Hello. My name is Tori, and I was abused as a child for many years. For a very long time, I didn't want to face the trauma I'd been through, or even seriously think about it - it had happened, it was in the past, and it didn't have anything to do with me anymore because I was a strong person, and only people who are weak get hurt by things like that.
Going through college and being apart from my family allowed me to mature, though, and seeing more closely the way that other people interacted with one another, I was forced to consider, for the first time, that there might be something wrong with me. I was forced to realise that not only was I sarcastic and anti-social - traits that, paradoxically, have gained me many 'friends' - but that when faced with the prospect of a real relationship with another person, I wasn't happy or even interested.
I was scared. I was scared and anxious, which made me defencive, which would cause me to lash out angrily at my significant other or ignore them completely. A week after our relationship ended with her crying and me being unconcerned and, in fact, relieved, my friend and I sat down together. For the first time someone looked at me and said 'You need some help.' I had to agree.
Since that day I've done a lot of research, and I've thought a lot about past events I never imagined I would devote my time to again. I've also had a lot of my own personal mysteries solved along the way - strange and frightening episodes I've had since a child and that have persisted to this very day, for instance, were actually periods of dissociation. It was surprising what a relief it was to discover I wasn't the only one in the world who had ever been through these experiences. I still can't stand to have people touch me in a non-violent manner, the thought of being emotionally or physically intimate with another person still disgusts me, and there is still a lot about my childhood I can't remember...
But tomorrow I'm contacting counsellors in my area. Tonight I've joined this forum, and I've written this message. I think there might be a chance for me to get better after all.
Going through college and being apart from my family allowed me to mature, though, and seeing more closely the way that other people interacted with one another, I was forced to consider, for the first time, that there might be something wrong with me. I was forced to realise that not only was I sarcastic and anti-social - traits that, paradoxically, have gained me many 'friends' - but that when faced with the prospect of a real relationship with another person, I wasn't happy or even interested.
I was scared. I was scared and anxious, which made me defencive, which would cause me to lash out angrily at my significant other or ignore them completely. A week after our relationship ended with her crying and me being unconcerned and, in fact, relieved, my friend and I sat down together. For the first time someone looked at me and said 'You need some help.' I had to agree.
Since that day I've done a lot of research, and I've thought a lot about past events I never imagined I would devote my time to again. I've also had a lot of my own personal mysteries solved along the way - strange and frightening episodes I've had since a child and that have persisted to this very day, for instance, were actually periods of dissociation. It was surprising what a relief it was to discover I wasn't the only one in the world who had ever been through these experiences. I still can't stand to have people touch me in a non-violent manner, the thought of being emotionally or physically intimate with another person still disgusts me, and there is still a lot about my childhood I can't remember...
But tomorrow I'm contacting counsellors in my area. Tonight I've joined this forum, and I've written this message. I think there might be a chance for me to get better after all.
