Now I'm A Ghost

[skyp56]

Hi, Ghost,

Welcome to the forum!

I can definitely identify with the feeling of being someone you no longer know. I have felt so out of touch with myself. It feels as if I just woke up one morning and put on someone else's skin.

As for me, I have severe depression/anxiety, for which I've been in treatment for many years. I didn't even know I had PTSD, until I started seeing my current therapist. So, now I'm getting the correct kind of treatment, both from therapy and from my psychiatrist. I'm seeing hope for the first time in many years.

As for meds, I also hate that I have to take them. It feels like I'm an addict, having to take something to make myself feel better. I'm still in the exploration process of finding what combination works for me.

I feel I have finally found both a therapist and a psychiatrist that I trust. That has been the hardest part for me. I've seen more therapists than I could count, and believe me, some are better than others. I used to go to an older guy who I swear would fall asleep during my sessions, lol!

Hang in there! There are so many wonderful, supportive, caring, and kind people on this forum!

skyp56

 

[scaridycat]

Hi, ghost. Are you still checking in and reading here? I hope so. I can very much relate to your reactions. I do not look at my old photos. I don't put myself through that torture any more. I used to. I suppose because I felt the need to feel sorry for myself. I don't know any other reason why I was doing it.

There is a good possibility that I will not remotely resemble that person again. And I do hate that piece of truth. But I have hated other truths in my life before, and here I am still alive. I believe I can get past this one, too. I just don't know yet how I am going to accomplish it, and that is what puts me in a place of despair and hopelessness. That I cannot see a possibility. But I would rather meet new and interesting people such as yourself than die. I would rather experience one more gorgeous sunset with explosive clouds than die. I would rather laugh hysterically at my cat's antics than die. I would rather watch my daughter graduate from college than die.

Whatever this fu**ing thing is that is trying to eat me alive, I'll be damned if it's gonna win and go and take the last few bits of me and have them for breakfast. I have come too far, even in my latest odd ghost state, to let anything or anyone cheat me out of possibilities. I simply cannot recommend giving up.

If it is not to be meds for you, go for the best whole food money can buy (if you have any money, which for anyone these days is some sort of miracle) My therapist is pushing me to fill my body with only good whole food and that it will make a measurable difference in my depression.

 

[ghost]

Hi everyone

Thanks for the support and sympatico, and the suicide deterrences - I wasn't actually planning on killing myself, but they may come in handy in the future.

 

[This Ends Now]

Welcome

Ghost,

Welcome to the forum! :hello:

I am happy to have you here but sorry you are in pain.

I agree with you on shrinks and quacks. Most of them are nuttier than squirrel poop. I also completely understand not liking the darn pills they give you. I HATE the darn pills but unfortunately it has been conclusively determined that without them I am a danger to myself and others. There are some good non drug methods that have helped me and might help you as well. Let me know which ones you have tried.

*Phototherapy: 20 min of natural sunlight can make your brain produce seratonin naturally without all the cost and side effects of SSRIs.
*Yoga: great way to get rid of pain.... any exercise is great though for burning off anger and making your body produce endorphines.
*Imagery: there is a great section here on mental imagery that Anthony was kind enough to post.
*Education: there is a metric fluff ton of info on this site and others from personal experiences to scientific studies.
*Journal Writing: very useful for getting thoughts our of your head as well as tracking your symptoms.... also good to bring with you if and when you do go back to a shrink since it can be easier to just hand over a journal than speak.
*Community Service: nothing makes me feel good like doing something for others... if I see that my life has value to the community then I start feeling selfish for wanting to die.
*Adopt A Pet: it can help to have a sweet little cat or dog that needs you to take care of it... animals are great little friends that never hurt you our judge you.
*Forum: it has helped me a lot to read other people's stories... I feel so much less isolated knowing others have gone through it too and learning what coping mechanisms have worked for other people.


There is more I could wright but I'll stop here for now. Feel free to message me if you would like to talk. I wish you the best in your healing journey.

Liz H.

 

[ghost]

Liz

Thankyou for your suggestions. I sit out in the sun each morning while I have my breakfast; I exercise a couple of times a week; I think I've read more about PTSD than most of the professionals I've come across, and I have a dog - though sometimes I'm sure I've seen the disabling look of judgement in her eyes - I'm sure she thinks I'm a loser. Though she resists the urge to urinate on me, and I am thankful for that. :smile:

Not so sure that I'm on a healing journey. Feels more like a gradual disintegration.

 

[ghost]

Scaridycat

Interesting that you should mention 'something trying to eat you alive'.

I had a night terror recently where there was something, like a giant leach, latched on to my back, draining the energy out of my body. For the weeks that followed, I felt considerably weaker, more clouded, and felt as if part of me had been removed.

Sometimes I wonder if there's an unseen element to mental illness; if we're being ripped apart by something very real, that just isn't visible to the average person.

 

[LoveWins]

Hi and welcome ghost,

I wanted to let you know that before I got my diagnosis, I thought I had been poisoned. I seriously thought that there was some kind of poison or toxin in my body eating me from the inside out and killing my mind, as that seemed exactly how it felt-like I was deteriorating. My light was burning out, slowly. The person I was just...going

That's how much people can feel the same as you with PTSD, I think a part of me really believed in the unknown poison theory because, illogical as it was, I couldn't explain it any other way

Your words really struck a chord with me and I can certainly identify with feeling "ghost"like...not fully in the world anymore and not fully yourself anymore. But Tlight said it really well- things will get better. We will build ourselves up again with the right support. I can honestly say that my ghost-like feeling is becoming much weaker. I am a person, I'm a good person, and I'm working towards being as active as I once was again, and a whole load of new things too. I accept the new issues I have to work with and limitations in some circumstances, but it wont stop me from building up a full life again, no chance. We're worth more than that

Good luck on your journey ghost. It IS a journey of healing, though it may feel more like deterioration at the moment. It will improve and you will gain more control. It's a bumpy ride but completely worth it. Hope to see you around the forum:smile:

 

[Tessa]

Hi ghost,

I agree with you. We are definately an over medicated nation.I choose to work through this myself also. I can relate to the loss of former self.

We need to light a candle of hope and find our way,step by step, on the next direction of our life.

I wish you peace and hope on your journey.

Take care
Tessa

 

[NarcSis]

Hey,

You don't sound too touchy feely, so I hope you read what people are saying, cut through the well intended BS and take something to use for yourself.

I'd love to welcome you to the world of the mentally ill, but I'm not 'mentally ill', I have PTSD, an injury that can heal.

Welcome to whatever this is we do to each other here. ;)

 

[LoveWins]

Personally I don't think any of what's been said here is BS. I know you didn't mean that in a nasty way at all, I'm not having a go don't worry! But what I mean is I've found reading all of the posts to be useful. I suppose that comes down to interpretation. I keep in mind how much effort people put in to write the posts and be this supportive. Surely everyone can use some support

I agree with you that we should focus on the parts that are most relevant to us, but sometimes words can be dismissed which actually, when given more consideration, can help us. Even if done in a lighthearted way I don't think it's fair to dismiss peoples advice and caring words outright-there's usually some use in them whether you're touchy feely or not

I have to say I do agree about the doctors though, I've had the same bad experience as I'm sure lots of us have. Rushing yourself to a doctors surgery to get meds alone isn't a solution, and we're definitely overmedicated. It's good that you know that and know how much work has to come from you, ghost

 

[ghost]

You're right. I'm not 'touchy-feely'. I'm more of a look, but dont touch-y feely type.

 

[This Ends Now]

Liz

Thankyou for your suggestions. I sit out in the sun each morning while I have my breakfast; I exercise a couple of times a week; I think I've read more about PTSD than most of the professionals I've come across, and I have a dog - though sometimes I'm sure I've seen the disabling look of judgement in her eyes - I'm sure she thinks I'm a loser. Though she resists the urge to urinate on me, and I am thankful for that. :smile:

Not so sure that I'm on a healing journey. Feels more like a gradual disintegration.

Ghost,

Glad to hear that you are already doing so much for your recovery. I know it can feel like gradual disintegration... but that is part of life too.

Eating breakfast in the sun is great! Good nutrition and a nice shot of naturally produced seratonin is a great way to start off the day.

Exercise is awesome too! I do yoga, walking, ballet warm ups and martial arts warm ups (and occasionally some silly dancing). Which ones do you enjoy?

You are probably right that you have read more than most professionals. The fact is that you, me, and most of us here have way more motivation to learn about trauma and recovery. To a professional it is a part of their job... to us it is a matter of survival.

I am glad you have a dog. Dogs are awesome! I seriously doubt she thinks you are a looser. If you see a "look" in her eyes try giving her a treat or scratching behind her ears or taking her for an extra walk (not saying you don't do this already). Many times that "look" just means that she wants a little extra attention. Dogs are also very empathic animals... she might be picking up on the fact that you are in pain and wanting to help. Dogs also make great therapists. I know it might sound nuts but when I used to have a pet I would talk to her and tell her what I was thinking or feeling or worried about and sometimes the answer would just come to me. Do you do this too?

I wish you the best... and yes it is a healing journey... all healing involves some pain... but it is just a part of the path to recovery. :Hug_emoticon:

Liz H.