Not Sure How To End Recurring Dream

[Hashi]

I have recurring dreams of finding myself stuck

The two spiritual people told me in years past that what would be best for my family is for us to relocate... Come to think of it, I've been told this in various ways for various reasons.

I keep thinking I need to move away from here

We simply need to break away for so many reasons. I know it.

My T is near the larger more populated area that I want to move to. So it would mean I could afford and go to therapy. I can't here.

My H. was told a couple months ago that he'd be cut out of his volunteer police position if he wasn't comish'd by Dec. He got told in plain English, he's out as of Monday. Today he got told that "yes, we meant it that the program is ending."

Timing and the universe need to support the move. I trust that when it's right we'll know

Wow, Muse, how much more does the universe need to do before you know? Sounds to me like the timing is right now. :)

My suggestion is to be as open as you can in your job search in the new location. Identify your essential/minimum requirements in terms of salary, benefits, type of work etc and then be creative and flexible towards anything that meets the requirements. Don't be too fixed on one thing.

When I was looking for work I was attached to a rather narrow idea of what I wanted and I was very attached to one particular role that I hoped would become available to me. During that time, something prompted me to make a "wildcard" application for a job that I saw advertised. It wasn't the picture I had in mind and I wasn't an obviously strong candidate, but when I looked at salary, location, type of work etc I thought it was worth spending half an hour tweaking my CV (resume) and firing it off. Within ten days I'd had two interviews and had started work there! I knew I was meant to take the job, even though I'd originally set my sights on something completely different.

When the universe has decided to put us somewhere and we co-operate, things happen fast.

By the way, the role that I'd been attached to wasn't happening for me. It was delayed and delayed. Now, I'm very glad. It was more senior, more salary, seemed like a more sensible option. If that had meant to happen it would have happened. But it didn't. What happened was a job that is enough in terms of salary etc, but more importantly I can see it's good for my healing.

Good luck with your move! ;)

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah life is a struggle sometimes (or even most times)... and hard is hard. But growth is growth and without meaningful efforts hale and hardy soul/spirits are not made. Sometimes I go back and watch the fast motion video of a seed sprouting, rooting and breaking through the ground to the sunlight. I find it very helpful and illuminating:

 

[Powder]

I love all your replies. I feel like you are all the family that everyone wishes for, understanding and encouraging. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. XOXO

I know we've been in this place, a hard time.

Last night, my H. wanted intimacy and though exhausted, I made the decision to be loving and to enjoy his company. Then, this morning at 8:30 my little one and I woke up. I opened some curtains to make coffee in our very small house. My little one complained about the light hurting her eyes and told me to close everything up. (She was not blinking or closing her eyes, just complaining and bossing.) I gave her some suggestions about how to manage the light in the morning for herself.

My H. seemed to read my parenting as bullying. He growled that "everyone runs him in the house" and then forcibly growled louder. I don't do well at all when so exhausted that I become vulnerable sexually to him and then the next interaction is aggressive and negative. He walked off. I tried to continue making our coffees, but had a big cry in another room. He came in and said he didn't mean to make me cry, but that I needed to be yelled at because I'm a bully.

He basically thinks he can do no wrong and that it's right to take all his problems out on me. He sees himself and the kids as the victim of me and my PTSD. I see some point to that, but in many cases, it's attitudinal on his part and he's not an adult. I have to take on allt he a

 

[Powder]

I'm just done today. So done doing everything and feeling used and depleted by him. I'm tired of not having boundaries and being with someone with such high dependency needs who constantly undermines me in order to keep it going. My insecurities drew me to someone in an codependent style of relating, a victim who needs my strength, but how can I continue that way? In order to remain the victim, he has to make me, the giver and supporter and nurturer, out to be the bully.

Bully is the word he uses to me the last year. Over and over, he calls me a bully. I think that we have different styles of parenting, and he disapproves of my style and judges it as evil. His is flawless in his mind. Any time we disagree in our styles, he justifies his attack on me as justifiable because I'm a bad parent/bad person.

I think I have been believing him. Today, I see that I cannot live that way. I don't believe it. I am not a bully nor a bad parent. He may be projecting his self-hatred onto me in order to now have to fully process it. I guess that's what he's doing. But I can't live as his human punch bag. He can't blame all his victimhood on his disorder and blame his family for his choices and quality of life. Time and again, he does not take expectations and deadlines seriously and time and again fails, only to blame everyone for being unfair and insensitive.

 

[Leah123]

Huge huge hugs. I can relate to a lot of this, you've read my posts. I'm just sorry it's such a struggle to be clear, and to not have smooth sailing. We are gonna be the wisest, most badass, strong, empathic, powerful women for all this work, I tell you what. :)

 

[Powder]

I'm feeling like in my family of origin that was abusive, I didn't have a choice. I wanted to be separate and safe from them, but didn't even realize I could be free until lately. Then, I freed myself from the enslavement.

My 2nd T kept asking me about my current relationship with H. and I could only start crying if I were to lose it. I have always had a dual mind, wanting to keep him and not wanting him (wanting to be alone). I find it really hard to be in the relationship with both feelings strong.

I feel that I will never be at peace and will always feel stuck. I resent him because like my abusive family, I bonded with him back before I was "free/me." Now that I'm liberating myself from cords that keep me stuck, I feel stuck with him, like I didn't choose him with a unamimous vote. Parts of me never wanted him. Parts did. I don't seem to be able to merge all the parts and feel sure if I want to be alone or be with him.

I feel stuck with him, and I feel angry at him. But I'm really angry at myself for not having a consensus on whether or not I want to be married or live with him at all.

Because when he's been gone/away, I've noticed I feel more at peace, I interpret it at feeling better. And I do. But maybe the parts are not fighting over how to react to him when he's not around. When he's in my home/space, I usually feel a certain amount of love and a certain amount of wishing to be free of others.

This is really confusing to me. I don't feel like being with someone. And I've felt this so many times in our past. How will I ever feel of one mind about my most significant other? I am torn. I feel such pain in the relationship coming from inside that it hurts to be in love. I feel such a strong impulse to self-isolate and not feel feelings.

What made this feeling so overpowering is the sudden withdrawl of support from him on my relocation hopes/dreams. It is hard for me when I help myself by working on improving my life only to feel undermined by the one who would most benefit. I feel betrayed. That is the feeling. He doesn't want me to be successful. This takes me back to the old stuff we had in the past, when this happened before.

 

[Leah123]

Goodness, I could have written this post. I am so struggling with reevaluating my marriage. I'm giving it a few months to fully mull over but even that- waiting and watching seems incredibly hard and I am so upset at the thought of leaving my marriage, it sometimes seems unbearable to live in either situation, but yes, I'd be happier without him it seems lately. I don't know what to say to you, except...

I think, for me, it's important to trust myself, honor my feelings, be honest with myself and honest about myself, and have faith that things can be better, and try to keep being honest with my husband and not only expect a lot from myself but be comfortable having expectations for him too.

 

[Powder]

I seem to have unrelentingly negative outlook on my marriage every month about the same time. I have found PMS to really upset the PTSD "apple cart" with how I view him. It is confusing to me. I feel like a different person when I have PMS sometimes. Then, it passes, and things go back to normal.

While normal feeling, I am not as negative in my assessment of him and our life together. I don't know if this is part of PTSD or PMS.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Muse, I am dealing with virtually the same things in my marriage. My therapist keeps pushing me to talk about it but I am too frightened and dissociate as soon as we delve into the topic.

I also have dark days right before my cycle. It never used to be this bad. I notice all the things that annoy me about my hubby all the more on those days. That, and the chronic lack of affection or even acknowledgement hurts deeper.

There's a name for such a syndrome.

"Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation.
The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS)."

Source: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/007193.htm

 

[Powder]

Hi, Bloomin, Yes, I was diagnosed with this by a Doc I didn't disclose my PTSD to. What is confusing is when you have multiple diagnoses, or in my case these two.

I try to joke with my H about it and say he should win two awards for 15 years of marriage to a woman with both PTSD and PMDD! He comes back with saying that he never wanted to get married and do the whole family thing, but he was up for it with someone truly special, me. (AWWHH!) He can be very sweet, with his big baby blue eyes and dimples in both cheeks. :)

I tend to see him as the "enemy" about every other month. But really, it doesn't take much anyway for me to distrust my trust in anyone. This is something I keep working on. But I really could use getting back to therapy for support in many areas I need to grow in.

For example, I tend to think that my self-esteem is "normal" but then I get moments when I realize it is not. For instance, I read some of the letters of recommendation for my new job application, and I felt shame. Why would anyone think these good things about me, even if they are technically true. "I don't deserve positive thinking from others because something very essential is wrong with me" is a core belief I must still hold onto. I have differing core beliefs held in parts. They don't agree about much. I find that PMDD/PMS triggers a set of parts that do not like me much, don't trust men at all, and want to isolate me.

I then recover, usually quickly, by letting my main personality win the argument and disagree with these parts that want to isolate. I just keep saying to myself that if I self-isolate then I have given up all that I have fought for my whole life--love. I fought for it, worked hard for it, and am not letting go that easily now that I have it, even if my H. is not perfect. "You can't have it all." He loves me.

Yes, I agree that I find this whole topic very hard to admit because it is a profound life need. I feel like if I have a soul, it knows this is BIG! Nothing else I accomplish matters as much as nurturing love relationships. I have not had good relationships growing up, and what I respect the most in myself is that through it all, I never lost hope that I could find love and was worthy to find it. :) This is how I survived and avoided suicide so many times. This hope never let go of me.

I think we all need something to live for that grips our imaginations and keeps them alive. I realize it's not the same for everyone, and I honor that. I don't know how some have survived. This is what fascinates me and why I read survivors of holocaust stories with such interest, I guess.

Thanks you guys for saying that you go through this, too. I don't feel so afraid of it now. I know we can overcome and figure out what we want and what we need. (MUCH THANKS! Much Love!)

Muse

 

[Powder]

Also, @BloomInWinter : I agree that my perceptions shift at that time. I see the glass as very half empty and feel deprived of my emotional needs. I really can't see the good things my H. does as good. I see only that I'm bad and that I get treated bad, like during the past with my family. It's really hard to see that the past is the past. I think with my structural dissociation that parts of me have a different concept of time or "NO concept of time/frozen in time."

Even talking to someone married to my sister's ex-husband, and having her suggest I might call my mother, sends my heart racing and makes me feel sick.

You see the dream, the recurring motif that I never left, is the "sickness" of my mind, that I'm trapped with my childhood and that family forever no matter what I do or where I go.

 

[BloomInWinter]

That feeling of entrapment is one of my core beliefs we're working on in therapy. It really comes into play when I'm dissociating, there at the back of my mind. It's the belief I had all throughout my childhood, which of course was a reality.

"I'm trapped here. Nobody will help me. Nobody will save me. I am stuck and alone. Nobody cares about me."

When I feel trapped in my marriage, in a situation, in my job, I find out after I come out of dissociation that this has often been triggered by something and it's been driving the anxiety train to panic attack land. I have a cognitive challenge to it, but for some reason I'm not yet able to employ it in life. My therapist points it out to me and I'm able to practice it in therapy.

I sure hope I can start identifying it when I'm early in the triggering. My cognitive challenge is "I am not there. This is now. This is not back then. I will never be stuck there ever again. I have people who love me and care about me. I am an adult and I am never trapped. I always have options now, and the resources I need to get the help I need. I am not a child anymore."

Entrapment is still a very common nightmare theme for me. Ugh.