Not Altogether Here

[Kefira]

I don't know that I really need advice, just support and to be able to say how much I'm struggling right now.

I just finished a move- move in was the 1st. I'm living alone (except for my friend who has basically been babysitting me like a watch dog) for the first time since I was 18, when I spiraled out of control and became a full fledged agoraphobe. I'm making progress, but everything is in boxes and it's so odd- I've been without a place of my own for over a year and everything has been in storage. A few months ago it seemed strange when I found a place to stay where I actually had a door and wasn't sleeping on a couch. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a home if I can just get all the work done to make it mine.

I've been sick, hit basically as soon as all the logistics I HAD to take care of were handled. Stress response anyone? So I've lost several days in fever fog and now I'm on antibiotics, which always trash my system.

Two days ago was a trauma anniversary. I have another one in a month. This is my arguably my worst time of year, and I'm fighting desperately not to push everyone away. Because I have friends here. Friends that check on me because I've been sick or ask if I need anything. And I just can't understand right now why anyone wastes their time on me. Logically I know that they care and want to help, and I really wish I could let them but I just can't.

Mostly I feel overwhelmed and completely exhausted and I just have no sense of time or self. I keep forgetting to eat and I can't bring myself to go out or even to call for delivery I've been so symptomatic. I'm just hoping that the fog lifts a bit soon because I'm very tired of not being able to feel anything and not being able to think or focus. It's not even like I'm watching everything go by, it's like I've just completely checked out and almost forgotten anything is there to watch.

 

[WillyKat]

Logically I know that they care and want to help, and I really wish I could let them but I just can't.

I've felt that giant chasm between logically understanding something and yet being unable to feel the truth of it. When that happens, I try to focus on the logical, which is not to say it always works. I let that logical part keep speaking, keep trying to reach the rest of me. I know its difficult.

I have an idea for you: unpack. First, get out the music and open the blinds or windows. While you're unpacking, name every object you pull out of the box. Take the time to place it where it belongs. Think of it as building a little part of your identity. I think that might help ground you. If you keep breathing while you're doing this, it might make you feel like your identity might come back.

 

[scout86]

And I just can't understand right now why anyone wastes their time on me.

Because you're not a waste of time. You have a lot to offer the world. You offer a lot here. Good insights, useful ideas, support. I'm guessing you offer all of that and more to your friends in the physical world when ever you can.

I've been in similar positions. It helps me to prioritize. On a very basic level. But it also helps not to take on too much. Which means breaking things into ridiculously small steps. You HAVE to eat and you HAVE to sleep. If you don't have any food, maybe you can call a friend and have them bring in something. (Easier than dealing with either a store or a delivery person.) Then, pick a room, Maybe the bedroom, and unpack that, so you have a place to sleep. You can do this, I'm sure you've done WAY harder stuff. What ever you do, please take good care of yourself! (And let your friends have the privilege of helping too.)

 

[missyfjr]

Hi Kefira, congrats on getting your own place. I know it can be pretty daunting moving to a new home but it's a new start and that sometimes can be a really good thing. I'm sorry your going through a tough time. Hugs...if you accept them.

 

[Kefira]

Thanks everyone for the responses, and for the unpacking motivation. The antibiotics are helping some (serious brain fog and feel very slow, but it's better than being feverish and totally disoriented) and a friend of mine picked up food for me last night and helped me move a few of the heavier things I wouldn't have been able to manage for a while on my own. So things are at least finding their way into the correct rooms, which is a start.

Had a really awful night last night, but today seems a little more manageable. Not sure if I'll be able to get myself to go out to get the things on my list, but I at least feel like I can get some work done and maybe do some laundry and more organization. One hour at a time.

 

[barefoot]

Congratulations on getting your own place!

I wonder if you need to understand why your friends care and want to help at the moment? How would it be to just accept that, for whatever reason, they do? Is there anything that you would feel comfortable asking them for help with? Not eating is a biggie, especially if you're already feeling stressed and unwell. Would it feel possible to ask a friend to pick up some groceries for you - or for them to order a take away for you?

I agree with others that unpacking might be a helpful step - it sounds like being surrounded by all the unopened boxes might be making things more stressful and overwhelming for you? Even if you were to set yourself a goal to unpack one box a day, I think that might get you moving, feeling productive, feeling more grounded and feeling like your new home is more familiar and...well...more like your home.

Take care of yourself.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry - I hadn't seen your last post! Great that a friend has brought you some provisions and helped you move some boxes to their rightful rooms. And great that you're starting to feel a little better. Hope you have a better night tonight.