Not Wanting People To Talk To Me.

[Philippa]

Thanks for your input Flying solo.

Yeah, I know what you mean exactly and have also researched serial killers and the like a few years ago. Far from the stereotype of those people being anti-social, some of the most disturbing people have been really social, engaged in their community types, who are what most people look up to and think are socially acceptable and great. They can easily mingle and be invisible in a crowd.

It's so funny. I've had my brother say to me "Don't worry Phil, no matter how many people you kill, I'll still love you." For real!:laugh: People like me are the ones everyone thinks are the serial killers...when actually I'm the furthest thing from that, though that's not to say I couldn't be pushed in that direction given the right stimulus. We are all capable of that when our lives are at risk I think. I've definitely felt that impulse to kill my parents at various times, but I know I wouldn't do it for kicks.

I tend to not date really good looking men, and I tend to trust mean people more than 'nice' friendly people. The way I see it is at least you know how they are from the get go...they aren't pretending to be not mean. I know where I stand with those types, and even though they are mean, somehow I trust them more. Sometimes the mean ones are actually the ones with a heart of gold. They've just had to be mean in life to survive.

Glad you are enjoying the thread. It has turned into something pretty interesting.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

I am struggling with this same problem. I am in a graduate program of 57 students, and I seek solitude, but then feel left out when they don't invite me to do things.

The thing is, my life has revolved around my traumas (which are ongoing), that I do not know what to talk to them about. I have so much trouble making conversation with them. I don't know what to do.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Just the opposite for me, I think.

I have to really work at that LEAVE ME ALONE look. I can pull it off, but it almost hurts. It is sad because before my PTSD I liked people and was always the one the teacher put the shy kids next to.

Now people have flat out said to me that I am "weird." !!!:unsure:

So now when I reach out, because I am now so messed up, I guess it shows even when I am sure I am hiding it!!:confused:

So I guess I have lost touch of whether I am perceived as friendly or pushing people away!

 

[Philippa]

That's what I can't work out either. I'm also perceived as friendly by some people...but I'm not. I can turn it on when I want to, but I can also put up the pushing people away thing as well.

I use to like people as well. I wanted to meet everyone in the world. Now I don't, and at one stage felt like there was no one really worth meeting.

The group I am in at school is ok though. I have made an effort with some people there, and even though it can be uncomfortable at times, I think I'm improving in that regard. They are speaking to me, so that must mean I am not projecting that "go away" vibe as much...but then again, I don't really have a choice now. I'm stuck in that class for the next 10 months!

 

[Sveta]

I have perfected the "Don't Talk To Me Vibe" as well. I am the Ice Queen in public. Part of this goes back to the bullying and ridicule I endured throughout most of my childhood/teen years (I was a bit of an ugly duckling and abuse and neglect didn't help). They couldn't hurt me if I didn't want to be in their group anyway. I ignored them and focused on school.

Sometimes I try to be receptive to small talk with people (like in lines) and often it goes very well, but I just resent having to be friendly and engaging with someone I will probably never meet again. I feel disingenuous, although I know the other person probably thought I was pleasant.

I am naturally a bit introverted, and I always thought the dissociation was just a part of that. Often in public (or when I am doing menial chores, etc) I am dissociating.

When I was a teacher at a small rural school in Texas, they would have a birthday potluck for the teachers once a month and it was themed. I always preferred to eat in my classroom because cafeterias are often too much for me (sensory) and I don't like eating around people that make me uncomfortable.
When I did participate, I would bring something and take some food back to my classroom without talking to anyone.
I knew that these types of schools "work" on close relationships, but I didn't like the people I worked with and they always had this huge potluck in front of the students as they ate a nasty cafeteria lunch. I had more sympathy for the students, I couldn't eat better food in front of them. Seemed rude. I even stopped participating after a while until I quit at the end of the year.