Relationship Not sure how to proceed Girlfriend/ ex with trauma

[Silent21]

I need some insight on my situation anything is welcome.

To start this off I have been seeing this amazing woman for 9-10 months it felt like love at first sight a woman I wouldn’t normally go for, but when we locked eyes it just felt right like that deep love. Friends and family have even told us that the way we act together and look at each other is like the movies where it just seems perfect and effortless. Anyways the first 6 months of this relationship was amazing and I mean any sort of altercation we would not leave it unturned it would be discussed and our communication was amazing and everything felt effortless.

However, as we progressed her shell slowly started to fade and as she got more comfortable with me brought up things from her past like that she was in a 3 year relationship where she was physically, and emotionally abused a majority of it and she was finally able to escape it. I didn’t look at her any differently and once she told me I started to do research on trauma and ptsd because I truly love this woman damaged or not I wanted to be prepared because she has been the greatest thing to come into my life.

Fast forward to the last 2-3 months she’s been going into isolation a lot and come to find out her ex had a restraining order and would still harass her by calling on unknown numbers and a lot of other things which started to flare up her trauma. She becomes distant won’t text me or anyone for days on end. She’s restricted seeing me as well and doesn’t want to do dates much anymore. The first time it tore me apart, but then I got used to it after researching trauma.

She told me to stay out of the situation and I tried my best because she wants to win via court which they had last month, But he didn’t get arrested that day and in the same week attacked her and then got arrested afterwards... My response to this was I bought cameras to setup around her house for only her to have access to, but this caused an argument because In the moment I just wanted to make sure she was safe and said “I won’t take no as an answer on this” I want to make sure youre safe and I don’t want to step in to respect you. This caused our first major fight and then she told me she’s can’t do this and that she truly loves me, but she’s got so much going on that she doesn’t want to hurt me by being in her isolation states.

2 days later I’m stopping at my favorite coffee joint and she pulls in front of me and buys my favorite drink for me so I follow her back to her place and thank her (we also live 2 minutes away from each other). We end up talking face to face and she tells me she truly loves me and doesn’t want me to be gone from her life and that we’re still doing Christmas and that we’re not done as a team. we told each other when I got back from my trip that we’d have a conversation on how we can work more as a team again and we can go over her trauma triggers that she knows of and how I can help her and she can help me so we can make sure we are both getting our needs met. we proceed to have an hour and a half conversation in each others arms saying neither of us are going anywhere.

Well this was 2-3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from her in 9 days and she unadded me off Snapchat after I texted her thursday saying I had a bad week at work and seeing her would make the week better especially how I nearly got severely hurt at work.

I just want insight on what I can do in my situation and how I can go forward.

I truly love her and know she truly loves me. I’m not sure if she blocked my number and to be honest have no clue why she unadded me on Snapchat. I don’t want to spam her with messages when I know she needs her space when she isolates. I’ve always remembered the constants when as well when she isolates and that being that she never gave me a reason not to trust her when she disappears. I just can’t tell this time if it’s her ghosting me or if it’s isolation and what I should do because I don’t know where we stand.

 

[Flying Dove]

Not sure this will be helpful. I have ptsd. My husband is a veteran with ptsd and is a doomsday prepper. We have been together 3 1/2 years. I came close to a breakdown and relapse getting up in his beliefs. I am back in therapy. He refused multiple times even couple's therapy, He does not have a problem. I do. OK fine so I am getting help again. Fight flight fear fawn are the stages the brain and body goes through with trauma. Unless your SO gets help for herself I am not sure you can do anything- except get help for yourself.

 

[littleoc]

If this is anything -- in trying to meet men (I identify as a gay man for now, but was raised female), I've found that I'm very flighty and need a certain amount of control. Usually, that control looks like the ability to maintain my own space, and have control over who messages me and who doesn't. It's not unusual for me to be okay with something one week and not the next.

I realize it's frustrating to others, but when my senses are so easily overloaded, it's necessary. I feel that, because of PTSD/feeling the danger is here NOW, even good stresses, like finding someone very nice, has been overwhelming enough that I HAVE to keep a distance to avoid being overstimulated.

So, long story short, it's possible that due to more recent trauma, she's isolated to prevent harm, or because she's keeping herself safe from someone who also feels dangerous when there's dangerous stuff around, or she's been so overwhelmed that she is self-isolating in order to try to cope with the overstimulation.

That could be why this seems related to you texting her about a bad week. It's possible she literally couldn't handle it because she's going through so much right now as well.

The best thing you could do, if you're not blocked and she lets you in, is to ask her what support she needs and what support she wants. And continue to be very, very patient, though any emotions you're going through about this are always valid.

Otherwise, just give her space.

I hope you're both able to continue your relationship, though. Wishing you both luck.

 

[Friday]

@Silent21 Please log in, in order to post. Thanks!

 

[Silent21]

Not sure this will be helpful. I have ptsd. My husband is a veteran with ptsd and is a doomsday prepper. We have been together 3 1/2 years. I came close to a breakdown and relapse getting up in his beliefs. I am back in therapy. He refused multiple times even couple's therapy, He does not have a problem. I do. OK fine so I am getting help again. Fight flight fear fawn are the stages the brain and body goes through with trauma. Unless your SO gets help for herself I am not sure you can do anything- except get help for yourself.

I appreciate your input :). I’ve brought up therapy with her and she’s not really opposed to it, but she said it’s hard because she has to feel a bond or connection to the therapist in order to open up. It’s more of a safe feeling I suppose. Thankfully she got back on her meds about a month or two ago when everything started to flare up.

If this is anything -- in trying to meet men (I identify as a gay man for now, but was raised female), I've found that I'm very flighty and need a certain amount of control. Usually, that control looks like the ability to maintain my own space, and have control over who messages me and who doesn't. It's not unusual for me to be okay with something one week and not the next.

I realize it's frustrating to others, but when my senses are so easily overloaded, it's necessary. I feel that, because of PTSD/feeling the danger is here NOW, even good stresses, like finding someone very nice, has been overwhelming enough that I HAVE to keep a distance to avoid being overstimulated.

So, long story short, it's possible that due to more recent trauma, she's isolated to prevent harm, or because she's keeping herself safe from someone who also feels dangerous when there's dangerous stuff around, or she's been so overwhelmed that she is self-isolating in order to try to cope with the overstimulation.

That could be why this seems related to you texting her about a bad week. It's possible she literally couldn't handle it because she's going through so much right now as well.

The best thing you could do, if you're not blocked and she lets you in, is to ask her what support she needs and what support she wants. And continue to be very, very patient, though any emotions you're going through about this are always valid.

Otherwise, just give her space.

I hope you're both able to continue your relationship, though. Wishing you both luck.

I appreciate your input it actually meant a lot. So I’m not blocked on iMessage, but I think I’m going to give her a couple more days to herself. Im not too concerned about my feelings as much as that sounds weird i understand that I have to either adjust to what she can comfortably give or leave. She isn’t my typical girl I go for and to be honest if I didn’t feel the bond that we have I would have been long gone. I still would like know how I should go about the conversation with her on what we need to do as a team and what she needs for support since she’s not a huge texter in the first place.

 

[DarkVixen]

I just came across this even though it's an older post, I just wanted to add that abuse especially with mental abuse causes a lot of self-doubt. Her lack of trust in herself could be what you're seeing. It takes time to trust other people, but if you have been filled with self-doubt, trusting yourself can be even harder.

 

[southwest]

Just came across this post. This reminds me alot of my last relationship. I still see my ex from time to time and she to this day still tells me that she loves me and I'm very important to her. Does she want to have a relationship with me no.

I think you need to understand is most likely this relationship has ended she has not healed or even begun to heal from her last relationship. Unfortunately you met at a bad time. In her mind you are seen as a amazing person however since she wasn't ready that has made it almost impossible for her to have a relationship with you.

It really does suck I understand. You have to make a choice if your okay with just being friends with her and nothing more.

 

[abovedown]

Just came across this post. This reminds me alot of my last relationship. I still see my ex from time to time and she to this day still tells me that she loves me and I'm very important to her. Does she want to have a relationship with me no.

I think you need to understand is most likely this relationship has ended she has not healed or even begun to heal from her last relationship. Unfortunately you met at a bad time. In her mind you are seen as a amazing person however since she wasn't ready that has made it almost impossible for her to have a relationship with you.

It really does suck I understand. You have to make a choice if your okay with just being friends with her and nothing more.

I know this this an old post but yeah I agree too that she is likely not ready for a new relationship. It isn't a nice situation to be in :/. Imo the best you can do in current situation is to focus on yourself and your own wellbeing. Because it's one thing being ghosted but even worse trying to build a life with someone who is not in the same page with you and still mentally going through things in their past.