Not Ready And Not Ready To Admit It

[Mim28]

I am up and down constantly. Last weekly I totally spilled my guts to my T. I know I am not ready to return to work because I can barely function outside the house. I want to be the old me and get back to work or really get back to normal life. Work is just a part of that.
I don't know if I am making myself better or worse. One day I want to push and the next day my gut says I'm not ready.
I beat myself up and my employer has been patient and I don't know if I am just trying to please everyone; not let everyone down. Am I giving up? Am I making myself worse?
I'm glad I see my T today because I have to talk about this. I almost don't know how to put my thoughts together into words.
I am at a crossroad. Either admit I'm not ready and lose my job, possibly not get long term disability or go back when I'm not ready, hope for the best and possibly do further damage to myself.
Please tell me how you made this hard decision.

 

[ladee]

This is a hard place to be.
Glad you are seeing your T today. Come back and let us know how it went and we will support and help either way.
It would be good if you could have more time off.
Do you know for sure you would loose your job if you take more time?
Fill us in after you speak with your T.
Hugs

 

[Mim28]

Thank you @ladee. I was very open with my T and she challenged me on thoughts vs. feelings and gut. While I feel bad about not being ready, she agreed I am not ready. I also received a call from the disability carrier asking to interview me regarding potential Long term disability. I think I need to stop fighting and keep trying to heal.
Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
Hugs

 

[ladee]

Very good to hear. None of us are Happy we have this to deal with...but if You can get some financial security to help take the pressure off..then that will help you to put your energy into healing.
You don't have to be on disability forever.
This doesn't mean you are a failure or your not healing fast enough...just means you arent ready.
Thanks for getting back to us.
You sound much less upset today!!
Sending hugs across the miles for your healing journey!.

 

[Heather]

@Mim28 ...I have been on disability for several years. My psychiatrist said something that gave me that aha moment. He said, " disability doesn't have to be for the rest of your life".

If you are struggling and find you casnt work...apply.

I have recently begun to feel capable of leading a life without disability. Getting my degree and maintaining stable employment.

I'm scared and have my doubts but the positive thoughts outweigh the negative.

I don't know if this is helping you.

I just know for me I was glad it was there when I needed it.

 

[Mim28]

@Heather, thank you very much for your words. You are right. disability doesn't have to be for the rest of my life. It might mean a new one, but I have to put myself first. I'm glad you are more a positive side now.
Thank you very much.

 

[Heather]

Thanks @Mim28 its taken me a long time to get here but if I can do it....you can too:).

Taking care of yourself definitely comes first

 

[Lucky]

I was told i couldn't get ssi because my husband income is too high ? That is such bs.. we are struggling to pay bills. We are not rich !!! I took a leave of absence as a waitress but they couldn't wait anymore. So went to apply for another job was asked why the loa i just blurted out i have ptsd...well bet i don't hear from them !!!....i don't know what else to do. T says i need more time as i have bad days still. So i completely understand what your going through.:mad: