Not Suicidal... Just Wanting To Disappear...

[Bookoffee]

Her damage just leaks into my reality and ruins my day.

This is what I am going through right now. Sometimes the only way I can rid of the child me that seeps through is to wish I was dead. I really don't want to die, I just need to say that to stop the feelings and remembering everything. My mind just wont stop.

 

[cupfish]

I get it. I am a waste of space so I try and hide and be very small. Generally in fetal position in bathroom with door locked. Last night was bad. When you perceive yourself as the universe's whipping post you want to be very very small, even wishing you were negative space. Why was I put here to suffer so? Why is someone so fragile given the responsibility to live? I hide. It's all I can manage.

 

[shimmerz]

@cupfish fetal is my position of choice as well. I also notice when I am falling into this state because I start to walk pigeon toed. That is a sure fire sign to me that I need to stop everything and lie down to get away from all triggers and recover or I will go into my 'I must die' mode. I am not suicidal but I do fall into a passive death mode. I don't know. Is that suicidal? There is no conscious will to die - just a feeling that I have no other choice. Just a deep dark hole....

 

[Purplebutterfly]

I can also relate. Everything seems hard. I don't want to die but I would no longer like to exist in this space.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I can relate on so many levels. There was a time the first words out of my mouth when my eyes opened was, "f*ck.... I'm still here"
I also more recently often begged out loud like a prayer, if I really do have other parts..... Please, please one of you take over, I'm too tired.
No one did but I do have moments where I can be walking along and time slows, I feel like I'm floating but aware... I feel aimless... It lets me breathe and can be quite relaxing... Then lunch is over and I have to return to work and to me.

 

[i want to disappear]

I feel like that every other day and it hurts so much. I guess there's two reasons why one being that my father died when i was about 9 (i'm 15 right now) or it's cuz this girl that i love so much, picked another guy over me. But she said she liked me to, so she told me to wait and i'll get my chance with her. I guess i just want to be loved by her. Even though i still have my mom and step dad i feel lonely and i just want to disappear, i feel as if everyone around my ether wants me gone or no one understands me.

could someone pleas help a hopeless kid :(

thanks for reading

 

[BigD]

Anyone else have these thoughts????

I have been feeling more and more like this. I don't know if...

I feel the same way. I am new to this forum. Not wanting to die but I just want to disappear to somewhere no one knows me. It's more and more everyday that I feel this way.

 

[cupfish]

Wow it is very intense to connect with others who deal with this. It is a highly specific, toxic, like a near-dissociative state. Spent Sunday afternoon sitting in a graveyard (again) wishing I was dead and realizing I am too responsible to do that to my family. Kind of a bad spot -- want to disappear, too committed to actually do it. 2 days later I am back to my normal everyday level of PTSD reality, but inside I know every time this happens I shorten my lifespan. Mega-triggers are very damaging and so hard on our systems! The chemical soup that fires in our brains, the adreneline, the zombie-state, the self-hate.....very very bad for our bodies. So to you all, I hope today is a wee bit brighter than described above, that you all have a little hope that maybe we can be okay, and that there is chocolate or something comparable in your immediate future. Hey, we deal with a lot. Brownies help. ;)

 

[mozz]

I get it. I am a waste of space so I try and hide and be very small. Generally in fetal position in bath...

I feel your words I know this pain I too have had enough

 

[Toot]

I feel this way often. I have visions of running away to Montana and living like a hermit. Why Montana? No clue, lol ! Just to be alone so no one can say anything to hurt me. I'm afraid of pain...I don't want to hurt. I no longer want to be social or leave my house. I want to be happy again but there are people out there that are miserable and don't like to see me happy. I used to be able to ignore them. I kept my distance from them and I have always had friends to keep my busy and my mind off the negative stuff. I'm sorry to get off track and go off about myself! You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Aren't you glad you have people that you can tell these things to instead of keeping them bottled up inside...people that understand?

 

[Chiaroscuro]

Anyone else have these thoughts????

I have been feeling more and more like this. I don't know if...

I could've written the same thing.. That's how I found this forum just now at half 1 in the morning, not tired at all...
Except I wasn't wondering if anyone else had them..
Because it feels like there isn't anyone else anywhere that could stop this feeling.
I've never felt like this before in my 37 years. I know it's definitely not ok to feel like this but no idea how to stop. Each day I just keep having to remind myself, one day at a time.
It's infuriating because I'm not used to going so slow..
But even if I try to go faster it won't let me. Sucks so damn hard.
Especially when no one I know can handle hearing this stuff. :'(

 

[RobH]

Your not alone. I feel this way a lot. You just want to go somewhere by yourself for long periods of time. Not sure why. The longer the time away the better it seems I would feel. I've thought a minimum of 10 weeks away but I still wouldn't want to come back to society or my reality.