Not Wanting People To Talk To Me.

[maddog]

Hi TeddySue.

Pushing on the purple bruise to see if it still hurts? This is perhaps the best analogy of this type I have seen. Sadly, I think I tend to take the other approach and guard the injured area so obsessively that nobody could ever hope to get near it, and whether or not the bruise still hurts, or is even still there, remains a mystery to everyone else... maybe even to me.

Maddog

 

[TeddySue]

maddog:
I find myself trying over and over and over to see if I'm not wrong and maybe, suddenly there would be this epiphany and everything that hurt me was suddenly gone or changed and I had been wrong all along. And every time, I shake my head in wonder at how utterly open I've been and how much I deserve the whack up side the head for being so foolish.

 

[Philippa]

Why do you think it's foolish to be open Teddysue? Not sure if I'm reading your words the way you mean them. Could you clarify please?

 

[TeddySue]

Why do you think it's foolish to be open

When I open myself up and join in, I usually am blocking out all the times I've gotten burned and deeply hurt. Once open to whatever (a group or a person), I stand there with a look of horror on my face, finally remembering that I don't fit in, and looking for the nearest exit. This is partly because of my impulsiveness in thinking I can belong and others will welcome me. I am not a friend-type person and do thoroughly enjoy the solitude of my home, but sometimes I think I will just try one more time and it backfires every time. It has to do with the mentality of: come here/go away.

 

[Lainey]

I have perfected the don't-talk-to-me-vibe. I definitely know when I'm doing it. I can just as quickly switch to fake-nice / socially-appropriate when it's needed too. I'm actually a really social creature, but sometime even small talk is too much effort. I think for me that in those times I'm having a hard time staying connected. I do have issues with disassociating after all... Not helpful, I know but I thought I would share. =)

 

[Meadowsweet]

Teddysue, I relate so much to what you say here.

I went for a long time thinking it was probably just me. Then opening up as if people are all fairytale good.
Then I realise that there are ego's within the group, and networks and all the other social things that I don't know how to do.

 

[Bubba]

You all have hit the nail on the head - I don't think I could express myself any better. I constantly feel alone even in a crowd and I don't like to talk to people, but then there's that left out feeling - totally contradictory.

I call it my own personal social hell. Can't stand to be around people - but then hate being alone. When I am around people - I don't want to talk for fear of being judged or criticized or I just don't have anything to say - yet I hate feeling excluded.

So what do you do? Just keep on working on yourself...maybe one day we'll find that inner peace :rolleyes:

 

[freakofnurture]

Pushing on the purple bruise to see if it still hurts?

That's exactly how all my people training felt. Does it still hurt? *push* Ow. ... How about now? *push* OW! ... Maybe now's better? *push* OW!!!

Some things simply don't heal if you don't stop picking at them.

 

[heidi]

It's kind of a funny experience for me. Because I used to be so different. I used to care so much what people thought. I'd get all worked up about it 10 times a day. I'd care about my interaction with the person at the gas station. Now I think I don't even see most peoples eyes.

And barbarian I think you look like you're a cool person.

 

[Philippa]

I try to deal with it by choosing just one person to be around...and someone who is compassionate, kind most of the time, as well as fun and playful, who I can laugh with. Groups are not my thing at all, which is why I have started questioning my sanity to have gone in this course...but I know it's good for me, and it's turning out to be just like most social situations anyway, where the people I click with (usually just 1 or 2) are now defined, and the others just stick within their own groups and don't bother with me...which is fine with me.

Yeah Freak O nurture...I remember when I was 21 having this almost obsessive compulsive 'picking my inner scabs' behavior, that just wouldn't quit.

It's not something I felt I had any control over at all...which was scary.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Hi Philippa,

I so easily relate to this! It's like most of the time I'm wearing this a huge sign around my neck that says:

DON'T LOOK AT ME, DON'T TALK TO ME! AND WHAT EVER YOU DO - DON'T DARE GET NEAR ME!

I swear to god people can actually see this sign.

Every once in a while I chit chat with a stranger or a store clerk, and I enjoy it, but that's kind of rare. I do try to make an effort. But with that stupid sign around my neck I'm pretty much screwed.

Funny you mentioned you're a Leo. I'm a Scorpio and I thought maybe that has a lot to do with it.

Also I'm a few inches shorter than you, (ultra petite) so I hope Barbarian feels some relief knowing that it's not his size that's been intimidating people, size is irrelevant.

Oh and I agree with you - it's the "normal" looking people that smile a lot that I worry about!! That stems from my research on serial killers. I much prefer a quirky type person who is true to their own personality, even if they are a bit offensive. At least you are witnessing their true self, and not some psychopath.

Good topic, thanks

Solo

 

[maddog]

I have lost count of the number of times, and the number of different ways, that people have told me about my keep-away persona and the "don't even think about getting near me" vibe that encircles me.

There was a time when I was blatantly proud of this and did everything I could to nurture and strengthen it. There are still times when I do the same thing, and times when I don't care if it stays that way forever.

But there are times when it hurts too, and confuses me, because I actually don't know what it is about me that gives off that vibe, because apparently it's in place even when I don't think it is or when I'm trying to make it not that way, and it all just leaves me totally confused and feeling so numb and out-of-touch with my own feelings and nonverbal behaviours that it's as though I have no charge over the person I am at all.

Just today someone told me she'd been going to offer me a lift somewhere last week, but was scared I'd be angry, or offended, or scared away, or... she seemed incredibly anxious to even bring it up with me, and said "I know you're... funny about stuff like that...". What sad, true words. I guess today was one of those days it hurt and confused me.

Then again, I'd spent most of it all but hackling at the thought of anyone coming near me out in public and wishing I could magic myself out of the group session I spent most of the day attending, so go figure... I guess I am the ultimate contradiction, the ultimate confusion, the ultimate social misfit.

Maddog