Not Ok

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Usually my mind.
Makes sense why exercise or movement isn't helping or feels overwhelming. I can relate to this big time. Not sure if this is helpful to you but the only thing I have been able to find is helpful is practicing a 5-5-5 breathing pattern when I am not a disaster. I find there is a sweet spot in the breathing that stops my mind from anxiety/panic/I need to die stuff. EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) was also very helpful to me for this stuff.

Also, if there is ever a time where you feel just the teeniest, tiniest bit less heavy and invested in this apathy try to take note of it. What are you doing? What is happening? Are you with someone? See if you can find a pattern there where you can take control back and engineer your day to include more of whatever that is.

The I need to die stuff for me goes back to infant toddler situations I was in. It is a really difficult thing because I carry around this feeling of needing to die but I think I am so regressed that I don't actually KNOW how to die and it just sticks with me. It feels like torture and permeates what feels like every cell in my body.

And sometimes, it is the body, and the mind agrees
I am not certain of your financial situation but (and this is a rhetorical question), would it be possible to do cranial sacral or acupuncture to help release some of the frozen stuff for you? I find shoulders and face for me are the things that keep me stuck. When I do my breath stuff I work on softening my facial muscles (and am noticing I am actually almost (not quite) able to smile every now and again. Now when I try that smile my breath (which relaxes my mind) automatically starts to click in.

I think of this stuff as me being a software program, so to speak, where body and mind run programs. Those programs are visible through my body and how I hold it. When I notice that something is problematic, I look for a trigger of sorts that I can use to overlay with. I noticed that when in my 'need to die' mode there were certain things that were happening. My voice gets whispery, my forehead furrows, and my shoulders and back curl forward. These things I find literally keep me captive to the mood. As I started to identify these things I worked on learning how to adjust my body differently (a slight smile or less furrowed brow) and breathe so my mind could get some relief. It started to work and I felt like I was getting somewhere.

Anyways, please disregard if this is not helpful to you. Wishing you peace in your healing @whiteraven
 

Friday

Moderator
Nope. This apathy has been prevalent for months, and I can't pin it on anything.
I feel that.

I have had a hard and fast rule my entire adult life (I even put it in my kids’ chore lists) to “do something fun”. Every day. Full stop.

When I’m dealing with depression? NOTHING is fun.

Doing something I VALUE comes something like a distant 64th.

But it helps me hate myself less when I snap the f*ck outta the depression.
 
I have no support. I'm really depressed, and in that place where everything just makes me angry or makes me wish I were dead. I hate this life, I hate this world, and I am getting by day-to-day only because I don't have the courage to leave.
Hello WhiteRaven, I wanted to reach out to you because I too have these feelings and am looking to try and find something to live for. It’s hard when there is no support and one is confused and overwhelmed and angry. I keep saying to myself I’m living on borrowed time. Maybe together we can figure out how to manage??
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I too have these feelings and am looking to try and find something to live for. It’s hard when there is no support and one is confused and overwhelmed and angry. I keep saying to myself I’m living on borrowed time. Maybe together we can figure out how to manage??
Thanks for responding @ToBeDetermined. I'm sorry you are having the same feelngs. Only things that really keep me going are my mom and my cats. It's so hard to feel like anything matters. I honestly believe that it's gotten worse because in the end, what DOES it all matter?
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
no idea how to fix it
I might have an idea @whiteraven , just based on myself. I hope this makes sense as I'm tired but I wanted to get something down before I forget.

For me, it took/ takes making a commitment not to (re: SI). By that I mean, I don't like making commitments (in some ways; I never would have thought that until I noticed I avoid them). So either to commit to life for yourself or if need be someone or something else. I think of it this way: the mind always tries to solve problems and doesn't let it go until some solution is found. (SI or giving up is one, probably one of the most obvious to the mind, esp if framed as 'relief' or it seems simply unbearable). It's almost like there's pressure to solve it, and yet the fact it's even present there is going to interfere with or preclude enjoying most everything- the main thing is, when we aren't committed to something else, we can't enjoy anything else there (or rarely) because it's still on the back of the mind as an option.

A silly analogy would be Doritos in the cupboard: they might be unhealthy for us, maybe really bad with kidney disease for example. But if you're anything like me I could eat everything else healthy or unhealthy in the house and still feel like them. But the big point is, whatever else I am eating, would I enjoy it? (Likely not so much, or I don't. It's like (semi-consciously) what I'm eating until I go eat the Doritos). In a serious way that may also be part of addictions; when I quit ciggies nothing sufficed except a cigarette originally. (I still need a stimulant but hate the thought of a cigarette now).

However, that might explain why removing (even reducing) means for SI actually gives the brain a 'break'. And like anything else it can improve in time. But perhaps it cannot be 'when' life becomes fulfilling or joy-filled; rather making a commitment (honestly and whole-heartedly) of it simply not being something to choose from might allow one to actually experience that which will, at least in time, bring joy, hope, peace? Everyone seems to say SI/ ptsd lies; perhaps even thinking of entertaining any thoughts of an exit plan is like buying in to a fraud scheme? (Which you would never do if you knew it was lies/ a scam anywhere else in your life, or I'd hope not).

In other words, maybe it's reversed? Like I thought of safety, or trust? Waiting for (more) proof or justification of either just lead me to be on guard for evidence to the contrary (good old amygdala 🙄). But what actually made a bigger difference was choosing to trust, and choosing a belief of safety. Only then have I felt trust or safe. (Which sounds like, well if that's what you believe, why wouldn't you? But the only difference between the 2 was making a conscious commitment to 'believe' it, and then I could feel it).

So instead of giving up on life because nothing is bringing joy or fulfillment or meaning, perhaps committing to being alive in general may bring more joy and fulfillment with what is already there, and more to come?

Just a thought... 🤔
 
Last edited:

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
So either to commit to life for yourself or if need be someone or something else.
I appreciate your response. I'm not exactly sure if I understand what you're saying - I don't SI, and I've committed (in my head, anyway) to life. That is, I'm here for the duration.

That's not really the issue.

perhaps committing to being alive in general may bring more joy and fulfillment with what is already there, and more to come?
Yeah, I already did that a couple of years ago. I think it actually made it worse because I didn't/don't feel like I have that "out" if things get unbearable.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry @joeylittle suicidal ideation. I thought it was mentioned before.

Just a thought anyway. That taking away the out in a manner of speaking forces one to planning living (not just doing). Like if you're playing with your cats, the other part of one's mind is not thinking who will take care of them if you're gone, etc., for example. But I totally get the need for it.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
Just a thought anyway. That taking away the out in a manner of speaking forces one to planning living (not just doing). Like if you're playing with your cats, the other part of one's mind is not thinking who will take care of them if you're gone, etc., for example. But I totally get the need for it.
I get it. And I do think you're right about this technique and how it works. For myself, I find that there are two kinds of suicidal thinking...there's the kind I am not in control of, no matter how hard I might want to be in control of it - it's depression sinking me into hopelessness, and I lose the capacity to think clearly - so, those times, I know I just need to go for simple coping strategies that'll let me redirect my focus, without actively trying to challenge the thinking.

The other kind is the habitual suicidal thinking - where it's been part of how I see the world (and myself in it) for so long, I just go there, almost automatically. And that kind definitely responds well to some predetermined guidelines about what phrase or concept I'll redirect myself to, in order to break the habit. AND, on a macro level, deciding to challenge the habit can be well-supported by what you're talking about as well - the "death is not an option right now" internal decision.

Sorry, @whiteraven - didn't mean to hijack your thread. I'm really struggling with quality of life/the drudgery of hopelessness, and so feel like I'm in a similar problem, with nothing much useful to offer except that I'm reading along and listening.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Yes it's hard to get the motivation to even fight it sometimes. I think isolation and loss factor in greatly, and pain and sleeplessness (which both deplete strength and resilience for anything). I sometimes wonder if some depression is just the result of depleted reserves from anxiety and stress. Which I think is why they say shoot for 'good enough' and not perfection, cut yourself and others slack, practice self-care and good boundaries (except in abuse, where often that becomes untenable).
 
Top