Nortriptyline and apathy

[Iyllsa]

Last week on Friday I started a new pill called Nortriptyline. Not for my depression but for my constant headaches and body pains.

I've noticed many things. In the first two days I noticed my appetite was crazy and I was super drowsy.

After those initial two days my appetite went back to normal, basically non-existent. I noticed that after taking the pill about an hour or so later I will feel tired. I am liking how this pill is acting like a sleeping pill in some ways. I have issues with insomnia and/or waking up to a panic attack, but these pills keep me asleep for about 9-10 hours. Though if it hasn't been 10 hours and I wake up somehow, I quickly fall back asleep and can't feel the energy to get up. So far I've only had one morning where I woke up before the 10 hour mark which was this morning.

For the last few days I am noticing what I think is apathy or lessened emotions. It's like my body wants to feel sad or happy, but it won't. It's a bit frustrating. I feel like I don't care, but it's different from the depressive way of "not caring," if that makes sense. The world and myself seem so dull and boring. Feeling this I can see why some may commit suicide. I am not saying I would, but I want to feel something and similar to when I do feel "apathy from depression" if this lasts long and I can't find something to make me feel something, then why should I stick around? I don't say that out of sadness, usually I do. I just mean it in a genuine way. Logically, if this is not of interest then why should I force myself to go through it?

I feel empty. I also noticed my thinking patterns are different. Typically I'm constantly thinking and my thoughts can wander. Sometimes my thinking can become overwhelming and it leads to obsessions and anxiety, paranoia, etc. But now it feels like my thoughts don't go anywhere. They are faded/fuzzy to begin with and quickly disappear, leaving my mind blank and empty. Then I'm just a shell sitting there staring blankly. I feel like an object almost.

It kind of reminds me of how I can feel when dissociated, in the sense of lack of emotions, but I don't think I am dissociated. It doesn't feel like that.

The main reason why I'm typing on here is because about an hour ago I noticed I started questioning why I do my job/hobby. My job is something I know I enjoy a lot. Something I absolutely loved and obsessed over all my life even during my depression in the past and now. I didn't understand why I was interested and at the moment I have no interest so I wonder why I'm even doing it.

At first I think I felt worried, but it quickly got "silenced" and it turned into confusion. This is when my thoughts got discontinued. I felt confused as to why I was bothered by it and then it quickly led to me not caring to figure out why, to bother trying to figure out the thought, or to even continue thinking. Why does it matter to me?

I am not sure if this is solely my depression, the side effects of the drugs, or both. I know typically it take longer for pills to affect someone so I am unsure. I don't know what to think. I want to stop them, but I know I should consult my doctor before I do. I think I am worried that this will continue for too long and I'll get lost in it, losing sense of who I was before. I can't really remember what I was like before. I feel so dulled down.. I was going to write something else but I forgot it already.

I guess in a way I am also at a crossroad. Although I don't enjoy this, maybe it's best I stay on it. It keeps me silent, I guess. Technically I don't feel depressed.. or well, I can't feel it. My body can only feel emotions to an extent and it's a very very low level. It feels non existent really. Maybe it's for the better my brain and everything becomes hushed and I should just let "myself" slip into it. I don't know. I don't really care either. I'm starting to wonder why I should even fight it.

 

[FauxLiz]

A few months ago I was put on Nortripyline for my headaches as well. I had serious side effects in the first two weeks but the resident that was playing doctor said that he didn't consider it to be a failed drug trial until the patient had been on the med for 6 weeks. By that point I basically told him I was going off the med. I was having problems swallowing, problems urinating and was throwing up everything I ate. I wish you luck with this medicine and your headache issues I have been dealing with mine for over 30 years and still have not had any lasting answers.

 

[anonymous]

I also took nortriptiline (Pamelor) for headaches. The prescribing doctor also realized that I had an anxiety issue and thought it could help with this as well. Apathetic was an understatement for the way that I felt! It did control the headaches better than most previously prescribed medications, and the anxiety was gone, but the drowsiness and apathy were more than I could handle. I gave it a good two to three weeks before I decided that I could no longer tolerate the drug. An out-of-town colleague called and even noticed over the phone that I was apathetic (polar opposite of my normal personality). I decided it was time to quit. I was on a very very low dose. My doctor even decided to prescribe it in the liquid form so that I could go lower than the lowest pill dose. It didn't seem to matter. I still have some of it, and on occasion will take it if I cannot sleep. It leaves me groggy for a couple of days.

 

[Iyllsa]

I am really feeling like I want to stop it or find some drug that can help counteract these side effects, but I doubt it. I don't feel like myself. I already see about 60%-70% of things in an objective point of view and sometimes I can have a bit of control over that by taking my emotions out of it. I can logically see certain situations and not hesitate with the "logical answer" even when typically people would find it immoral or harsh. I don't feel bad about it.

But with this pill, everything becomes objective whether if I want to or not. It's like my world is black and white. I can't enjoy the most simple things such as my music, a book, funny videos, or spending time with my friend. It's frustrating, yet I can't even feel frustrated. Sometimes I'd smile or laugh, but it felt more like a reaction that sometimes I couldn't control and there was no emotion behind it. It almost would feel like how someone would force themselves to laugh and sound amused, but they're clearly not.

I noticed the same thing about my anxiety. What would happen, or what feels like, is that sometimes I'll feel just the slightest.. slightest hint of an emotion/feeling. I'll get a hint of the anxiety, but it gets shut down or "taken back" and disappears just as quickly. It felt weird.

When I spent time with my friend, typically I'd really enjoy my time or I'd feel sad if I think I upset her, but this time I felt nothing. I didn't feel joy or entertainment, sadness or guilt. Nothing. When I left, I felt nothing. I couldn't care when typically when I leave I'd feel a bit of sadness but also a nice feeling.. don't know how to explain. But it felt good to spend time with a friend that I could be intimate with. Like I could take a breath and continue walking with my head up, even if it was in a direction away from my friend because I knew I'd see her again. This time there was no emotion, no hint of wanting to spend more time or feeling content. I think my friend noticed this too. Typically when we part ways we hug or we at least make slight eye contact as we part ways, but this time she just looked away and said, "goodbye," as if she was talking to a stranger. I know I would have felt hurt in that moment, but I couldn't. I don't blame her as I feel I am a stranger. She wasn't upset or anything, she understands I can't control it.

I noticed though that before I left I went to the restroom and I brought my bag along when I didn't need it. I felt a bit frustrated about how I couldn't feel the pains of sadness or anger or the lightness of happiness from the time spent with my friend. I remember thinking, "I want to feel something. What's one way I could do that. If only I had something sharp." I remembered I had an x-acto knife and I brought my bag to look for it. This thought wasn't brought on by sadness, it felt. It felt more like I was bored, the world was boring, I couldn't care less, so why not see if this will do anything?

I couldn't find it, but I didn't feel upset about it. Just an, "oh well," and I moved on. I didn't feel the drive to continue looking after roughly 10 seconds.

Once I got that thought along with a few others like, "If this is what life is like. What the world is like.. boring, mundane, same repetition, and nothing changes. What's the point of sticking around. I don't care enough to try and I don't care for tomorrow or for my job. I don't see the point of sticking around in a place that's so boring where I can't find any sort of stimulus from."

Typically when I think about wanting to die it's out of sadness. I've felt "empty" when I'm depressed and I've felt that "I couldn't care" when I was depressed, but this is a different feeling. Even though I'd feel "empty" and/or "not caring," I still had the base feeling of sadness, shame, or guilt. But in this scenario, there's nothing. I clearly understand what it means to die, but I also understand that as long as I stay on this pill my world will continue to be bland. So the only solution would be to stop and/or talk to a doctor about other meds. It's not out of concern for my friend who I know would be affected. It's that, "it's the right thing to do." To stay alive for others. I guess.

This thoughts adds on where I remember I told one of my friends that, "I'm not suicidal. It's not that at all. I understand what death is and how it may affect people and I'm not going to go blow my brains out, but it feels like if I were to be involved in some freak accident or maybe just a car accident.. I don't think I'd put much effort. I might if natural instincts kick in, but if the pills somehow override that, I think I'd be too passive. I simply wouldn't care."

I don't look forward to the future, or dread it. I don't think about anything really in the sense of my future, other people, relations, the weather, etc. Anything that may count as stimulus or would conjure a reaction. It feels like the pills are plugs, blocking out all stimulus, I'm wearing goggles that make me see everything in black and white, and my head is stuck in a cone where all I can focus on is the present. Sometimes leading to me getting distracted easily and forgetting what I was just doing, but I've kind of always been like that.

 

[Sunny333daze]

i was on nortriptyline for migraines, it really didnt work that well and weening off was rough! very bad panic attacks and depression. make sure you take it slow coming off them