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- #109
5am and the first thing I think about was what happened just 3 years ago. I stopped myself from getting upset, and just got out of bed instead. I have a cold which sucks. Dry hacking hurts. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Nothing good ever came about it. I was hurting seriously bad as they played stalked and expected me to be mentally stable enough and not in serious pain over what happened. I had been stalked and voyered for how long? Most of my childhood that bullies spit on me through. And my childhood I wanted to leave behind so badly was etched into my core being forever because of that. I'm just some small town reject and they made sure it would hurt forever. I didn't know the government hurt people like that. I hung out with my brother for a very short time before my peers blew me up telling me I wasn't cool until that guy Scott ducked me. My brother said I couldn't hang out anymore because I was too young. Everyone told me I was to young except gangsters that hang out with the cia and presidents. Monika Lewinsky got more shi t than me, but she also could hide in Europe because she had money and finish school. She publicly got shi t all over the country and still does. I am glad I didn't sleep with any married men in my life, or anyone that high up. We both got shit over blow jobs though. I have a lot of empathy and compassion for her one mistake ruled her life, and I guess it does for a lot of people. I'm not alone there. I don't feel right watching tv anymore like it's wrong now. That's ok most people are brainwashed by that thing becoming consumers and not individual people. Honestly if I put my life in perspective of the truth I guess what happened to me could have been worse. In a prison in Florida a man was boiled to death alive. He had mental problems and should have been in a mental institution, but our prisons seem to be that now days, so I guess he was. Someone pages attention to hurting me or getting revenge on me for saying f*ck the boys club while our society is partially living in hell. I fell for the brainwash in my 30's as I couldn't remember those few months shit hit the fan with my life. Then I got horrible confused flashbacks at 35 and lost it again thinking I was mentally ill and crazy blowing what the guys in that town did to me. My boobs were not as bad as I made them out to sound when I was crying an d loosing it in my back yard. But I also wasn't done going through puberty until I was 19 or so. I got so much shi t for having uneven boobs and not wanting a boob job. I wanted someone to love me for me and not treat me like shi t back then. I was the family scapegoat and the focus of everything bad from 4 on when my mom started picking on me and making me diet. I was a little chunky as a kid but I have a ton of pictures it wasn't that bad. Not enough to obsess over my weight anyway but She did. She was also a raging alcoholic back then. My dad had military pts d and would rage my whole life until I turned about 15 and by then the damage was done. I had a really really bad first 12 years of my life. Really bad. My sister had to babysit me from 4 on and has always been a total bitch about it. She was a bi tch back then about it and is a bitch now about it. She is my parents princess though and they bought her a car twice as much as mine because she is brand conscious they said. A hyndi isn't good enough for her. While they bought her that she shops and gets a 200 dollar hair job every 6-8 weeks, and gets her nails done and gets coach purses and goes on vacations. She always had it like that compared to me. When we moved to that town my mom spent a bunch of money on her school close and almost none on mine. My parents expected me to clean, but honestly I don't like living in a dirty house so I cleaned. My mom still is to lazy to clean and always has been. I told my uncle I cleaned their house and my mom said excuse me I clean the house. It bothered me a lot and hurt my feelings a lot. But, whatever. Just a life pattern I've had. I still want to be liberated from the life cycle. Even though I'm kicking back in my expectations of myself with Buddhism I still want to never be born or exist again. This life time is enough. ANnd, they say that in Buddhism being a human in earth is a blessing because this is the place we realize that as things are more intense and dense feeling than in other dimensions with extreme duality so we can have a desire to be free. It won't be heaven for me being it is like earth and the people above me are always above me. Life goes by quick and no one can keep me alive forever. It'll be over sooner than I thought. And while saying the N word is "the unforgiven" in life while other sick shi t happens all the time. I guess I will always be the unforgiven and others don't need forgiveness as they are never wrong. I am isolated by what happened to me. Isolation sucks.
