I am sure where else to turn at the moment. I feel lost and really alone. I have had PTSD for the last nine years. This was due to my drink being spiked (rape followed by me ending up preganat as a result and having an abortion). The truth is that i am out of my depth and I am getting really bad flashbacks and panic attacks during the day at work and evening. I feel so disconnected to what is going on around me in the office. I feel like i am watching the world from behind a screne and no one can see me. Everytime the PSTD gets really bad i turn to my addiction (gambling). The gambling used to numb out how i was feeling, i have been doing really well on this front apart from one slip in Feb 2009. My parents found out today and have totally gone mad at me. They screamed and shouted and told me how stupid I was. They keep saying that no amount of therapy will ever help me.
In the past i have had CBT for the PTSD. The first therapist i had was really good and alot of what she said to me made alot of sense. We discussed the trauma and i had to record on a tape what had happened to me and keep playing it back. Although it was incredibly painful and at times i avoided doing it it made the symptoms calm down. At the time i was also suffering from agoraphobia and had not been outside for 18 months.
I would like to go back and get some help but do not feel able to partly because of this experience and partly due to fact i am running scared. I feel like i am fighting the world and seven seas and part of my head is still stuck in his room. I want him to leave me alone and to stop toturing me.
When i told my family about what had happened and the real reason why i was scared to go outside they reacted really badly. There were alot of shouting and screaming (I ended up being hit and pinned to a door). They even said that they did not believe me and that i had made the whole thing up. I guess that hurt the most. My parents now know about what happened to me although they will not talk about. I guess they feel ashamed and if it is not discussed it will go away. I am no longer in control of my finances (i have given my bank card to them) due to the gambling so i can't see a therapist without them knowing. I feel trapped.
I have tried to talk to them but i get no response or they say i am not allowed to go and see a therapist. (i am co-dependent on them). I wish they could see how much i am huting inside at the moment and that i am struggling to keep my head above water. Part of me wants to quit my job and just close myself off to the world. I want to talk about it but it hurts so much it is killing me. I have found i am to write about it. I guess the thing that i find difficult is that i have never expressed any hate towards the person who did this to me. I cried over it many times but i have no anger towards him. I thought it was because i blamed myself but i do anymore. I know i was in the worng place at the wrong time and there was nothing i could have done to prevent it.
The PTSD worse again because i had to go back with work to the place where it happened. I am also due to go back in early June and this is around the anniversary which i know i find hard to deal with.
I would be grateful for any advice or suggestions.
In the past i have had CBT for the PTSD. The first therapist i had was really good and alot of what she said to me made alot of sense. We discussed the trauma and i had to record on a tape what had happened to me and keep playing it back. Although it was incredibly painful and at times i avoided doing it it made the symptoms calm down. At the time i was also suffering from agoraphobia and had not been outside for 18 months.
I would like to go back and get some help but do not feel able to partly because of this experience and partly due to fact i am running scared. I feel like i am fighting the world and seven seas and part of my head is still stuck in his room. I want him to leave me alone and to stop toturing me.
When i told my family about what had happened and the real reason why i was scared to go outside they reacted really badly. There were alot of shouting and screaming (I ended up being hit and pinned to a door). They even said that they did not believe me and that i had made the whole thing up. I guess that hurt the most. My parents now know about what happened to me although they will not talk about. I guess they feel ashamed and if it is not discussed it will go away. I am no longer in control of my finances (i have given my bank card to them) due to the gambling so i can't see a therapist without them knowing. I feel trapped.
I have tried to talk to them but i get no response or they say i am not allowed to go and see a therapist. (i am co-dependent on them). I wish they could see how much i am huting inside at the moment and that i am struggling to keep my head above water. Part of me wants to quit my job and just close myself off to the world. I want to talk about it but it hurts so much it is killing me. I have found i am to write about it. I guess the thing that i find difficult is that i have never expressed any hate towards the person who did this to me. I cried over it many times but i have no anger towards him. I thought it was because i blamed myself but i do anymore. I know i was in the worng place at the wrong time and there was nothing i could have done to prevent it.
The PTSD worse again because i had to go back with work to the place where it happened. I am also due to go back in early June and this is around the anniversary which i know i find hard to deal with.
I would be grateful for any advice or suggestions.
