Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[Kintsugi]

The unemployment office actually helps out with a host of resources to which they are connected. I would just go in and roughly explain your situation (I live in a hostile and unhealthy environment, these are my work qualifications and foibles, do you know of some resources I should be tapping?).

 

[Klo]

I will mention it to the rehabilitation staff on Monday if they don't mention it, themselves. I have been to the unemployment office before but was only told that I wasn't eligible for benefits. Although that I qualified for the emergency state health insurance which I am already on.

 

[Klo]

My mother has still been pestering me about wanting to "talk" about the photos. I went ahead and just emailed her letting her know that I found the DVDs and that it upset me so much that I had a dissociative episode and got rid of the photos. Maybe this wasn't the 'best' course of action, but the tremendous elephant in the room has been feeling like a big weight sitting on my chest and giving more anxiety. Like the "what if they find out" sort of anxiety, or "what if my brother tells them / told them" anxiety. So now it's out of the bag. If she and her husband flip out then they flip out. The "what if" suspense has been murdering my psyche, though, and I'm still kind of numbed up from the Zyprexa yesterday.

 

[ladee]

Oh Mercy, let us know what happens.

 

[Klo]

Oh Mercy, let us know what happens.

I just keep reminding myself that I am a grown ass adult and they can't hurt me anymore. I could kick their asses if they tried to hurt me, plus call the cops. Plus I realize now that my dog is legally in my name, he has a chip in him that when scanned brings up my name, address, etc and confirms that he belongs to me. If they try to get rid of my dog, I will call the police and report them for stealing my dog, and then use the chip to get him back. I think my inner self is scared shitless but I'm not. I have also hidden the DVD's very, very well, they cannot find them to get rid of them. The truth will prevail. And I'm going to the rehabilitation office on Monday no matter what.

 

[Klo]

She just got home. Yep she's in a rage. Slamming doors. I'm ready, though. My heart is pounding and my hands are sweating like crazy. My body is scared, but I'm going to be brave.

 

[Anarchy]

:hug:
Be careful
And good luck.

 

[Klo]

Good news. She is giving me the silent treatment. This is the best outcome possible. Now to just bunker down until Monday.

 

[shimmerz]

Sadists, I have found, think they are being clever and I don't think it would ever occur to them that it was anything BUT funny to others. They have no idea how warped their thought patterns are. And they will always be sadists.

I am so very sorry you are still having to keep yourself safe from them.

 

[Ocin]

So amazing what the human spirit can endure. Good sleep (as you noted) is integral to your healing and survival. If 1/2 the olanzapine dose works consider splitting tablets to extend your supply.
I really like voc rehab. In my state once you go to the orientation (they do a group intro once a week) and apply and sign off the releases they contact providers and determine eligibility. Even though your pcp sucks do you think she or her staff could write a letter advocating for services based on "anxiety" impacting your ability to maintain employment? I pray for the day you are free of this situation and return to inform this physician why you had these symptoms and why you couldn't share your experiences with her. I do think they may realize what is happening but are afraid that they might make the situation worse by becoming involved.
Every support group is different but my experience of SIA has been life changing. Much of what you described in this thread is common ground for survivors of incest. The financial dependency and scapegoating the survivor echoes in my life and I hear how others are slowly wrestling their sanity and freedom back from the family members who damaged us when we were most vulnerable.
I agree that the ER is not a great choice. Sometimes you get a really attuned doc or nurse but just as easily you get the burned out staff who sees every psych/ social service case as a drain on limited space who ruins their perfect numbers (harder to admit or dispo so duration of ER is v long).
Keep your chin up. Your strength in this thread inspires me greatly to continue to face my own struggles.
As many here have kindly offered me: gentle hugs if you accept. You deserve many if they are ok by you.:hug::hug::tup:

 

[Klo]

I'm still hanging in there. My family members are doing the same horse and pony show that I have been used to for so many years now. My mother talks with my like everything is fine, ignores my email completely and pretends like it never existed. I know by now that the idea here is that they are trying to get me to freak out. First is that she comes at me insisting that we talk about the photos. Then when I finally tell her, she completely ignores it. I'm supposed to feel extremely hurt and agitated at how flagrantly she gives no damns, how she 'got me to' reveal something sensitive, and then sits back smiling and refusing to acknowledge it. Then I am supposed to get upset, while she and her husband gang up together, corner me somewhere in the house and spew at me that I am insane and other bad things. But I am just hanging tight. Still going to the rehab office tomorrow.

 

[Klo]

I had a college peer a ways back when I attempted to take a couple classes. He works for a dog daycare a few cities away. I looked on his facebook back then because he had talked to me a couple times, and I always get nervous when people seem to randomly talk to me, just hypervigilance crap. So I skimmed his facebook back then to see if he was actually the way he claimed to be when he talked to me. He was, he works with dogs and there were even posts where he would find a stray or lost dog that had no chip and post its photo on his page with his phone number, asking if anyone was interested in adopting it. He seemed to actually have a big soft spot in his heart for canines. It has been quite a while since I've even seen this guy, we never talked after those couple of times, but I still have his number. Would it be extremely weird if I texted him to ask him about finding a good home for my dog? I'll never take my dog to a pound, ever. The idea of my dog being left in a cage in a loud, scary place and possibly even being euthanized after feeling abandoned, I will never do something like that. I'd rather be shot, frankly. But I wonder if this guy could know of a loving adoptive person or couple who would like a small dog. My dog is extremely cute and loving, about 9 pounds, and is pee pad trained. He also loves everybody, would probably waltz away with a stranger if I didn't have him on a leash, he just warms to almost everyone right away. The idea of having to let him to go to someone else feels like some sort of soul murder, but then I also wonder where is the line in the sand, for being selfish. I can't afford to take care of him. My mother pays for his food, medicines and any vet bills. Then what is selfish vs not selfish when it comes to my own escape. Sharing an apartment with some other people is an option if I can make just enough money, but nobody wants kids or pets involved. He would have to spend the whole time while I would be gone working in a crate in the bedroom assigned to me, because he would have accidents otherwise, since he has accidents when in new places. He would wind up sitting in the crate and howling as a nervous wreck all day when I worked. I don't honestly know what is more selfish of me, to keep him or to give him up for adoption as long as the adopter(s) are good people. Would it also be extremely creepy for me to ever text that guy? I just don't know.