Not Getting Better And Losing Faith

[metis-siren]

Hello,

I'm not new here, so a hello to all of those of you I've chatted with years ago if you are still around. I'm not doing well at all and I haven't been for some time. Situation as it stands: socially isolated with partner on other side of continent for work, psych supports are a psychiatrist who does not have a depth of understanding in ptsd nor is up to date (he's a specialist in different set of psych conditions), wait lists for short term therapy and out patient therapy at a psych hospital both expected to be at least six months away, and no private funding. Mental state is trying to handle c-ptsd, co-morbid depression and anxiety, somatoform predominately on my own with the psych's help coming in the form of benzos, sleeping med, and an atypical antidepressant because serotonin shock. What I'm currently doing on my own: journaling every day, researching ptsd treatment, meditating at least once a day, though I prefer when it's thrice daily. I should be doing yoga. Oh, and I'm learning to code so I can build a mental health app.

What I really need right now (or at least what I think I need): some sort of plan to be actively involved in getting better. The depression is very severe and I'm trying really hard to push through each day, but it feels like something has to change and I don't know what to do. I see the psychiatrist this afternoon and hopefully he'll have looked into the research I mentioned last week, as he's at least a decade behind in ptsd research and treatment.

Sorry this was rather long winded. Any advice, support, or just humanness is much appreciated. Thanks.
- Alicia

 

[Intrepid]

Wow. You are doing a lot. That's good. You are really working hard at this.

The last few pieces I put together in my recovery from PTSD have been really simple. I wanted to think they were complicated, but they are not. That's me, always over complicating things. That's how I have controlled my simptoms.

That's cool that you are building an app.

 

[kona355]

@metis-siren -

I wish I could offer more in the way of a plan. When I think of the way depression takes everything out of me, it's hard to give advice.

Encouragement is something else, though. If I could encourage you, please be reminded of how long you have survived thus far, and how this is a sign of your strength.

I know, it likely does not feel like strength, am I right?

Only a very strong person could endure what you've been through, and are going through and still have the ability to reach out like this. My experience when overwhelmed is to quit trying; so I get that feeling of losing faith.

I don't say this final bit to place any burden whatsoever on you and only say this to point out your value: You have a lot to offer because of your experiences. If you were to tell me to hang on, now that I know some of your story, I would give your counsel deep consideration because of how you've walked a most difficult path, and have survived.

In simply reading through your battles I am encouraged to continue my own.

 

[shell]

It is hard to believe that things can get better when we are in such a dark place. One of the things that helped me was the MP3 "The mindful way through depression", it helped me to address the thought process that was making me worse and learning self compassion.

When I stopped attacking myself then my depression started to ease, these days I think I could say I am free of depression and my PTSD is mostly managed, fortunately I have always been high functioning.

My previous T once gave me some homework which I thought was really silly, but proved to be really helpful. It was to find five positive things in my day, no matter how small. Whether it is was how I felt when I hugged my dog, the sun on my face when I went for a walk, or the feeling I had when I laughed at a joke on the radio. What it did was to change my focus from all the negative feelings I was feeling to focus on the positive feelings, and it grew from there. It doesn't work with out practising it daily.

I have faith that it can get better, because I have experienced it myself, and believe me I had started to action my plan and I have since turned my life around, and feel so much pain and emotion now when I think of what I tried to do to myself. Depression is a very lonely place, we believe no-one can understand our pain, Try if possible to stay connected with those around you, depression makes us feel disconnected, but it lies.

 

[Just Sayin']

Hello,

I'm not new here, so a hello to all of those of you I've chatted with years ago if you are sti...

@metis-siren, it seems like you do have a plan! It may not be as much of one as you'd like or as rounded out to include an apporach to the depression, but it is really amazing and inspiring what you're proactively doing to care for yourself.

I agree with another comment I saw -- I'd heed your counsel because of your journey and because of your approach.

I've always experienced depression as invalidating, so I focused on self-validation during really dark times. The Dialtectical Workbook also helped me immensely with acceptance, distraction, self-soothing, and relaxation techniques (I'm also anxiety co-morbid).

It's interesting that you're helping your psych catch up and that you're working on a mental health app. It seems like you have a strong desire to help others. I can't imagine feeling like I'd get a lot of help from someone trying to catch up on PTSD before the six month wait was up ... would it be correct to assume that part of helping your psych is motivated by the thought that "if someone else needs help with this ..."?

Depending on where you are with your isolation would mentoring, educating or volunteering in some related capacity be something that might benefit you?

I'm glad you came back to the forum. Feeling accepted, feeling understood, feeling connected (even when isolating), and feeling supported is something I'm SO grateful for.

Please keep us updated. I'll be rooting for you. Hugs if you accept. Best wishes always.