Not Good Enough For My Daughter

[Leah123]

I don't sleep well much, but last night was a little worse than usual. I was up five times, and I had a nightmare, didn't really get to rest. My husband is very depressed and having problems. Work's stressful and overwhelming right now. Therapy is messy and intense. Finances, getting worse by the day.

I was hoping to talk to my therapist today- tried so hard to wait for her, when she said she'd be available, but she wasn't. I desperately wanted some help. I wrote and wrote and wrote, trying to make it better. I had some comfort food, tried music, took the dog for a walk, etc.

I really tried. But it's not good enough to help with my stress. I'm not good enough. I'm just not, but I really did try.

So, we're having dinner, my daughter and I. I tell her not to eat so fast, to wait for her food to cool down- and she doesn't, and she starts to choke, just for a moment, but she's ok. And I get so mad, and upset and panicked, and tired of things going wrong, I open my awful, vile mouth, and I say to her:

"God, f*c(%ng damnit, don't take another bite."

And then, I calm down, and apologize. I know just how to apologize, to make it better, because I have TOO much practice apologizing. I'm SO mad at myself, for failing again. And I'm even a little mad at my therapist, maybe she could have helped me, if she was around. I needed help. And I knew it.

I do not know what I'm going to do. My life feels more upset now than before therapy. I told my therapist in an email, I quit. I bet folks will want to tell me that's a mistake, but you know what- I feel like I was holding it better before, and now, I not only have my temper to deal with, but all the other issues that came up in therapy, and it's hard for me to even do my job these days, because I'm so distracted by all the issues.

I do not know how to buy myself the 10 seconds I need to feel my temper coming out and go away or stop it. I do not know. I try, but I fail.

 

[Abstract]

Leah, I remember you said you had managed to do it once. I really hope you can manage to hold onto that. If you have done it once you can do it again. This is not hopeless. We can change our automatic responses with practice.

I am sorry things are so difficult at present. I don't know how people do trauma work and still try to be parents. Let alone the added stressors.

Can you rather think of other options you could have done at the time?

I really did try.

Can you give yourself credit for what you did do?

Have you ever had a coping box? Its a box or other container that you can fill with ideas for distraction or coping options. That can be lists of ideas or it can be things to do. What I have found is that it is not always possible to know what will help the most. And it can be hard to think clearly when in that place. And so having it together like that can be a help and one can work ones way through it until something improves. You can also have things that inspire you. Maybe you could put some of your daughters baby clothes in there or something else that will appeal to you.

Have you done any mindfulness and radical acceptance? I found that helpful too.

Is there anything you can do to reduce the stressors in your life? Even if not ideal.

 

[Leah123]

Thanks, but, I don't know what to do. I could think of a long list of things, but when I get mad, I just... get mad. I don't traditionally feel it happening. :( I mean.... I knew I was very stressed today, but my fixes didn't work.

I was trying so hard to remove/mitigate the stressors. I changed my work schedule for my daughter. I started therapy for her. I started trying to get more exercise, eat better, sleep better, but, all my plans just don't always work out. I tried tonight, to make it easier- I ordered pizza, instead of cooking, because I have a ton of work to do right now.

I will try your coping box. I like that idea. I feel so hopeless, but I will try. Thanks. :(

P.S. I don't know what radical acceptance is. As for mindfulness, well, I do try sometimes, but I find I'm so busy, it's really hard. I work 60 hours a week and have a ton of obligations.

 

[Leah123]

My kiddo asked me to read her a story in the bath. I brought my laptop to read replies. "Stop working," she said. "I'm not working," I admitted, "I'm talking to people about how to not yell at you, because I really don't want to."

"Just yell in your head," she said. Ha, I'm gonna have to try that. I love my daughter SO much.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Leah,

It is one of the dialectical behaviour therapy concepts. I find DBT very helpful for tolerating intense emotions. If you haven't tried it I recommend getting a workbook. There are many available.

Keep working. on it and you will get there.

 

[Leah123]

I just read about radical acceptance in an article I found online. I really like the concept, thank you. Self-compassion is something I have a terrible time with, plus, I never want to excuse my bad behavior, because my daughter deserves so much better. Thanks, Abstract.

Tried my therapist again, but she abruptly went offline. Life is too discouraging sometimes.

 

[Abstract]

Remember it is a case of acceptance and change. Its not just Oking it. You want to change this and you are making changes. You love your daughter and these types of anger issues can change. So keep going.

One of the uses of radical acceptance that I have is to do with strong emotion. Its about not fighting it or thinking it is intolerable or that you have to do something with it. It is about accepting it as openly as possible and then calmly looking at something to help. Rather than screaming at yourself internally, panicking or thinking the anger is not OK. Have a read.

 

[Leah123]

I can't seem to get angry without making everything worse. Just insulted my therapist after feeling like she's totally blowing me off. I wish I were dead. It'd be so much easier.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am so sorry you are having a rough day. I can totally identify with being overwhelmed and then getting angry and then the nausea of self remorse.

There was a front page article in the NYT a few weeks ago having to do with PTSD and they listed a lack of self compassion as one characteristic. I can identify with that one all right. I am sure many of us can.

What has significantly helped me take note of instant anger boiling up (and take note of my emotional state at any time) has been the practice of mindfulness meditation. I love what Abstract has been saying, her ideas and the radical acceptance too. Because I have always avoided being without distraction so I wouldn't have to be alone with my mind, meditation was always a challenge for me but mindfulness meditation, once I committed to trying it - has changed my life. I do it every day and mini scans thru out to gage my state of being. Then I am not surprised by rage, or grief, etc. and I will find that moment to pull back when before I might act precipitously on my intense emotion. Not always because as a human, I am limited and incapable of perfection, but usually.

I also exercise every day if possible - not so much for my figure as for my mind and heart and soul. I have to do these things not just for a sense of well being and for healing, but so that I can have a life where my early trauma isn't still calling all the shots.

I absolutely love what your daughter said. She's so cute! And it's indicative of you being a good mom that she not only doesn't shut down after you have an emotional moment, but can actually speak her mind and be relaxed enough to come up with creative solutions. So well done!

Please always think of all you did right those days you feel like you did so much not so perfect.

Hoping you feel better soon!

 

[Pencil]

I do not know what I'm going to do. My life feels more upset now than before therapy. I told my therapist in an email, I quit. I bet folks will want to tell me that's a mistake, but you know what- I feel like I was holding it better before, and now, I not only have my temper to deal with, but all the other issues that came up in therapy, and it's hard for me to even do my job these days, because I'm so distracted by all the issues.

Snap, ditto, etc etc.

I've never really opened up here about what a bitch of a mother I am at times. So thank you for bringing it up, so that I can hide behind you like a true bloody coward. I have zero answers, I'll keep hiding behind you and see if anything comes up that can help me. (I recently considered beta-blockers. Does anybody know if that would help to prevent going into overdrive?)

 

[Leah123]

Awww, thank you Pencil. I'm sorry you struggle with this too, but I'm really relieved you posted. I feel like such a monster, such a terrible terrible person, and a failure, when I think about how I loose my temper on my daughter. I just want to buy the 10 seconds I need, to regain my perspective. I would give anything and do anything for those seconds, to save my daughter from myself. I'm going to try to start meditating again. I used to, and gave up a lot of good habits when my husband's heart failed and I had to start working 60 hours a week, seems like I gave up a lot of things that helped my stress level, which was never great to begin with. And I'm going to try and practice radical acceptance, and the coping box, somehow. Sometimes, I get tired just thinking of all the things I'm trying to make it better.

 

[Pencil]

Leah, I do all those things, and things go well if she stops in time, but when she goes on and on and on about something, and especially if there's NOISE involved, I run out of whatever it is that keeps me intact ....