Not Myself

[y5L]

I do not at all like who I am right now... and I don't want to subject anyone else to the misfortune of having to be around me.

And while I know (or at least hope) that at some point I'll get back to being me again, in the mean time this alternate me is making a mess of my life and my relationships.

I am feeling alone in it all, too. I've tried to talk about it with 3 people but none of then have anything to say back other than it won't stay this way. But how will the thoughts and feelings change if I'm still alone in them??

So I'm reaching out to you. Sharing with all of you, knowing many of you have felt the same. Even if no one responds, this time I know I'm not alone in this.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure what to say @y5L , but not because I haven't been there but because I have. A :hug: (if that's ok)?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@y5L
Oh, this is not happiness, is it? There's a lot that I intellectually know about PTSD, but It means squat when I'm smack in the muck and mire of it. It feels like shit. What doesn't feel like shit? We're having a wicked thunderstorm here right now. I am terrified of lightning and downpours. It's why I like to live near the ocean. When the storms hit the sea air, they calm down. If I'm driving back from Boston and these storms come up, I have to get off the highway. I can't stand it if I can't see the road.

I am seriously irritated today. Maybe there's solar flares happening. Three clients didn't show up for their appointments today. That costs me money. I'm just glad I got home before the lightning.

You have written many encouraging posts. I've been calmed and enlightened by your perspective. Thank you for that. You're not sitting with those thoughts now. They are thoughts. Thoughts come and go. My therapist says they pendulate. My challenge is to get the arc of the pendulum to not swing so far in either direction (at this point he will spread his arms wide and then bring them closer together-he uses his hands and arms a lot). I like this analogy. I think maybe once he noticed I kept my thoughts in the midrange. I am swinging like an orangutan on that pendulum!

I'm watching Two and a half Men. In this episode, Carol Kane plays the pot head peyote popping mother of Alan's secretary who he is screwing around with. Charlie and Jake are at dinner with a hot woman Charlie liked and Jake schmoooozed with. Carol Kane is hysterical.

Sorry your day is shitty. It's usually some god damned reminder or a memory or even a smell and it's bye bye for now..clear space for the worms to crawl out. I hope you can get a good nights sleep. And thanks again for being here .

 

[silkleaves]

Not only are you not alone... I'm feeling this way myself right now.
It's not a good feeling at all.

 

[ghotiff]

What helps me is reminding myself that I typically have a 3 day cycle of down the spiral. If I can hold out for three days I will get to come up for air. Not up to sunshine, but up for air, which is a great improvement on drowning.

I hope that helps. But I realize that it falls in the category if @you won't always feel this way" which is not what you were looking for.