of writing from childhood to now would be helpful just for my therapist and I to sort out. I am kinda new to trauma therapy even though I am a senior citizen.

I hope this somehow relates to the discussion in this thread. I guess I have more questions than effective help for you.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know if my similar experiences of not remembering and again at intervals remembering a traumatic incident would be considered dissociation or not. As I wrote many grievances to different people above me who also affected my life in reality as well as mentally and emotionally, I reread copies I kept for my own records. Many times I totally forgot they happened. And even more alarmingly the sordid details cause me to question why my PTSD symptoms appear to be less intense (until I read my recorded statements again). It is almost as if the traumas I didn't write down somewhere, including my journal from about 12 years ago, never happened. But I know they did.

As I started to write an autobiography, the further I went back and then forward, more and more traumas from childhood and on came presented themselves in my mind. This caused me to have all the symptoms I experience when I am triggered or even triggered by other things. I stopped writing my book because I couldn't handle my depression, anxiety, and vegetative state these memories caused me. Every time I wrote a page or two, I couldn't function, sometimes for days. Also I was expressing my anger in my writing. I believe that is what finally put a halt to my book writing. I wanted to write something from a more objective perspective, if that is possible with PTSD.

I don't know if this sort of writing from childhood to now would be helpful just for my therapist and I to sort out. I am kinda new to trauma therapy even though I am a senior citizen.

I hope this somehow relates to the discussion in this thread. I guess I have more questions than effective help for you.

Hi Hyperanxiety, this does relate. And I get it. I'm no expert but I would say that feels like disassociation to me. And maybe writing about it is a way of you feeling those feelings you didn't allow at the time, which makes it overwhelming now.
The brain is a strange and irritating thing! I get it was helping us through trauma when it happened, but it's hard battling through it now.
I hope you find answers you need.
I *think* I'm accepting that I just need to accept and that answers come in acceptance rather than full and total knowledge of what happened. I think. I may disagree with myself in about 5 minutes time!