Sufferer Not Sure What To Say...

[Catherine167]

Hey all, my name is Catherine. I am in the military, and am looking to make some low-threat friends who know what I'm going through.

This year has been a rough one and while my stress has been very high, I was doing okay. About a month ago, my grandfather passed suddenly. He was my favorite person in this world and his loss is crushing. It was while I was out at his place a few weeks ago that the nightmares started. I've been able to lucid dream since I was young, but I found that I couldn't control these, so I just woke myself up. It was just happening here and there, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I was out there for a few days, then went home.

When I got home, I started intermittently feeling like there was someone outside my home. I didn't see anyone. The feeling remained. I started keeping my curtains closed (I live in the country).

The nightmares started escalating to full on night terrors, and I started being afraid in my own home. Walking to the car in the dark became terrifying. I started having mood swings and became emotional. My startle reflex is greatly exaggerated. Now, when I get going, I feel like someone is inside my home. I lock my bedroom door at night before I go to sleep. I used to sleep with it open.

I went to see my therapist yesterday and as soon as she repeated the symptoms back to me (night terrors, mood swings, paranoia, etc) I knew that they are ptsd symptoms. Saying it out loud feels like a lie. It's been three years since my last deployment. I'm not fixating on a singular trauma and I never saw anything over there that made me as scared as I am now. I always just had an attitude that if something was going to happen it would, and all I could do it minimize my risk. I didn't get scared like other people did. I don't feel like I have a right to have ptsd. So many people had it worse than me, and it just doesn't feel real.

I'm OK when other people are around, thankfully. I'm still in the military, so I don't want them to find out. Anyone else feel a sense of disbelief when they were diagnosed, or dealt with similar symptoms? I'd be appreciative of any advice you can offer.

My therapist taught me guided imagery yesterday. I've confided in my girlfriend and a few close family members who, at my therapist's recommendation, are going to stay with me in the near-term to give me a break from the anxiety.

 

[BlueOrange]

It took me two years to accept my diagnosis. I experienced many little threats for a long time, and found that the times when my life was in danger the easiest - they made sense to me.

I coped with everything well enough to get by until my mother died. She was the only person I really felt that I could talk to - everything made sense after she made sense of it for me. I couldn't fit my world together anymore without her help.

In hindsight, I've spent my life since then finding other people I can trust to make sense of the world, and learning to trust my own ability to make sense of things.

Ironically enough, my own story just started to make a lot more sense to me.

 

[CDKLaw]

You absolutely have a right to have PTSD. If you insist that you 'shouldn't' have it because others have been through worse, you are invalidating yourself. Also, being in the military would be terrifying and sometimes you panic after experiences and cope well at the time. I think you are so brave to be in the military. I would be terrified even of the basic training. Being screamed at all the time would be terribly difficult to handle. You should be really proud of yourself.

 

[Gadgie]

I just wonder if the person who you feel is "near you" all the time, is in fact your grandfather? It could be your brains way of coping with his sudden death.

After all, you said that you were very close to him, it's just a thought.

My Dad has been dead for a long time now, but sometimes, when I'm on my own, I can hear him talking to me, or I find myself smiling over something humorous that we both shared.

I have no idea why these thoughts came back into my mind after all these years, but they have?

 

[Catherine167]

@BlueOrange
That was my grandpa for me. He made things make sense.

How do you mean, things make more sense now?

 

[Catherine167]

You absolutely have a right to have PTSD. If you insist that you 'shouldn't' have it because others have...

Lol, thanks. I feel like basic prepared me for my deployments, but now I wonder. Thank you for the support :)

 

[CDKLaw]

@Catherine167
My brother was in the British Army for a while. He got medical discharge a few months after finishing basic training and he was very anxious at times. The superiors could be very unfair and nasty in their behaviour. You are in a brutal environment. I would hate it. I would be a total nervous wreck. I don't know how it is in the US but I pretty much imagine it's a little worse. Brits are a little less extreme.

 

[Catherine167]

@Gadgie
I initially thought that it might be my grandpa. But after a while... have you ever been around someone who is truly evil? A couple of times pulling guard duty in the detention center I came across guys that radiated evil (most of them were just people thinking they were doing the right thing). That negative energy is what I feel in my house. So I don't think it's my grandpa anymore. I think it feels more like a demon, tbh. Either I'm being haunted or I have PTSD... and rationally PTSD seems more likely. When I'm having an episode, though, I'd swear it's a demon or something.

 

[Catherine167]

@CDKLaw

I had some anxiety issues after basic. I got over them, just like I did after Iraq, and then before and after Afghanistan. In Afghan, I served with some RAF and RN. Great guys, and definitely way more laid back than the American military :)

 

[Gadgie]

Well if it's negative vibes you are getting, there is no way it's your grandpa, as he sounds like a very nice person.

I've come across some right evil folk in my time as well, they give you that horrible feeling when your near them, you can almost smell the evil in them?

 

[Pixielicious]

@Gadgie
Yes..... I've been able to 'sense' things my whole life...
Like as if there's a black cloud surrounding them....

 

[Friday]

PTSD + Grief drives me insane. Most of the time I simply cannot grieve those I love & have lost, because the past knocks me over like wave, instead. Too much pain, too many ghosts, and my worlds collide. Present, Grief, Past... And they all get royally f*cked, and my grief gets lost in trying to deal with the past overriding my present. Thinking/acting/feeling like I'm in the field when stateside is the most overriding one. My vigilance becomes hypervigilance, my sleep goes sideways, my judgment gets all f*cked up. It's just a clusterf*ck from start to finish.

There are ways around it, but listing out all that info here would be too much.

For now? Welcome, from a former Marine.



& check this out. Won't solve everything, not even close, but helps in the day to day like crazy.

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained