Kenneth Brown
New Here
I'm not really sure how to even begin... I think I have PTSD. I've been seeing a therapist for years; mostly for depression and "suicidal ideation". In the past, my therapist has pointed out that I have a lot of PTSD symptoms, and while I want to explore this... Sometimes I find it hard to pursue. I find myself less willing to share at some times than others.
In a nutshell, my parents were both drug addicts. We had the general "ups and downs" that you might expect, and they got sober here and there, but there was always some kind of crisis occuring. The first time I remember my mother overdosing and wondering what was happening, I was about 5 and the paramedics were rushing into the house, and I still remember that often. Then there's also times where I'll recall other things... My uncle showing up to the door with a rifle, my father holding someone up with a butcher knife because they sold him bad blow... I don't know if any of it is flashbacks, but that's what I've been told.
Honestly though, I don't even know if that's the trauma effecting me... Or if it's that alone. Three years ago my parents relapsed hard. My father overdosed at least two times that I can remember... Many times I really can't anymore unless I call my sister and ask her about it. My mother basically went through the same thing, and every time I think about it and try to recount the details or tell someone about it, I get various mental images that just make it too hard to recount. To make a very long story short, I had to save both of their lives multiple times. It was always a case of just lucky enough, until at last I wasn't lucky enough. However, it's not the actual events, the general tragedy that still gets to me... It's remembering the feeling of rigamortis set in the last time I ever gave my mom CPR, or the first time when I had to have the 911 receptionist teach me over the phone. For the first six months after she died I couldn't get the picture of her clamy forehead to go away.
I can't remember a lot of what happened without really having to recall it, but then on the other hand some of the actual events are so vivid I feel like I can still smell the air from that day. My father died two years after my mother, and on the day of his eventual demise it was never any more intense. I started forgetting where I was thinking I was in my old apartment where my mom died.
In any case, any time I ever try to tell someone what happened... I either cannot recall the linear progression of things any more, have completely forgotten some things, or once I remember it, I'm unable to really verbalize it. It always seems to be a face to face thing where I can't get it out though. I mean, I can sit here and write about how when I found my mom she was dead and I could even tell because of rigamortis when giving CPR... The thing is I'm crying, and shaking, and if I actually tried to tell someone this I'd just be a blubbering baby... I hyper ventilate... It's amazin if I can even get out half the detail of the event, and the other person understanding is even more unlikely. I haven't really been able to pursue it as a case of PTSD, because any time I try to talk about it I don't remember, I can't bring myself to talk about it or I just fall to pieces when I actually can. However, I'm just constantly reminded of these scenes, and to be honest I haven't even ever been able to describe them fully in writing.
I don't really know if it's PTSD, but since I've had that suggested I thought I'd ask here. I've just had this feeling like I need to tell someone, anyone... Or not even tell anyone, just to even know myself everything that happened. It's always pestering me... I'll remember one thing, and then just sit and think for thirty minutes, "What did I do before? What did I do after?" and just draw blanks. I can't even drive down certain roads in town anymore or else I'll be reminded of my mother/father, and before I know it images and memories of everything that's happened will fly through my head, I'll try to think, "What happened? Why did it work out like that? What did I do again?" and before I know it I'll be doing something stupid in traffic not even paying attention. Sometimes it will even happen during a movie... Some event will remind me a little too much of what happened to me, and all the sudden my mind is racing and the credits roll and I've missed half the movie, sitting there teary eyed, basically reliving one event or the other.
So anyway... That's the best I can do for an introduction. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place, or that I even have PTSD, but so far what I do know is that I'm getting tired of being sucked into these memories, but not being able to recall them in full. It's like half the time I wander around, not even realizing how I've come to be living in this current circumstances, and then when I try to recount at all, I just get sucked in and can't shake the memories once they become too intense and unpleasant to recall.
In a nutshell, my parents were both drug addicts. We had the general "ups and downs" that you might expect, and they got sober here and there, but there was always some kind of crisis occuring. The first time I remember my mother overdosing and wondering what was happening, I was about 5 and the paramedics were rushing into the house, and I still remember that often. Then there's also times where I'll recall other things... My uncle showing up to the door with a rifle, my father holding someone up with a butcher knife because they sold him bad blow... I don't know if any of it is flashbacks, but that's what I've been told.
Honestly though, I don't even know if that's the trauma effecting me... Or if it's that alone. Three years ago my parents relapsed hard. My father overdosed at least two times that I can remember... Many times I really can't anymore unless I call my sister and ask her about it. My mother basically went through the same thing, and every time I think about it and try to recount the details or tell someone about it, I get various mental images that just make it too hard to recount. To make a very long story short, I had to save both of their lives multiple times. It was always a case of just lucky enough, until at last I wasn't lucky enough. However, it's not the actual events, the general tragedy that still gets to me... It's remembering the feeling of rigamortis set in the last time I ever gave my mom CPR, or the first time when I had to have the 911 receptionist teach me over the phone. For the first six months after she died I couldn't get the picture of her clamy forehead to go away.
I can't remember a lot of what happened without really having to recall it, but then on the other hand some of the actual events are so vivid I feel like I can still smell the air from that day. My father died two years after my mother, and on the day of his eventual demise it was never any more intense. I started forgetting where I was thinking I was in my old apartment where my mom died.
In any case, any time I ever try to tell someone what happened... I either cannot recall the linear progression of things any more, have completely forgotten some things, or once I remember it, I'm unable to really verbalize it. It always seems to be a face to face thing where I can't get it out though. I mean, I can sit here and write about how when I found my mom she was dead and I could even tell because of rigamortis when giving CPR... The thing is I'm crying, and shaking, and if I actually tried to tell someone this I'd just be a blubbering baby... I hyper ventilate... It's amazin if I can even get out half the detail of the event, and the other person understanding is even more unlikely. I haven't really been able to pursue it as a case of PTSD, because any time I try to talk about it I don't remember, I can't bring myself to talk about it or I just fall to pieces when I actually can. However, I'm just constantly reminded of these scenes, and to be honest I haven't even ever been able to describe them fully in writing.
I don't really know if it's PTSD, but since I've had that suggested I thought I'd ask here. I've just had this feeling like I need to tell someone, anyone... Or not even tell anyone, just to even know myself everything that happened. It's always pestering me... I'll remember one thing, and then just sit and think for thirty minutes, "What did I do before? What did I do after?" and just draw blanks. I can't even drive down certain roads in town anymore or else I'll be reminded of my mother/father, and before I know it images and memories of everything that's happened will fly through my head, I'll try to think, "What happened? Why did it work out like that? What did I do again?" and before I know it I'll be doing something stupid in traffic not even paying attention. Sometimes it will even happen during a movie... Some event will remind me a little too much of what happened to me, and all the sudden my mind is racing and the credits roll and I've missed half the movie, sitting there teary eyed, basically reliving one event or the other.
So anyway... That's the best I can do for an introduction. I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place, or that I even have PTSD, but so far what I do know is that I'm getting tired of being sucked into these memories, but not being able to recall them in full. It's like half the time I wander around, not even realizing how I've come to be living in this current circumstances, and then when I try to recount at all, I just get sucked in and can't shake the memories once they become too intense and unpleasant to recall.
