Not supposed to tell

[Placebo]

No one knows I'm here. No one needs to know. My life has been a cycle of learning to keep family secrets, taking the blame, and cleaning the mess. I was a mess eventually, when I couldn't escape, when the bullying was inside, and outside the home. I started to run away because my mom was drunk and dad always so pissed off (he has combat veteran ptsd). My parents couldn't have me run away, so I went to rehab and my alcoholic mother didnt. I was the problem from then on out. My mom quit drinking, but everything else remained the same. My brother continually bullied me and called me fat, my sister was to cool for me, and the family had someone to focus on, someone who was the problem, and it was me. I should go back a bit. My mom decided when I was 4 j was fat, and needed a diet. My mom focused on me as the problem at 4. I was a little chunky, but no where near kids today are. My mom relentlessly focused on my dieting and neglected any of her drinking problem, or my dad's anger problem. I eventually did get fat around 11 years old after we moved, and I was bullied, and I had no friends, but my mom was on it years before.
I feel better getting back to the beginning of the problem. My brother babysat me when I was 4 and he was 13-14. He used to beat the shit out of me, or use my favorite stuffed animal as a threat to get me to clean while my mom was at work after kindergarten. My brother had hours of good sober mom inbetween kindergarten and night time before dinner drinks. So did my sister. I had drunk mom right after work drinking making dinner, and pissed off dad home from work (he drank a lot, but wasn't an alcoholic), but no good sober mom time, or happy military dad. My dad left the military when I was 3 turning 4. He didn't get mad until after he left the service. I guess it's common as he served 23 years and civilian life was harder on him than he expected. It's like I had a different life from my brother or sister completely. The first 13 years of my brothers life, and my life couldn't have been more different than night and day. This type of upbringing with other things made me never tell anyone. The loyalty and shame I felt made me quiet and never say bad things about my family. We did have love. It was just as loving as it was abusive. I did learn to have shame somehow. Maybe my mom's fat shaming me in elementary school when no one else called me fat. She was different when she drank though.
Anyway I can breath without it hurting anymore. I guess I've written enough to stop the ptsd pain.

 

[bellbird]

Hey @Lizzymac , great start to your diary :)

We did have love. It was just as loving as it was abusive.

Sometimes those types of relationships can be the most difficult.
That dynamic can lead to so much confusion and internal conflict. It's ok to feel those things too.

No one knows I'm here. No one needs to know.

You're right -- no one needs to know you're here.
That's the beauty of this place. It's a refuge from when the outside world gets too crazy.

We all have different stories, but we also have a shared understanding of what we are all going through.
Virtual hugs, if you accept :hug:

 

[Kubash16]

The anonymity of this place is fantastic!

Welcome!

I understand and empathize with a lot of your struggles. I had a very different set of parents then my siblings did and that made things so hard. I also understand the loving but abusive dynamic very well. It complicates things for me a ton but I’m working through it.

I hope you find all the support you can handle here!

 

[Placebo]

Ok well pts d is getting better, but it is coming and going today. Lump in my throat emotional pain, and yet joy from my perception is felt at the same time. Trying to wrap the pain in love and allow it to be until it transforms into compassion for self, and others involved.
I have had many an amazing spiritual thing happen in my life along with the horrible and pain. But, as a kid I was into age of the golden dawn and ceremonial magic at 10-11 because I had no friends was a nerd and spent my time in the library looking into those things. I always liked fantasy and sci-fi so this stuff was up my alley. I got done with this when I read my sister's art of Zen and the VW (something like that), and that's when I started meditating. The two kind of intermixed until meditation and the nature in my back yard took over. I eventually got into the path of my ultimate truth Buhddism, but for lost in New age for almost a decade. I've come back to Buddhism after a long cycle eventually ending up back at my Moms Anglican Church to Buddhism my truth, my scientific proven through experience truth. I am trying to be grateful that in this life time I have burned off negative karma from previous life times that could have been in my last life (I doubt I was born into such good karma to be born in america), or life times going back eons. My negative actions finally came to fruition and I had to experience great hardships to understand the deeper levels of cyclic existence and pain I have caused others. After all my pain goes back to my mother drinking due to the fact she could not handle my dad's anger,and my dad's anger was caused due to the survival instinct in Vietnam slightly changing brain chemistry. Who should I be mad at in that case the government for my dad who wanted to be a career officer going to a pointless war? How could I be mad at my government for my dad having to deal with a daughter who was tortured and the negative things it brings to the family afterwards? Did my dad not suffer twice with a second suffering for no reason other than another's sadistic pleasure? Who is the real victim here? The point being I could continue to blame and blame and blame until I am blue in the face instead of accepting this has happened and passed and can not be undone. My brain chemistry changed through this torture process, it's a scientific proven fact. But, so is the plasticity of the brain, and ability to change your brain chemistry and neurological pathways. Meditation has been studied extensively in universities and it shows the brain can heal and become better than before with meditation on compassion (and holding joy in the mind towards all beings). I feel hopeless often and like I am beneath other people; the people who are untouched and good and hold themselves in a manner that I can only describe as angels. Untouched educated people who have had good lives have a center that makes them stand a little strighter, and have an energy about them that says they are good because bad things didn't happen to them. Again, in Buddhism they are living good karma and hopefully are continuing that good karma with compassion and kindness into the next life time. To me they are just untouched and undisturbed like angels who have been protected and loved.
I hope by returning to meditation and setting up my shrine in to Buddha, and the Bohdisatvas that followed will be better than the last time I truly gave myself to spirituality and loving kindness. I was blessed enough to have amazing meditative things happen, and I have not been schizophrenic after that. I did drugs and went into one pts d psychosis and one ptsd retraumatization and yet did not return to schizophrenia, or anywhere near the hell on earth I was in after my psychological torture occured.
Another thing I thought about was how my trauma did not happen to me because I was ugly or deformed in body as other women who are beautiful (that Italian lady Tiziana was pushed into suicide by even famous soccer players making fun of her for a sexual act) suffer greatly at the hands of others. She was beautiful with an amazing body and one bad decision placed her in a position where people lived to torment her and pushed her into suicide. I always thought of I was beautiful people would have been more kinder or gentler with me. But, the actions of others are not my responsibility regardless of the karma (causes and conditions) that allowed me to suffer.
I think for now just trying to only take on little bits of this would be wise. I need a break and to stay in the present moment which ptsd does not allow one to do. Mindfulness and taking care of my body is needed. The untouched angels seem to be able to take care of themselves as if it were just a part of life. I have a hard time doing that sometimes as I wasn't raised with people who could do that very well. Neither of my parents have ever worked out or are healthy and honestly they put a lot of their emotional issues on me to deal with. I went to rehab when I had only drank once for my mom. Then when I came back from a half way house my mom daily used me as a counselor for my dad's suicidal ideation and their stress over money issues. I tried the best I could and have her the wisdom counseling and alcoholics anonymous had given me, but at 15 it was very difficult to handle and after about 6 months I told my mom I was just 15 and it wasn't fair for her to do that to me all while expecting me to not tell my brother and sister so they wouldn't worry. I know the psychological family roles we fell into and I was the scapegoat first the saviour then the scale goat again. My dad's ptsd often treated me like a combatant and he would get livid and say stuff like "I'm gonna give you enough rope to hang yourself with" when I was 16, boy he wasn't kidding. My dad also played this game my whole life of trying to make me mad or sad and laughing if he got a rise out of me. looking back it was very emotionally dominating and bully like, but it did eventually make me strong as by 10 I didn't flinch at the bullies in school or ever say anything. I didn't want them to win my emotional reaction. It might have not been smart and caused me to be bullied more as I would just shut up and put my head down, but I didn't want them to break me mentally; only to break at 17 and break for the rest of my life (or so far I'm 41).
I think I can put this away. I'm writing for myself. If anything I can always erase my account of it ends up being bad for me.

 

[Placebo]

My dad bought my sister a Kia for 22k, and bought me a Hyndi for 12k. They said my sister is brand aware, and it's a big deal to her. It is, and she gets her hair done and nails done, and my Dad pays for her kids braces while she has lots of clothes and makeup and shops. This is normal for my family. My sister deserves and gets better and will ask my parents for stuff. I'm fearful my dad bought me a car at all. I told him not too when he said he was going to. I told him I'm an adult. He bought it and I am grateful and take care of it. I am not upset with my sister. She has kids and needs a better car for them I guess. My sister and her family brings so much joy to my parents and I have caused suffering with being tortured and crying from 18-26 in there house daily. They have had a lot of heart ach watching their daughter be tormented from torture and torment and ptsd. They didn't know what to do honestly. I'm blessed to have them. They have changed as they have aged and gotten better and away from where we used to live. My parents have friends here and a social life. The town where I got hurt they got snubbed by the neighbors pretty bad and didn't have many friends. It wasn't a good time for them either there. But, that was 16 years ago. It's just my ptsd that gets caught up in it. And, being traumatized about 3 years ago I know I will never be safe from them. I'll be lucky if I can just live a small hidden life. Sometimes people with money and drugs and connections can get away with anything they want. I understand that now. There is no justice and no laws for some. But, again I have a car, and live in a nice place. The nicest place I've ever lived in my own. I'm happy for my sister and brother even though we had different karma and I wasn't ment to have a good life like them in this life. It's ok because I love them and can find happiness in there happiness. I am kind of a wack job the past few days. I hate ptsd. This will pass and I'll be normal again. Well as normal as I can be. I got kicked out of normal when I got bullied really bad and was alone as a kid and it kept going till I was 23. Normal and the American dream were never ment to be mine. Acceptance is the key to my happiness I've been told. Some days just suck and that's true for everyone e no matter what the background. Now that I wrote it in better with my parents buying my sister a better car as her pride is bigger than mine and I am more humble. I am just lucky to have a car bought for me. They all love me. I guess if I wanted more or something I could ask, but I feel shame when I have to ask for things from my parents. I got a book off my dad's kindle. That was way cool. I am spoiled and can be a c*nt I guess because I compare myself to my siblings. I hate it when I get like this. I should be happy no matter what. I am grateful for what I have. This ptsd feeling sucks! My thoughts become negative. It's just a bad few days...... I will control myself. I will control my thoughts. I will not let my emotions dictate my thoughts. I will try to go numb before I think more bad thoughts. I hate days like this I feel like a freak. I'm stuck in my head. I am smiling for my family in visiting but hurting inside. I don't want them to know. My trauma and suffering has hurt them enough. Duck this sucks.

 

[Placebo]

Contemplation is good. A person can say love with all the obnoxious hate in their heart so the words mean nothing. It will be their bad karma in the end, even if like my own karma it doesn't show up for lifetimes. Anything put out into the world comes back, or has to be held on some level within your being. There are people suffering in poverty in sweatshops working 16 hour days. Some of them will be or have been tortured. In a world so brutal I am responsible only for my own self. I am not responsible for the lack of compassion others have. The people suffering and working have made some of the clothes I wear. Nike uses sweatshops without a care. Their spokes people and shareholders are very wealthy. While these people do not care it is my responsibility as a compassionate person to do what I can. I can meditate on their happiness. I can extend living compassion to people I am around. I can do things within my grasp to make the world a better place. I can contemplate self cherishing wishing for my happiness above all else as the root of my suffering. I am reading about torture all over the world, and I know I'm not alone. In fact most of the world is suffering. Not having clean water to drink. Child sweatshops. Exploitation, and wealth being made on others bad situations. People get wealthy selling hate about women, degradation to women, and over sexualizing women stating their core self is only within sex. People get wealthy selling poor people ignorance and keeping them stuck down in a cycle of poverty and ignorance. Modern day America is so confusing and about publicly shaming people by hypocrites who are cruel themselves. It's ok to do things one year, and not the next. It's hard to keep up with the trends and not get caught being a bad person. Who ever one chooses over politics makes them stupid and not good to the opposing opinion. There are over 51 genders and they all need to be honored while women just a few years ago were bitches and hoes on public radio. Underage girls were being over sexualized while child rape and incarceration reached an all time high. Now the me too movement and no one is responsible for their own past actions again publicly shaming others in the media. The news is bipolar and mental illness is at an all time high. Modern day America can drive one crazy if they pay attention and have not been fragmented by technology and the internet. Again the sweatshops and self centeredness can be seen in any given selfie. No wonder people are being victimised and abused. We're in a war with terrorism and support the troops in ideal speech with little to no support when they come home. Our ideals are so high until we get tested with what matters oh wait we have to stop caring about the world and others for yet another selfie. Oh but wait their starving in parts of Latin America while the USA just took part in a coup in Honduras but f*ck am if they are being victimised by what s left the gangsters with guns in power as the government scrambles to get back after the chaos that just occured.
I'm not the only one tortured, but my self cherishing makes me only aware of the unfairness of my pain. The lack of power and loss of safety in my own home in my own body in a society that was founded in liberty and we said the pledge of allegiance as a kid "and justice for all." In my disillusionment of the world I thought I knew I only wished for the illusion to be returned before my psychological twisting and overbearing powerlessness made me so small, so helpless with no voice or true friend. 52 genders and I can't offend a single one, but my femininity ment nothing when everything was said and done. Reduced to tits and ass, sex and nothing else. I was a thing to be ridiculed and hurt because it was funny while I went into a psychosis because no one yelled stop, no one would respect my fear humiliation and pain. A big bang to heroin addicts, pot heads, alcoholics, but I was the druggie whore who deserved it in the end the people paid to protect me worshiped the ones with loud voices and after falling with ptsd called me a little bitch to my face laughing with sadistic glee. Money can buy you anything I have no, but I'm not alone. Most of the world is right besides me jealous I live in America the land of milk and honey. Let's face it even some of our homeless are obese. There are people in Africa begging to eat out of our trash cans. Yet my self cherishing tells me this is wrong that I have to be a victim all alone. I will meditate on compassion like my hero's the monks. Coming out of a prison in China with nothing but love. They do not have ptsd. They take the experience as a reason to feel more compassion and more love more happiness within themselves to give to the world and anyone. I need the discipline to meditate, but I did meditate at one time for 8-12 hours a day. For months I worked on my schizophrenia pulling myself into my core. Before I did that I fought the voices with my thought being smart and pointing out how they were obviously wrong. As I shut them down they started to go away, but things were said like "sometimes there are no happy endings" and how obnoxious I was in my pain. I can do this. I always thought I was stupid, but school is easy, and I enjoy learning. I am not alone! And if women can get better who have been shot in their female baby making place instead of raped singing songs with other survivors as I read in an article. Then I can find freedom and liberation from this crazy ass world. America is a mind f*ck to live in. We have no clue about the world outside, and you have to dig for information to be informed. We also according to a lot of the world play up victimization by focusing of the suffering of the past. I did have a chemistry change in my brain during and after the trauma, but after world war one soldiers coming back had such bad ptsd they couldn't walk, some couldn't talk, some shook nonstop, but they found treatments to get better. I can use all my resources to get better too. I can get sad thinking about the 20 years I lost, or I can go forward and what the duck else was I going to do with my life? I could have died honestly and maybe the ptsd kept me from doing something that would have paralysed me or something. I heard on npr a story of a guy who because of a wave in the ocean ended up paralyzed below the neck. His ocean vacation was because he had just graduated Harvard and was engaged. He was a good guy and in an instance lost everything. He still found a way to live and was emotionally ok. I can do this ptsd doesn't have to be for life. Yes it may be, but I shouldn't get suicidal ideation like I have. Some day psychological torture is the worst. I will say psychological torture made me physically hurt a lot, but it was mainly the schizophrenia that followed the trauma that caused my body to hurt. Although some of the trauma made me feel like my body was turning into sharp metal. A pain so bizzar I can't bring words to it as I've never heard of that kind of pain. It felt like my body had turned to metal or stone with electricity. I know it was emotional pain maybe because I didn't understand what was happening. Maybe because I was humiliated as part of my trauma. I thought I was so low and hated I would be left alone by them as they were disgusted with me. Why stalk something you find disgusting and unplesant? Hate is an interesting thing. When some part of you thinks gets brainwashed into thinking you deserve it and your suffering to get blown out of your mind with too many conflicting emotions one of which is fear no place to hide. No place to be safe. Laughter and sexual humiliation with degradation while physically even the safe spaces in your mind seem to be violated, life was tough, but again I need to remember I'm not alone. Torture cuts you off from the world inside. That's something I can fix. I'm not powerless over myself anymore. I'm not alone. Most people in the world have nothing no resources. Maybe I can sleep now. I was ok with the family tonight. Quiet but ok. I cried hidden in the bathroom tonight after dinner and that helped a lot. sometimes you have to let the body get it out so it can let go of the pain.

 

[Placebo]

Reading and educating myself about other people who have been tortured is helping. I am one of many people who have been tortured who like me didn't deserve it. Torture doesn't work on interrogations better than just strict scrutiny, and it doesn't make people do what one wants. Most times it just breaks a person rendering them useless.
Reading also about ptsd has made me love my dad even more. He was an interpreter in Vietnam for interrogations working with the cia back then. While he himself didn't put a man through what he said "put them in so much scrutiny they have to tell you just short of torture" my dad scientifically and statistically would suffer ptsd more so. What makes it further more worse is the way Vietnam troops were perceived at the end and after the way. My dad also was over there with the Vietnamese training their troops (a poor rag tag army according to him), so killing Vietnamese wasn't like killing something foreign and inhuman to him. He knew the culture and saw them as human.
I wish I had more time with my dad to make my own self hatred and normal side effect of torture hurting the family afterwards up to him. Make it all better, but for the most part he has had a happy life, out of 80 years maybe 20 (my childhood years) were the worst.
My self cherishing and self centeredness seeing the world mainly from only my two eyes perception has caused me to suffer more than I need to. The psychological effect of torture further exacerbated my suffering as for so many years I took on my childhood role of being the problem the one causing trouble. Therapy has changed that perception. And, according to my siblings thank God I went to rehab at such a young age without being totally at fault by running away as my mom quit drinking age was bad bad before she quit. And, yes my dad had issues with me and treated me differently, but I was also the only kid he couldn't dominate with his amazingly strong internal power.
Yes, I was tortured, but it's nothing short of the hell people face in some prisons. Not to long ago a man was boiled to death and no political person cared it was slowly over hours, and he had been badly abused in prison for years before. In fact the guards who did it continued to work getting promotions until public pressure caused them to quit with no legal repercussions.
I think the Buddhist monks are on to something other than as proven being able to change their brain chemistry and function through meditation. Compassion and love, feeling happiness for all sentient beings can change the world for the people around you. How else does one fight the suffering of the past, but create good emotional states to feel now.
Sociopaths work to get in power, and often times power tends to corrupt. I don't expect anyone in power to change the world for the better. It's got to be up to the individual self. Even our government seeks to justify torture when it is scientifically and historically (we've tortured throughout human history) proven not to work. Physics proves that all energy is somehow interconnected, what good is my continued suffering doing except adding to suffering in the world.
Some.people are shit inside producing bad emotions within them selves and pushing them on others. Laughter at another's suffering and causing pain calling it love is an obnoxious way to hate another human being. You can say "love you" with all the cold cruelty inside. Being cold and sociopathic with a smile while producing the emotion of dominating anger close to hate was confusing for me a few years ago. Confusion leaves an open place for others to creep in and blame you for their bad insides, and actions, their hate and anger and sharp emotions cutting you up. this is a part of torture when you can't get away from it confined to a powerless reality not being able to protect yourself at all. The mind is often defenseless when your not a bad person being assaulted by those who are beyond your comprehension like the mad hatter in Alice in wonderland except their madness comes from cruelty and justifications that no being above can comprehend. Power corrupts and functioning sociopaths or sadist often work to get into positions with power to get away with the things they can do to others. No remorse only saying what they need to go seem like a good person so other do t see the truth inside. Narcissist are created in today's society they can do no wrong it's all someone else's fault. I'm exhausted ptsd for a few days always leaves physical pain. I can handle the physical today as it's a welcome reprieve from the emotional pain the flashbacks bring. In fact the physical exhaustion and pain usually means my ptsd is subsiding. I will continue to meditate today. Maybe for a few hours. The worst thing about groups of men mixed with a few women attacking you is they no longer see you as human your just an object for them to show off to each other. They push each other further while one on one you have a chance to defend yourself groups never let you do that they don't stop. One on one people tend to be more human in groups against one your so degraded to a thing it is difficult not to take the perpetrators view yourself because if so many people can do this, see this, treat you a certain way, then how can your view of your humanity be correct, you must be wrong. Your inhuman and nothing which the purpose of torture is to do this to someone. Groups of men can take turns and justify doing things to a person that they them selves would kill someone if it was done to there sister or kid. When it's groups against some one the sadistic nature of what's being done gets lost with the justification of all your friends.
if even our government justifies torture and the cia a agency with the word "intelegence" can chose to ignore the intellect of so many scientist them why should I expect any one else to not.do the same. After all the government is a reflection of the people regardless of what we chose to tell ourselves. It has no political vote "the bureaucracy" and it may shift but doesn't change much as presidents the executive branch comes and goes. sometimes getting into a position can make you a psychopath as the culture cultivates the individuals within. A person can only for alone and that I guess is the moment of truth. No culture surrounding you in your old age just a lie you tell yourself of who you were. I suppose that's how people who condone tortures in official government capacity make it all ok in the end. They live in a lie. They hold illusion so dear to their heart they protect it and nurture it only to disassociate themselves from the reality of who and what they truly are. I think sociopaths often work to get into power and it's getting worse and worse as technology give a them more power more control. I think people can justify doing something to one person especially when group mind backs them up. Most people are to weak and scared to fight sociopaths in power so it just keeps going on. I just saw today another successful person killed themselves. I've fought it for so long, and attempts I made in the past were miracles I survived. I fight suicide now when the ptsd is bad. It's like a rebellion against the ones who pushed for me to do it. The ones who would have killed themselves if they were me. I'm fighting a small rebellion even if only it's in my heart. I wonder if my non-conformity to what they wanted me to be makes me more human? I fought to be a human and not a whore. My rebellion makes me want to go even further to follow the monks I have read about and keep compassion even though my perpetrators think it makes me weak and small. Any joy and happiness I feel now is what I have earned through hard work. Joy and happiness were never handed to me free of charge. I have fought through my DID internal hallucinations and I worked hard for that. I can say I have no sides or alternative egos I only have my one core self. I don't have to split myself up into sides that can act horribly or good to justify a self cherishing selfish being who only cares about themselves in the end. I am always fighting a small rebellion against people in the world who justify the dehumanization of me. I guess even within myself torture leaves scares in the mind that have to be removed somehow and non -conventional means have been successful for me. If I had stayed with the shrinks that got a hold of me is be drooling and hallucinating still. They wouldn't believe me or help me just said your crazy take this pill. You have no right to feel what your feeling take this pill your crazy. Sometimes people don't want to believe you or else it might upset their fragile mental world.
So many people in the world get tortured and live tortured lives. I am not better than them I believe in equanimity so why not me get tortured I'm just one person alive. It's not personal it's about those in power not me. They can be better than everyone they can be sociopathic and narcissistic and yes maybe it was their good karma to be born into what they have. What about the next life? If you believe in karma how can you deny the next life? What did you do when you were in power? Self charishing always wants more. Justifications happen and self illusion is hard to get over. I work on that one, and hope by being free of my own self cherishing I no longer justify my own selfishness.
Well it's a diary, so I'm writing in it. I was never allowed to be a kid from 13 on even though I was a kid. I made up for it the past decade or.so and now I'm playing catch up, but in my defense being tortured into an odd form of adolescent DID a lot of my adult years I had to work on other things than money and careers and school and relationships. I had to work on finding a way to heal damage from the past. I guess I just waisted a decade but honestly with my ptsd I just did what I could. I was so ducking lost and gaslighted. I didn't know if what happened to me was a hallucination like everyone said it was. I was hurt again and their power was obvious I have no power in the face of those people they can do whatever they want to me, but that power is what made it torture. You can't torture someone without an imbalance of power. To be tortured you have to be powerless and all the crying or insanity or pain doesn't make them stop. sadism is when another's pain makes one laugh and in my case made them continue I was less than human but again that's what real torture is about. I did put myself into a bad position as a kid. I understood some of it but the most powerful people involved I guess I couldn't understand. If I had a friend they would have told me when the predator I trusted was putting me through bad things. I had issues as a kid, but was waiting for me to have some power to be 18 and be able to get help. Seems like predators love young girls no one gives a f*ck about the powerless. What do I expect from a society that worships cool, money, power, Hollywood (which barely now has a me to movement,but that is being swept under the rug), and ego? Torture isn't just for third world countries our own government does it in the prison system and other places. The people in charge aren't above it. They like it honestly. Justifications seem to always win out. It's never anyone's responsibility of problem. I've run across a lot of ego in my life and the egomaniacal people that saw me as easy prey have sociopaths with power behind them. Groups on one teenage girl your damn right it was torture. Others who have gone through it have killed themselves even with a safe place to hide. I don't kill myself but I did end up with an odd form of DID. I call it schizophrenia even though it technically can't be classified as that because in healing using a DID protocol no medication and only meditation it stopped. Psychological torture is unique in that eventually it hurts your body badly but not a finger was laid on you. The mind does all kinds of things to protect itself denial, fighting, grasping to the illfusion of safety when your not; until the torture wears you down and then your mind turns against you becoming the perpetrator itself. After you can't run and can't hide your hopeless confused helpless demoralized down to nothing and suffering beyond your ability to cope, the mind left alone in this state turns on itself because that is all that's left of yourself. I have worked hard just to survive. Many have killed themselves with out a fight. But, in reality I am the type of person to say f*ck you to someone torturing me until I'm overpowered into a psychosis and I probably went into a psychosis because I wouldn't conform to what those with power wanted. I wanted to be a human and not a whore. My shrink who was a cop said they probably wanted to sell my sex and put me on drugs. She did work a few stings. She said it happens they want to control you and sell you as a sex object while they drug you up. I was set up by a predator who lied to me for a year. By the time I found out what he did it was too late to protect myself. I had no safe place to hide and my parents with shrinks told me I was crazy and needed medication. No one would help me. No one would come down to my level and say are you ok. I was tortured into a position where even my mind turned on me.
I've never talked about this stuff outside of my one shrink. It always came out as nonsense because talking about the actual incidence was to much. I am now just able to put words to the effects it had on me. Education and my own research is helping. Understanding that in America we have boiled a man alive in prison and allowed it to happen with no justice helps me put my own suffering into perspective. My self cherishing is somehow just saying what about me because it leads to self centeredness during my own happiness above everything else. I need to work on self compassion growing up I hated myself. I took in the views of others and allowed them to determine how I felt about myself.
I think I got it all out for now

 

[Placebo]

Finally stopped having nightmares last night. Slept in till 12 noon. Fight or flight anxiety not pumping through my body. I realized last night some of my fear is of ever doing drugs again. Hell is where God is not, and their is no God in heavy drugs. I ramble on and on when I'm in the throws of ptsd in my head not out loud. I get depressed, and have tunnel vision to only see the negative aspects of my world.
Now that I'm better (but I am aware of needing to be gentle with myself for the next few days) I can meditate, and work in the good times, or non ptsd times on recovery from the past. Yes I was driven insane, it hurt like no pain I have heard described, and so I lack words for it, but I did not stay insane and I have had amazing personal spiritual experiences that only my Buddhist monk friend has been able to teach me that I am not alone, and they actually have words and other people who have experienced this on several religions. So, if I am insane in those amazing mystical blessings at least i am not alone, and can find literature that explanes it exactly. Understanding the blessings I've had as well as the pain helps keep me going.
So what if my dad bought my sister a better car for the than me in fact twice as much. He bought me a car at all, and so many people I know have less than nothing after trauma with no education and no was out of their cycilcic existace of poverty in multiple areas of their life. I can find joy in my sister's happiness and beauty and good life. I am blessed to be able to go to her house sometimes that looks like it belongs in a sunset magazine, or better homes and gardens. I get to be in a beautiful surrounding that many will never get to be in. Living in the ghetto has allowed me to be greatful when otherwise I would not be. I am so lucky I just moved. I did get shot at again where I used to live, but it didn't bother me because it was so close up and went right above my head if he wanted me dead I would be dead. I was ok with still living there after that, but the loud neighbors that moved in right across the way bothered me more. And, a guy I know got beat up really bad with a bat and a gun to his head just for wearing a blue sweatshirt, again I moved into a u
luxurious apartment just last week with a garbage disposal, dishwasher, back porch that I can see the tips of mountains on clear days, and no major major stuff like getting shot at for being white. I got 2 a's and a b in school. Life is good again. I can work on healing my ptsd. They said I would always hear voices, they said 80% of people with my diagnosis kill themselves. Well I'm still alive and no longer hear voices inside my head torturing me. I can get over ptsd. I will get over ptsd. I can do this.

 

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I didn't know if I was hallucinating for 21 years. If go back and forth I was hallucinating or not. How could people do that to what was a 15-16 year old when it happened? I lost 20 years of my life so gaslight and confused the trauma ended up being much longer than it had to be. Yeah grown ads men like little teenage girls. I'm just so glad I'm to old for the predators now. A lot has happened to me and because of the MPD/DID hallisinations telling me to shut up constantly I was quiet for most of my life unless I'm rambling.
I am just so greatful for getting deeply into spirituality as a young child. I ran through ceremonial magic before I was 12, and just got into meditation. My spirituality has helped me survive when I hated myself so badly because of bullying and life circumstance. I hurt myself pretty bad. I exaurated my flaws, and saw only the negative of me. I got my first real boyfriend and he was a predator a 26 year old using 16 year old girls for lunch money all the while saying he loved them and he would watch out for them. I've been called a redneck and hillbilly piece of shit because my dad's parents were from Oklahoma, and I was white. And, to top it all off just this year I realized a mustang is a horse and not just a car. I think at 17 I couldn't comprehend the sexual exploitation of my situation so I just shut down. If I had been stupid I wouldn't have gotten the power play of "call me" you crawl to me and then I'll f*ck you, and treat you like all the bitches and hoes we've talked about before. I remember what was happening right at this time. The oaklhoma city bombing with all the babies who had died was shocking, the OJ Simpson trial, and a few other things. Remembering the time period in history I was so brutally traumatised through I guess I was just a kid mentally looking back, but I did understand psychological things that just didn't make sense of the reaction to what that predator and others had done to me. Why scream at a kid sexual things when obviously are traumatized by the shock of betrayal in trust. Anyway I am quiet except for writing which I like doing. I just want to get better and help others. Spiritually grow, and find deep healing. I am not a slave in Libya and I am not starving in Honduras. I live in America and I will always understand that is my good karma. Its odd to live with such a bipolar government completely benevolent on one side, and torturing people in the name of terrorist on the other. Obese homeless people, and tortured prisoners. A bipolar country in every sense of the word. I just need to ground so I am not oscillating in the poles of reality they shove in our faces when we choose to look. I will be greatful for the benevolence, and go from there.

 

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Not all men are men of honor. And, that I've just allowed to be what it is. I always thought people were what they said they were. I guess it is what it is.

 

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When I was a kid getting bullied and spit on I wanted to be mentally strong. My dad and brother always played the game "just giving you a hard time" which is making fun of you and things about you until your break and show either frustration or sadness or anger. So, I decided to not show the bullied how it affected me. If I didn't react that would mean I was strong. I just got really quiet and cold and zoned out and tried to ignore it. I thought being strong was being cold, unmoveable, nonreacting. But, I just held it all in. Pushed it down. If show up in little ways like anger at my parents for my mom's drinking and my dad's "just giving you a hard time" game. My brother bullied me in front of the two boys that lived in the block with me that were only a few years younger than me. My brother was 20 and I was 10. He would call me fat, or say my nick name was cheesy because I was so far if eat a hunk of cheese on the toilet and say the smell doesn't bother me. That's why he nicknamed me cheese. But, looking back we had just moved to a new town, and he was insecure, he had his own issues from our parents who did the best they could.
I held stuff in, but if flip out and cry sometimes when my dad would yell at me for something I did. I pushed my mom when she was drunk once, but not hard. I took one friend home in the bus with me, and she got bullied so bad she cried and cried and would never come back to my house. When they were bullying her about her jacket (the older 8th graders who were 13) she stood up for herself and they just flipped until she was sobbing they then called her a cry baby and walked off. I got her to stop crying, and told her to just ignore it, but she had never really been bullied before for it really bothered her. I didn't understand why she couldn't just ignore it. Why she would let them make her sad. I realize now that holding it in and because it was at home and school I internalized everything. I hated myself so much for so many years. I was self distructive, and if not I was allowing others to hurt me or treat me badly because I had no selfesteem. I lied in one halfway house to counselors because I was to ashamed of the bullying. Really ashamed, and was afraid they would say what my dad used to say "oh it's just kid shit" he did try to stick up for me once, but got absolutely no where with the school. I kept it in and flipped out at 16-17 after a predator continued to crush me. He exaggerated how gross I was, and at the end of our relationship just ducking trashed me. I was spun out or detoxing from speed when I just sobbed and sobbed about how much I hated myself. I said my boobs were uneven one floppy and the other pointing up (but honestly it wasn't that bad) everything was warped and worse in my mind. My left boob was bigger than my right boob, but with working out my left side a little more my brest evened out. I was just a stupid kid. It wasn't as bad as I made it out to be crying to God with no hope. I just hated myself. I thought I was ugly, stupid, crazy, and no good. Every time I ever got in trouble my parents sent me away. My sister got supper drink at 14 and was just on restriction, but didn't have two older siblings and her parents focusing on her weight, and what was wrong with her. To be fair I've always been not as good as my sister. She did the same stuff I did, she just didn't run away to hide from the bullies at school. Again I held everything in, and didn't have the ability to express myself or get help as a kid. I just would hold shot in until I'd blow then hold it in again.
I was thinking today. I believe in equanimity in some ways within people. No homeless person, or other tortured person, or poor person is less than me. We are all human beings with the human condition, but I do believe my siblings are better than me. I'm related to them, so I mean that's that. But, I believe they are better. My dad calls my friends wierdos, and nut jobs (except one from ventura, and one he calls party time). My brother called them freaks in the past when me met them, and shrugged us all off. My brother has always shrugged me off after high school. I'll never be good enough to hang out with him in public or with friends again. When I cleaned the shit out of his apartment in the bay area and have him a ride to the bar one soda in when his friends started showing up he told me to just go back to his apartment, and was pushy about it. That was 17 years ago though. Now he just lives far away. Last time he came out and I was working he told me I was one step away from the trailer park laughing. It was just a hard time. I don't talk much around him anymore. He is awesome and I know he's funny and has a good job and works really hard. I have never told him about the hurt, but when I was 23 he once gave me $500 and said he was sorry for what he did to me as a kid (he kinda tortured me and made me clean the house when I was 4-5 and he was 14, but what parent lets their young teenage son watch a kid from 3-6 monday - friday. Plus it was the early 80's the world was more punk rock, and kids were harder back then. I think my sister and brother will always be better than me in someways, but I still love them very much. They had different karma than me. My sister had a stay at home mom till she was about 11. My brother had a stay at home mom till he was 13 almost 14. Mom was awesome during the day until she drank at night.
Everyone is better now. They have moved on and are doing well except for the suffering of ageing. I am honestly happy for them.
I missed being on an antipsychotic today. The joy of being comfortably numb is gone. It made it so I couldn't think, and just existing was ok, but I did function on the bare minimum of what I did in life. Sleep 9 hours minimum a day. Watch reruns of the same tv show for 2+ hours a day. Go to 3 classes at school. And do an hour or two of homework most days. An AA meeting two days a week to socialize and weekends at my parents house. I did get fat as hell on the antipsychotic and picked my nose on it for some reason I still can not understand but I felt good about being gross. I've lost 7lbs and no longer pick my nose the past month off of it.
I didn't know what happened in my life for a long time. I'd get ptsd ripping pain every so often in the spring, and if I was high 24/7 on hash or weed with herbs lots of herbs to give me energy and avoid burn out and be skinny id go into psychosis, but that herb and weed thing only happened twice. The rest of the time of just cry in my ptsd.
I have found a way to describe the pain I felt (kind of) like electricity running around my stomach, and/or heart, and sometimes with a dizzy head ache all together. It's a sharp electrical pain like somehow your body has a tiny metal wire in your blood vains and that is being electrocuted. For a long time it hurt when I breathed and I would feel like I was on a boat rocking. No center of balance. I'm glad that's over, but I can remember the physical pain to well. I was just a kid. 5 months into being 17 when the result of life happened. The results of the bullies hating me they did say they hated me as a kid. They never ever even said hi to me, and their friends who honestly called me a redneck, actress, and kept referencing that people had watch me have sex as their entertainment show. I had only been in a normal school for a year and a half. I had no idea what other people were doing. I minded my own business. If they hated me then that was ok I just left them alone so they could go be happy. I never tried to take their happiness away. I did flip the f*ck out after everything was said and done for about a week or two hating those kids and my ex predator boyfriend. But after that I stopped hating because it is weakness to hate. I felt a lot of shame. I found out that a lot of people are non empathetic sociopaths. I didn't like feeling like Alice in wonderland. Nothing making sense as people had a year to talk to me, and anyone could have told me my predatorial boyfriend were letting people watch us have sex after giving me drugs and using my lunch money to buy beer for me. No one ever really helped me they did more harm than good, and women and teenage girls kill themselves for less. But, being born a woman is my bad karma. We live in a patriarchal society where men rule, and it's all my fault. I am to blame. It was all my fault. I am the bad person. I am the stupid one. I deserve it for trusting someone who told me they love me, and fought for me anytime I broke up with them.
I need a therapist but it's hard to find one I don't run circles around as I have been in therapy for a long time, and my last therapist was an ex cop so she loved to play detective (finding causes, conditions, and solutions) with mental health was a PhD, but she got really old and to personal with me and the last year it wasn't going anywhere. She talked half the session about her life, and me about mine. She retired anyway at 79. I've tried others that are just not good. Basic, and young with little life experiences comparably to mine.
Anyway whatever. I don't know why I'm keeping a diary. I wrote for years and it didn't do any good. Although this seems to help me put my thoughts away for the next 24 hours on the subject. I may erase this account. I don't know. It seems to help me, but it could be my own stupidity once again not caring until someone is cutthroat enough to be cruel. I understand the idea of being above someone. Ok your better than me I get it. It's been proven in my life that I have really bad karma with good karma to be born in a wealthy country. My bad karma means that maybe in this life time it is appropriate for people to lack compassion for my position of constitution in this life. I am trying to find away to be grateful that my karma from previous lives is being extinguished with only this much pain as the lesson. They are selling slaves in Libya as Hillary Clinton is staying she came she saw he died (talking about our help in the coup) and laughing while people suffering from America's other wars just trying to find a way to a better world are being sold in open space markets. I do have good karma I am blessed to have. I am trying to get a job as a basic social worker so I can work hopefully with the mentally ill. Or maybe just be a paper pusher that can somehow do the paperwork for someone to have a better life, now or later. I would like to be a positive influence somehow in my life. I am not a slave in Libya. I am not a refugee. I'm just a female who was made useless and thrown away. I am grateful that this has been the extent of my negative karma. I just have mentally been sadistic, curel, unbending, uncafing, above others, and any law made, but not to physically barbaric in my past lives. The most of my physical pain has all been through emotional anguish. I am blessed that limbs have not been cut off like some people in africa. I have known about the outside world for most of my life, but honestly until I got on the internet in 2005 ish had no idea about the things done to women in our country. Monica Lewinsky was a big deal, and I remember how the woman was at fault while we couldn't blame the man. Men will be men, but women are not to be given much mercy. Also the "birches and hoes" generation grew up, so it's to be expected that revenge porn was all the rage for a while. Using sex to hurt women an emotional suffering, and not a hand laid upon them was ok. Sex is used to hurt women and teenage girls a lot. All we are is walking boobs and butts that should like being objectified over sexualized. Why is it repression of we don't want to have sex? Maybe were not repressed we just don't like anyone like that. I wasn't repressed in high school. I was a kid and I didn't like anyone like that. The last thing I wanted to think about was sex but no one would stop shoving it in my face. I need a therapist.

 

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I've got some free time and things are popping in my head. I was told and expected to have a smile on my face and be nice to every person I see when over half the people I saw were sexually harassing me or laughing at how stupid I was. I was gaslighted out of my mind as I tried to get help.from shrinks and counselors who all said I was crazy it wasn't or didn't happen to me, in and off psych meds honestly just trying to survive. I tried to get support my best and only friend had just moved and was all about the f*ck you I've got my own issues thing. Smile and be nice while we continually talk about you having sex with your first boyfriend and having oral sex. Oh by the way we can see you in your house even though you can't see us. You just want to be left alone because your scared, ashamed, hurt, and need help or at least time to get better, but people are blowing out your emotions and brains while your ashamed, horrified, a little euphoric at times but mostly confused wondering if you are schizophrenic or schezoidaffective, and thinking you must be because wouldn't your best friend call you to support you and help you? Wouldn't your brother be there for you? Your parents? Wouldn't someone support you instead of saying your crazy from beginning to end. My dad used institutions as a way to raise me. I was sent away and I was bad never my mom for being an alcoholic, and he never saw his anger when I was going growing up. Anyway whatever. I didn't smile like a good girl and anyone who should have helped me like professionals who should have helped me with coping and emotional support said I was crazy and needed drugs, and I didn't even tell they half of it just about the boys in school and my boyfriend who set it up. They said that was crazy no I e had watched me I was schitzophrenic, but I have to smile and be nice while I'm dieing inside. I did go into a f*cking trauma induced medication psychosis. I still scream on depakote and lithium I get the side effects of serious anger, or suicidal depressed. I tried them alternating for years and that was when I heard voices and sobbed constantly. I got off the shrink meds for my emotions a bit together went to work and they came back only this time laughing with heroin addicts calling it a big bang. I felt so ducking crazy. I was convinced I was hallusinating. I knew the neighbors all ignored me and I was kicked out of about almost all social situations in that town but it had been like that from 10 years old on. Everyone was so quiet. I assumed I had been hallucinating because for years I did hallucinate I did hear voices. I got laughed at sometimes and pointed at by some of the guys in school or mad dogged (stink eyed). BUt, it had been like that from 10 on. Ok they hated me and they broke me. I was an adult I should be able to work and get better and someday move and it would be ok right. Then the heroin addicts and the big bang comments, and the laughing at me. laughing at a teenage girl..... I was older 22 years old. I had a job. I bought a jeep. I thought I could be free someday. I thought I was getting free. Around the time of the heroin addicts I got raped by a co-worker. It wasn't violent but I couldn't get out or leave with out putting out. I did say no I pushed off his hands. I did made sure he knew it wasn't consentual. But, whatever. That was hard enough the big bang heroin addicts just pushed me over the edge. Sex, rape, unconsentual things kept happening. I ended up trying to kill myself yet again. I was out in a mental hospital because while I don't remember it I told the hospital "I don't want to kill myself I have to kill myself to protect myself." They lock you up for a few weeks for That stuff.
I can't wait till school starts. This new place doesn't feel like home and moving is hard on me. I guess I'll be ok. I'm getting better. I'm starting to accept this has been my karma from this and many past lives. I am irresponsible for others actions or reactions to me. At least I'm not in that place I was for 21 years. Going back and forth on what was real and what was not. How much as a hallucination as the voices I heard deep in my mind not outside of my body were a bad hallusination. The voices used to say all kinds of cruel stuff. Once I was in my living room smoking in the chiminy because I didn't like to go outside a lot after my house became a stage for others sick entertainment. I put out my smoke stood up and as clear as a bell a man's voice inside my head said "sometimes there are no happy endings" and I knew it was about my life. It ducked me up. I was like 19 or 20. I didn't know until I was about 25 that I would never have kids because of what happened to me. I would never be normal and good enough to have them, or have a husband who would love me. About a year and a half later I decided to get into a gay relationship. I thought maybe that's why God didn't let me have kids and wouldn't let me have kids (I also just don't get pregnant I never did with no birthcontrol) because so was exposed to be gay. I grew a lot in the five years she was in my life, but woman or man the pattern didn't change. I gave what I had freely took care of them and put them first. I also got with an abusive person. She wasn't as bad, but she gave me a lot of hard times..... Lesson was learned with that one. Life is to hard with out a hard time given, and I don't give others a hard time so I shouldn't get one. I grew a lot though and guess I had to go through that one. She wasn't a fraction as bad a s the predator even if she got a lot more of my money and love.