Not Able to Ask For Help at Work - Anxiety Spikes

[OceanSpray]

I think people here are putting too much faith in the opinions of the Founder. He is merely a ptsd sufferer and has no medical credentials. His posts are his ideas, not gospel. To claim that people are using the terms interchangeablely to make excuses for their behaviour is a very dangerous thing and I am therefore sceptical of anything else he has to say.

Hey, can we perhaps not sh*t on the founder of a site that I get a ton of use out of on my thread? No one is saying he’s gospel but I do agree with Friday (another person I deeply respect) given how much time I’ve been in the mental health/ptsd space, she and Anthony are very correct.

But ya, please take your grievances to your own thread. Thanks!

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
Back to the OP’s issue now thanks folks.

 

[Sideways]

because that feels weak, or like I’m admitting failure, and that I don’t deserve to even have that job if I can’t handle it.

Are these are standards ones that you apply to others? Or just yourself?

I don’t dare call, no matter how rough it gets

Can you think of recent examples where asking for help may have helped you be more effective, or simply been appropriate for the situation?

For me, I’m still not crash hot at asking for help. But I’m better than I was. Mostly because I want to do my job the best I can, and get the best end result - sometimes the best outcome requires me to not do something alone.

I think that angle helps for me because getting the best outcome is more important to mean than avoiding failure (which I try to avoid, because I don’t deal with perceived failure very well).

Asking for help can be a powerful way of building relationships with colleagues. So, as uncomfortable as it is, maybe it would be worth a shot? Especially if you can start small and slowly build up your capacity to seek out support.

 

[Friday]

Definitely still an ongoing struggle. It’s very out of reach for me right now.

I have a great admin that every time I come in, reiterate to me to not hesitate to call them for help if there’s anything at all.

But I do. I don’t dare call, no matter how rough it gets (outside of blatant safety concerns) because that feels weak, or like I’m admitting failure, and that I don’t deserve to even have that job if I can’t handle it.

There’s this SYNERGY 1+1=3 -almost magic- when individuals are working towards the same thing.

As well as an ongoing attempt to not… bleed out? When individuals are at cross-purposes, whilst “theoretically” working towards the same thing.

It’s a bizarre bordering on trite suggestion to read “7 habits of highly successful people” …as it’s entirely unrelated to trauma, but craaaaaaazy useful in group/peopley environments.

Trauma refs will talk about WHY such trust issues, guardedness, etc. come into being, whilst 7 Habits about how to recognize & change incredibly deep patterned behaviors… in very simple / easily applied ways. Like looking for the win/win. It was a required text, in a required class, that I hated on every philosophical level… UNTIL I took the class and read the durn book. And it was a series of LIGHTBULB! explosions as to why SOME of my life looked one way, whilst identical on paper, to OTHER parts of my life that couldn’t be more different. OH. THIS. Makes. Sense. An absolutely fantastic cheat sheet for work & personal relationships.

 

[OceanSpray]

Are these are standards ones that you apply to others? Or just yourself?

Definitely just to myself. I will forgive and forget just about everything for everyone else. Sort of. I do make excuses upon excuses but it also builds in the back of my mind until there comes a point where I kind of snap. I almost never snap towards that person though, it’s almost always venting to someone else. Then it’s out of my system and I go back to making excuses upon excuses of why they can’t function like I do.

Can you think of recent examples where asking for help may have helped you be more effective, or simply been appropriate for the situation?

Actually, ya. Just the night before last. I’m at a new job now and there’s a lot of learning on the go instead of any kind of formal training. So I’m actually kind of forced into asking for help. I ended up calling my boss twice that night because there was no physical way that I could solve the problems on my own.

He didn’t yell at me, he didn’t even act irritated. He answered his phone right away and just gave me instructions. Then after the second call he actually came down and stayed with me for hours because we got slammed and some of the stuff wasn’t going right. Again, he didn’t even slightly act irritated. On the contrary, he and consequently I were having fun the whole night getting everything done.

Looking back, I do feel inadequate still for not being able to handle it all on my own. But I can clearly hear that as my mother’s voice coming through and it’s more distant in a way. Not sure how to explain it. But she’s being pushed out by the supportive stuff that’s been happening.

7 habits of highly successful people”

I’ve heard of this book but haven’t read it cause I chalked it up to being surface level self help, the title feels scammy lol. But I’ll check it out.

 

[Friday]

I’ve heard of this book but haven’t read it cause I chalked it up to being surface level self help, the title feels scammy lol. But I’ll check it out.

Same, until it was required reading. Bizarrely helpful/useful/genius.

In part, I think, because it doesn’t define/depend on personality/morality/belief?

 

[Sideways]

Looking back, I do feel inadequate still for not being able to handle it all on my own. But I can clearly hear that as my mother’s voice coming through and it’s more distant in a way. Not sure how to explain it. But she’s being pushed out by the supportive stuff that’s been happening.

Yeah, I get this.

It won’t shift quickly or easily. But it can shift. The more you practice, and notice yourself practicing, and notice that actually it wasn’t a problem, the quieter that voice will get. Like retraining the brain about how things work now.

I think the noticing is important, which is where things like journaling or cbt-style homework/apps come in. Stuff that we learned as kids from caregivers is particularly hard to shift, because our brain can turn it into “need to follow this rule to survive”.

It can also be really liberating to notice yourself changing these drilled-in core beliefs - because of you can decide to not be that person anymore, it opens up the possibility that can decide to be anyone you want.

 

[Rmnnrs1]

I wasn’t sure if I should post this here or in the employment area.

But does anyone else have a hard time asking for help at work? I’m a substitute teacher and usually feel pretty confident in my job. But some days do get rough. I have a great admin that every time I come in, reiterate to me to not hesitate to call them for help if there’s anything at all.

But I do. I don’t dare call, no matter how rough it gets (outside of blatant safety concerns) because that feels weak, or like I’m admitting failure, and that I don’t deserve to even have that job if I can’t handle it.

I had this for a long time and then I became a manager and realised personally how much better I felt that I could help my staff when they told me the whole information. I found I was able to support them and help them further, obviously for me personally that came with its own problems due to my C-PTSD but ever since being on the other side of it I have been telling my employers all the details of how I need help because usually they help in some way and if they don't its nice to know that they understand why I struggle to do things to the best of my ability sometimes.

Try telling them about the small details to start off with maybe that you have some things going on at home that you are struggling with and maybe the rest of the heavy stuff will be easier to say later down the line.

I hope this helps, apologies if it doesn't!!

 

[Emrlia]

I'm finding that a lack of communication and integrity in my workplace is a huge trigger for me. I was successful in a role for 3 years, was asked to take on additional duties for 6 weeks which turned to 9 months without the overtime being paid. I was so run down and let my employer take advantage of me (not intentionally of course, just the regular core beliefs getting in the way of speaking up and asking for my needs to be met) and then a very senior staff member started bullying me. I blew up at them over email and was asked to apologise. I refused and was subsequently labelled a problem. I spiralled into a bad episode of ptsd, ended up leaving and finding work with same company, different area. I promised myself I would speak up in the new role but the ptsd symptoms made it hard and I defaulted to fawning. Until a colleague started to become verbally aggressive and that tipped me over the edge. I decided to speak up about it and have again been labelled a problem. My psychologist said things will get worse before they get better because when we start to assert boundaries after previously not doing so, other people's perception of who we are changes and they find it uncomfortable. I really want to quit, that's how bad the anxiety is but I can't afford to quit. Such an awful place to be in - not feeling safe at work but struggling to get out.

I think what you shared is really brave! I hope I have the courage to speak up for myself in the workplace, and it's even more encouraging that your therapist said things will get worse before it gets better.

I had the pleasure to work in some loving and supportive workplace groups until I didn't. My recent two jobs had same kind of very unprofessional managers with zero leadership skills. They didn't like me so they fired me even though I work hard, my numbers are the best and my clients endorse me a lot. I didn't know how to speak up for myself and tend to fawn when the managers unprofessionally took their personal emotions into workplace and exploited my nature.

For instance, one manager said she's really pissed and believed I lied to her because she had been waiting for me to voluntarily tell her a little hiccup that happened when she's not in the office and I didn't. The only reason was that I didn't know I need to tell her, she never asked and I guess I was not tactful. She never communicated with me but instead wanted me to read her mind. How could that be possible? I just got in the company. I always share positive things in the workplace instead of gossip and nervousness. She just kept throwing me her distrustful feelings instead of trying to communicate like a leader, like the great leaders I used to work with. Thankfully shortly after they fired me, she's not on a leadership position. Also there were bully colleagues who treated me like her subordinates even though I'm not. I didn't know how to fight back and stand up for myself especially when they seem to have great relationships with other colleagues. They made me look like the trouble. I believed their natures are nice and probably if I give in a little bit they will show the gentle gesture back. Well we know their choice.

The next manager talked bad things about other colleagues behind their back, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Moreover, she kept inquiring me to disclose my personal details by asking questions in the office like what's my partner's religion, how long have we been together, what's my opinion on somethings, etc. Anyway that workplace has an odd culture for me because they just gossip about clients' privacy very day and I feel really uncomfortable in that circumstances. She kept bullying me, always wanted me to fawn and I did, then she kept taking more and more advantage of me. Now I think about it again, she's a bully. The boss also wanted me to help them fake something and in that company they took it for granted. I didn't do it. Though the company and everyone look really "wonderful" from PR's point of view and that's so tricky.

I hope I can be wiser in my choices. I will not trust people so easily. I will be very cautious when deciding who is worth working for/with. I am fearful of the gap on my CV so I wanted to find job quick and didn't want to leave even though I sense something every badly, because I am so afraid I won't find another job soon or if there are better jobs available for me.

There is no perfect relationship, with that being said I need to learn really well how to protect myself from those who are ill-intentioned. I just don't really know how. I need some more mock practice. Hope I know where I can practice assertive responses or if there are articles or books with examples.

Hope you take advantage of having a job right now and strive with a lot of help!

Many good wishes to you