Not Ok

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
At the risk of saying the exact wrong thing, maybe it's time to reconsider? I mean, I had to try a bucketload of meds before landing with my current combo. But with the genetic testing now, that search for the right meds with limited side effects could be a lot quicker.
No worries. I've been on everything (including the atypical antipsychotics) that currently has a generic and is affordable. I started 40 years ago, so that's quite a lot of different meds and med combinations. They have either not helped or caused significant and often long-lasting side effects.
It is true. It will get better.
I hear this a lot. And I'm not trying to be difficult in my response, only realistic. I've had issues with significant depression and lack of joy since I was in 9th grade. I'm 61 now. Yes, there are spaces that are better. But generally--overall--sometimes it just does not get better. I am trying to figure out how to live with that.
You will get to the point where life is worth being around for. Life really is worth it, even though that definitely doesn't seem true right now.
Yeah, again...not trying to be difficult, but it's been almost 5 decades and "life really is worth it" continues to sound like BS to me.
When super depressed... best thing you can do is move your butt out the door and start walking. Just walk anywhere, but the mild exercise will typically do the trick to help.
I do that nearly every day. And it doesn't help for longer than the two or three minutes I see a bird or a chipmunk or a family of mallards. I've had periods of time when I've belonged to a gym because everybody was telling me that if I exercised, I'd feel better.

I didn't.

I eventually had to stop because the pain was so bad I couldn't manage it anymore. But I do walk, I do get out in the air. When I feel like this, I feel horrible. I want only to go back in and go to bed. When the depress;ion is lighter, it helps momentarily. But again, not the exercise, but rather the animals, the trees.

Not trying to be argumentative; I'm just super frustrated.

Thanks for all of your responses. I appreciate every one of you.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
sometimes it just does not get better. I am trying to figure out how to live with that.
This seems like a good point of focus to me. I wonder about the definitions of good and better and whether those might be shifted just as an experiment?
not the exercise, but rather the animals, the trees.
This very much resonates with me. When I am able to make eye contact with a bird, or sense the wisdom of an individual tree I feel held by my undeniable connection to nature. It feels real and yet untenable. When I have SI that feeling is almost unknowable. Oddly, for me, talking to someone on the crisis line now has a connection with nature, because when I was being abused all I had was nature but now I have my words and the ability to receive. So I added good people to the comfort of nature. Hadn’t realized that until just now writing it out.

Speaking of animals, I’m curious about the cats, what part do they play in your perspective?
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
@whiteraven it's ok, glad you are being honest.

I think the ~"it's worth living for" is always contrasted to the perceived relief to not be, for me. Not sure if it's the same for you? Don't feel it's worth living for without family or prominent career. 'Purpose' isn't what I can afford to focus on.

Also find many people (me included) had greater challenges when body broke down and didn't enable me to do as I used to.

Great with your cats, whom you love. Do you love other things or people? Do you remember a time when it was less protracted, and what you were doing/ thinking then? Does it have to do with forseeing no difference in the future? Do you have so much emotional pain or damage or mistrust it makes connection difficult or too frightening? (All of these things apply to myself one way or another, perhaps for you also?)

Have you ever thought that if you find a way through this, you will have the answer many people need who totally relate? Because I'm a big believer in when something isn't working, there's a reason. And when you find the reason it's great steps (if not leaps) towards solving it.

The brain makes tracks and associations more quickly and easily when we repeat them. Big ships need small steps to turn around..

🫂🫂🫂🫂
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Do you love other things or people?
Not really. I mean, I love animals - all kinds. But my cats are really the only close beings I feel a love for. Well there's my mom, but none of the love I feel feels real, if that makes any sense.
Do you remember a time when it was less protracted, and what you were doing/ thinking then?
Sure...that's part of the problem. I can remember how I felt before it got so bad (and it wasn't good, only a little better), and I can remember what made me feel not horrible. None of that works anymore. I've tried.
Does it have to do with forseeing no difference in the future?
That's part of it. But it's much deeper than that now. I feel old, and I don't see much of a future -- good or bad -- at all.
Do you have so much emotional pain or damage or mistrust it makes connection difficult or too frightening?
Very little trust, but I still reach out and try to connect with people. I try everything, and it just makes me tired.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Idk @whiteraven, and I feel this too:

I don't see much of a future -- good or bad -
But someone said not all of our thoughts are true.

i do think it really drives home to me something @Friday said about negative thoughts mentioned with ptsd in the DSM (forgive me for not recalling the criteria they specified/ wording). I think though of being aware of that negative undercurrent now, just as a factual thing (instead of it going under the radar). My dad must have had that too from a term my mom used, though he made everyone laugh.

I heard of this woman, a singer who died called Nightbirde, she said (paraphrasing) something like, ~'You can't wait for the hard times to pass before you give yourself permission to be happy'. She was on that America's Got Talent, and wrote a blog and poem about finding God on the Bathroom floor, and how she went at one point nearly catatonic and bed ridden, said they determined her brain was sending signals to her body registering as pain, took months to get over. Idk about all that, she had 4 rounds of cancer that metastisized, and I think an experimental treatment, not to mention her H leaving her along with it, but there is much unknown and not understood. Maybe one day it will be.

Hang in there.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
IF you have a love of cats (animals?) can you volunteer at a local shelter? Offer to dog walk people or babysit their cats when they go away? Doesn't need to be for money, not if you don't want it to be. Do you garden? A birdfeeder at a window? Or is there something going on that is very heavy and leads you to feeling frozen right now? I find depression for many is much about being stuck in something and feeling unable to move through it. Any bit of activity is a good thing but I hear that you are dealing with pain as well and understand how that can complicates things quite a bit. I am very sorry for all you are going through.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
IF you have a love of cats (animals?) can you volunteer at a local shelter? Offer to dog walk people or babysit their cats when they go away? Doesn't need to be for money, not if you don't want it to be. Do you garden? A birdfeeder at a window?
I am signed up to be a volunteer, and I just don't want to do it. I have birdfeeders, and I have even lost all interest in them. I do feed the birds daily (usually), but they just don't bring me the joy they used to. I do all the things I used to love, and...nothing.
Or is there something going on that is very heavy and leads you to feeling frozen right now?
Nope. This apathy has been prevalent for months, and I can't pin it on anything.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
and I just don't want to do it
This may be a silly question @whiteraven, but when it feels likes you don't want to do it - does that feel more like your body doesn't want to do it or your mind? Please don't answer if it doesn't feel like this is important. I am just curious. For me there are some things that affect my body more so I know I need to move my body to get myself more aligned but there are other things that feel more like mental exhaustion that really spin me out. I am wondering if you have a sense of this.
 
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