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Not knowing yourself??

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Heres the deal... I am so used to being in an extreme. Either self harming by some kind of extreme behavior like the cutting, promiscuity, drinking, etc... I dont really know how I am doing? I dont know if this makes sense but, since I am not doing any of those behaviors I feel inclined to be like all my problems are solved and I'm great when I see my T... but this is erroneous thinking since I dont go to T for those things but, rather for the trauma thats caused me to turn to those behaviors in the first place. I'm so mentally tired and just I dont know...I have no idea where I'm at in this therapeutic process... no idea how I'm doing.... How do you know when the past still needs to be explored and how do you know when you're ready to leave it behind and its not going to creep up on you again in another month.... I just feel like in this limbo right now... I feel the urge to self harm as its easier to talk about or at least lets me know where I'm at...I know this may sound so strange and like a bunch of ramblings...
 
Hello... I just want to say I feel the same way. I have a really really hard time telling how I'm feeling or where I am mentally at any given time. Sometimes I think I'm just fine then I realize all the self-destructive things I've been doing. I just really don't know. Wish I had some advice I could give, just know you're not alone...
 
I would tell your T what you just wrote. Self-harm, for me, is a way to cope with emotional pain and anxiety. I find it to be grounding. I have also self harmed in re-enactment in a disassociated state. I would think that when you are healed the desire could still come back, but your self control and ability to cope in healthier ways (exercise, outdoor, writing, breathing) would be evident. Maybe there is remission, or maybe this ptsd is forever, but it is our choice and efforts in how healthy we want to strive to be in our lives. There are days that I might spend most of the day in bed to finally get up and do something physical outside like yard work. Then I feel better. It is just so hard to pull out of the trauma loop in my head to do something about it. If you aren’t having crippling trauma thoughts, embrace that! Don’t self harm as a test on your wellness. Just focus on the healthy!
 
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