Not Sure How To Release Tomorrow

[mytai]

My T said something today that the detective told her when they were talking on the phone in February or March. That the detective said that my uncle was a mean man, and that he was slow.

For some reason it really upset me to hear that someone thought he was a mean man. Not that I don't believe it or that I'm upset they think that, it just upset me to hear it.

 

[Ryn]

Thinking of you today. Hope you are feeling okay. x

 

[Echo]

@mytai - one of the things I have found very strange and sometimes rather upsetting, is having my therapist (and some other people) challenge my perspectives. I have had to realise that some of how I view the world and what is normal and acceptable is in itself the result of traumatic occurrences and the negative culture in my family.

Each time it is really shocking, and I think it can be natural to wish to defend my normal. I find I have to take it away and think about it long and hard. These things are deeply ingrained. I think the most upsetting aspect for me is that it shows me how badly I have been treated and that I could barely see that.

It makes me doubt my own judgment and at times makes me feel ashamed that I didn't know any better. My therapist always challenges me thinking like that and says how could I have known any different; that it was part of the abuse; and that I haven't done anything wrong. These shifts in perspective are really tough, but I guess they are integral to the healing process. It is hard, and I understand how you could feel strange to hear an outsider's view of your uncle.

Like Ryn, I hope you are doing well and there is some progress for you somehow. Look after yourself.

 

[mytai]

I'm doing so so @Ryn. I really wanted to call the police and ask how things are going with the investigation, but I chickened out - didn't want to run the risk of hearing bad news. On a side note, I got my stitches out... at least with them in the ugly marks on my face made sense, now I just have one scar, and one scar/healing cut with little red dots around it (from the stitches). My self esteem is even lower now, if that's even possible. I can't even help reduce the visibility of the scars/redness with makeup because it is still in the healing stage and I don't want to cause irritation or infection.

@Echo, I never thought of it that way, thanks. I guess it does challenge how I saw things. This is someone's outside opinion on him, I "knew" he was mean but that was normal for me, now someone else who hasn't seen that side of him says it about him it's startling to me. I can't explain it, I don't feel the need to defend him nor do I disagree with that statement - it's just shocking to hear someone say it.

I'm having hard day today.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a bad day.

 

[Ryn]

@mytai, I was hoping the police would have gotten back to you by now. I can't imagine how stressful this waiting game must be. :( I'm so sorry this is so hard. Lots of gentle hugs.

And I know this is easy for me to say, and I really don't mean it to sound trite or uncaring at all, and if it does I apologise, but - you really are beautiful. Scars or no scars. I often think back to the picture in the article about Chelsea you posted a while ago and I can honestly say it never fails to put a smile on my face and inspire me. You are so precious and are worth so much. Nothing anyone ever does to you could ever take away that beauty - it shines through you, along with your strength and courage that is evident to us all.

You are such a light. I hope you rest well tonight.

 

[mytai]

I'm tired of defending what I've become... I feel like I'm constantly explaining to people why I am the way I am, why I make the choices I do. That I believe or say things because of what has happened, why I see everything through the eyes of abuse. I'm just so tired of defending myself.

Tomorrow I need to suck it up and call the police to get an update. I'm starting to have crazy dreams/nightmares. It's hard to explain what's going on in them, but the themes are abortion, losing a child, being beat up, etc. Pain in general. I will sometimes talk, or cry in my sleep but since I live alone now it isn't witnessed by anyone unless I have someone staying over or I'm in the hospital. Last night I woke up to myself letting out a blood curdling scream. I scared myself. I was in the middle of a nightmare/flashback combo and I was screaming in the dream but I woke myself up with the screaming I was actually doing.

I'm not ok right now. I know that, I'm not blind to it. I'm very nervous and anxious, I'm not handling things well. Remembering to take my Cipralex has never been an issue for me up until now. I'm horrible about remembering to take it, so of course it isn't very effective or helpful when I only remember every other day or so to take it. :banghead: